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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with FIL

192 replies

mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:13

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future' Hmm

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it Hmm

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

OP posts:
Pheebe · 28/09/2010 16:19

In your situation I would now be making alternative regular arrangements for them 1 day a week they did have them and when they question you tell them that if they see spending regular time with their grandchildren as 'a favour to you' you've decided to make more formal arrangements elsewhere and they can see their grandchildren when they see the rest of the family.

To me families are supposed to be about pulling together to make life better for everyone not about 'doing each other favours' that are soomehow chalked up and measured.

But then I'm a bolshy cow so I'm glad you texted and smoothed thigs over, much more sensible approach Smile

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 16:19

Oh ffs you are annoying me more than FIL!

Do you live in the real worls with the rest of us or not?

My job isnt flexible unless my intensive care patients wouldnt mind looking after themselves whilst I finished my shift 4 hours early to pick up ds1 from school.
DH is a senior engineer on site, so he has a number of men on site working until x oclock and he has to be there to supervise those workers.

If you can find me a childminder or nursery that is willing to take ds2 from 6.30am until 6.30pm at night, alongisde taking ds1 at the same time, but then taking him to school and picking him in, oh including the clubs he does on a tuesday and wednesday.

Yes I had another child, but I didnt expect anyone to hand me free childcare, Id never had it before. I was prepared to work the weekends when dh was home as that was the only option or get a set shift in the week.

My OP was AIBU to be upset over his text, nothing to do with anything else youve posted

OP posts:
Morloth · 28/09/2010 16:22

He should have said no at the time, but to be fair you did assume it would be OK without checking which is taking them for granted.

I think you and DH need to have a proper discussion with them about the long term arrangement because it does kind of sound like they are not happy.

ConnorTraceptive · 28/09/2010 16:31

My sister ALWAYS makes plans first and then asks for the favour later. It is feckin annoying tbh!

BUT you have apologised so I think it would be a little mean spirited of your FIL to not accept the apology. (Although I think you should phone not text) Now might also be a good time to ask them if they are still happy with current child care arrangements

FindingMyMojo · 28/09/2010 16:37

so he was actually free to say no, but is now pissy not because you didn't ask them, but because you didn't ask them FIRST?

Once they know that your DH is taking a days leave I bet they change their mind. They've got their knickers in a twist about not very much at all. YANBU!

Hope you get the nice evening with your Mum.

Katisha · 28/09/2010 16:46

Yes I bet FIL changes his tune if he gets wind of DH having to take leave...

Agree with Pheebe that this creates an awkward dynamic now that you know they are chalking up the tally of favours and non-favours.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 16:46

yes morloth I have acknowledged several times on here that I should have asked them when I booked it or before and thats totally my mistake and I have apologised for that.

dh has spoken to FIL this morning as even he thought we should make alternative arrangements if this is causing problems but they assured him that they love having th boys one day a week and didnt want that to change and that they dont mind extra childcare, what he wants to get across is that I should have asked them in advance. So despite them doing nothing those days, they will not be having the boys, so theres my lesson learnt

OP posts:
Morloth · 28/09/2010 16:49

Fair enough then, if they don't want to have them.

So you are still good for work.

nancydrewrocked · 28/09/2010 16:55

Looking after your children is a HUGE commitment and tbh it sounds as if they are starting to resent this.

It was rude of you to assume that they would look after the childen and especially rude to neglect to give them notice when you so easily could have. When were the tickets booked?

Sounds to me like you ought to be workng extra hard to resolve this rather than bitching about your FIL.

CheeseandGherkins · 28/09/2010 16:58

Use whatever backup care you had in mind in case ils couldn't do it. Assume you must have had something in mind just in case?

fedupofnamechanging · 28/09/2010 17:00

So, they are basically punishing you as if you were a disobedient child. Nice!

I would go back to working a shift at the weekend and stop this arrangement. Yes, you should have asked first, but your FIL is just being nasty. I wouldn't want him looking after my DCs.

penguin73 · 28/09/2010 17:02

Did you ask both at the same time - are you sure one didn't say yes not realising the other had arranged something? Maybe they said yes automatically because it was expected then realised they weren't happy when they thought/talked about it later.

Your FIL was U in how he dealt with this, a phone call would have been better, but I get so hacked off (as does my mum) with family members who make plans assuming we will babysit because they happen to know we are not working on a particular day. You were being unreasonable to assume they would be available/change plans for you and now trying to blame them for something you should have sorted before.

I am in a similar situation this weekend, agreeing something without checking whether mum would babysit first and am now cancelling my plans....I accept this is no-one's fault but my own!

MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 17:04

That is very unfair of your PILs. You apologised this morning and they are still not willing to take the DC?

Shame. Are you able to work something out so that you can still take your mum out?

penguin73 · 28/09/2010 17:04

Also an apology by text - nice!! You acknowledge that you are in the wrong and are worried about ill feeling? - try talking to them then!!

mrswoodentop · 28/09/2010 17:05

To be fair if you read the OP Mosschops makes it very clear tha she is not cross anymore just upset,and I would be too if I received a text like that from someone who I thought was looking after the children not as a favour but because they loved them and were being supportive of us as a family.After all as the OP has said,they offered she did not ask.

The OPis not a 10 year old to be taught a lesson by a parent, she is a responsible adult who wanted to do something nice for her recently widowed mother ,I hope when I am a MIL I will be able to be compassionate about such things ,I would frankly have felt pleased in the same circumstances that my DIL had such confidence in our relationship that she felt able to rely on me,after all we are only talking about a short time not an all night bender.

She says that she always thanks them profusely and involves them in the nice parts of her childrens lives etc ,how petty and hurtful og her FIL to react n such a manner

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 17:07

nancy if you read the thread I dont think you'll find ive 'bitched' about FIL anywhere. And also if you read thread you will see that I have txt and apologised.

I didnt assume they would change their plans or be available, I asked if they could have dcs and they said yes. Then I got that txt. I wouldnt have been offended if theyd said 'oh sorry we're busy that day' as I said in my post at 11.18am.

Why does every AIBU start off being constructive with people saying YABU or YANBU followed by a bunch of people who just want to slag you off and beat you round the head with a big stick!

OP posts:
mumto2andnomore · 28/09/2010 17:08

You really need to clear the air in person, or at least send flowers or something to say sorry. I too would feel cross in their situation, you've just presumed they will have the chilren at very little notice.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 17:11

really? I need to send flowers to my FIL who sent me that text because he couldnt just say 'no' when I asked him?

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe

OP posts:
Twoldforthis · 28/09/2010 17:13

What Nancydrewrocked says.

This thread has totally brought me out of lurk mode.
Where on earth do you get off feeling that you have been mistreated? Just how long ago did you buy the tickets? OF COURSE you should have checked with them first. OF COURSE they feel taken for granted. Doesn't matter how free they are. They probably do have lives that, surprise, surprise, do not revolve around you.

Okay, hands up, I am of your ILs' generation, but believe it or not, I did not get to be a grandmother without being a parent first so I know it's not all beer and skittles for you. But I also know that my own d dil would never DREAM of presuming on my availability in this way. Having said all that yes I think your FIL could have handled it better but my guess is that the poor chap was at the end of his rope. Thassorl

ConnorTraceptive · 28/09/2010 17:13

I would phone and apologise again and clear the air but TBH that would be my last apology. I think if an apology is genuine then you shouldn't have to grovel repeatedly.

Also if you're not a serial offender of taking them for granted the you don't need to be "taught a lesson".

ConnorTraceptive · 28/09/2010 17:16

To be fair to your FIL he sent that message because he felt taken for granted and wanted you to know it not that he couldn't just say no when you asked

penguin73 · 28/09/2010 17:16

"I need to send flowers to my FIL who sent me that text because he couldnt just say 'no' when I asked him?" - maybe if you SPEAK to them you can find out why they didn't day no outright, why they feel so offended and how you can make things right? Unless they use Mumsnet I doubt you will find a better explanation here, we can only guess based on our feelings/experiences!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 17:17

oh twoold I love the folorn pic you paint of my FIl 'poor old chap'
Think Tim Lovejoy only with marginally less humour.

I dont feel like Ive been mistreated but I was upset with the txt he sent.

Once again I repeat 'i accept i was BU with not asking them yonks ago. I accept they are not my puppets and they are never used like that. I also state AGAIN that they could have JUST SAID NO'

please dont make me repeat myself anymore

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 17:18

Mosschops
Not really sure why you are getting a flaming, when you have taken on board what posters said this morning, texted your FIL to apologise (and why should you not text him rather than phone him, since he used this medium to get in touch this morning?).

Twoold
She has said that she did not expect them to drop everything and take the DC. She asked, they said yes and gave her no reason to feel that they were not happy with the arrangement. Then they sent a text this morning saying that she was taking them for granted, something that came completely out of the blue and made her doubt whether they actually do like having the children.

Twoldforthis · 28/09/2010 17:19

Why does every AIBU start off being constructive with people saying YABU or YANBU followed by a bunch of people who just want to slag you off and beat you round the head with a big stick!

PS,I have read the whole thread and clearly I must be missing something because I cannot see where anyone has slagged you off. They are saying that you are being U. Well, you did ask!

Hugs anyway

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