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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with FIL

192 replies

mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:13

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future' Hmm

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it Hmm

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

OP posts:
mumto2andnomore · 28/09/2010 17:20

But sometimes its hard to say no to someone face to face when they put you on the spot.

Anyway move on from this and arrange things in advance next time, really dont understand why you didnt this time especially for something so important to you.

activate · 28/09/2010 17:22

they're right you should have asked first

send them flowers to apologise for being clumsy

diddl · 28/09/2010 17:22

They could & should have said no straight away-but they did say no the next day, still leaving you a week to sort out different childcare.

Is it likely that your MIL is also in agreement?

This is the sort of thing that given the change my FIL would do.

MIL would disagree, but back him up.

penguin73 · 28/09/2010 17:22

Just speak to them and clear the air! Could have been done by now?.....- and they might have accepted, moved on and agreed to babysit next week, solving your problem!

taintedpaint · 28/09/2010 17:24

Mosschops, IMO, what you did (not asking before you booked) was a mistake and an oversight. It's easy to see this, and you don't sound like the kind of person who takes advantage. Your FIL on the other hand is extremely rude. If he had a problem with the arrangement, he should've said no in the beginning when you asked, not later, so he could hide behind a text message.

YANBU, and I hope you figure out a way to have a lovely evening with your mum. :)

Twoldforthis · 28/09/2010 17:25

Erm...who's Tim Lovejoy (may well be showing my age here!)

Mme Lindt

Love your chocolates btw. Any free samples? And yes I agree: it's a shame they weren't more up front from the get go (could I use any more irritating expressions do you think?) Sounds like they spent the night festering. Not good.

And in fact, much as I can see Moss Chops' objections to it, I think a bunch of flowers (or a bottle of The Widow would be my grovel token of choice) will go a long way to building bridges and mebbe, just mebbe, Mummy Moss Chops (who is the innocent victim in this) will getto see PK after all!

salizchap · 28/09/2010 17:27

"I would never go ahead and book something and expect them to babysit even if I knew they were free, I always check with them first before confirming any arrangement"

WTF! I have seen several posts like this and I am shocked tbh! I am ALWAYS making arrangements first and then ask around my friends and family to see who is available. I never expect people to be free, I just ask, hoping. I also hope that I am a nice enough person to take it with good grace if they can't/don't want to.

YA utterly, totally NOT BU to simply ASK, but you would have been if you had just EXPECTED. Your PIL are being silly and if they are feeling put upon they should have sat you down and discussed it before hand, if not with you then with their DS. Why did they say yes, then send a snooty text?

mrswoodentop · 28/09/2010 17:39

She didn't presume she asked and they said yes,if they changed their mind why didn't they just politely say so.

Op says that they involve them in the children's lives ;school plays etc,I would be tempted not to do this as much after all they mustn't take it for granted.

OTTMummA · 28/09/2010 17:48

Im shocked alongside you tbh mosschops, all you did was ask,,, ask!!
You didn't demand they have them etc.
I find it odd people banging on about not booking things before arranging things/ bar long holidays of course.
They didn't have to say yes,,, how many times have i read on here,, no is a complete scentence,,, or,, stop being a doormat, you don't have to say yes you know!
They are grown adults, elderly infact, so they should have learnt by now to say no.

if my inlaws sent me a txt like that, i would be arranging other childcare tbh.
obviously they do have a problem with the current situation or i can not see why the big resentful pathetic txt over 1 incident??

I wouldn't want to burden them with their GC just because they are incapable of saying what they really think.

I mean if they can't say no to a favour asked by their dil.
The how can they tell theit own son,, umm actually we would rather not have the children every week.

nameymcnamechange · 28/09/2010 17:50

I think your fil's text was extremely chippy and unpleasant.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 17:58

twoold ok not slag off but constant comments of 'ooh my dil would never do that' or 'so and so behaves like that and I hate it' is hardly constructive.

I will definately not be sending flowers, I have apologised for being stupid and not asking them sooner, I have told them I am very grateful for all the times they help, I have told them I dont want to fall out and I have said sorry for taking them for granted' short of licking his arse Im not sure I can do anymore!

I agree that as people in their 50's they should have managed to say no, and have done on previous occasions when they havent been able to sit for us.
And yes I did ASK, not demand, I dont DEMAND from anyone!

OP posts:
thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 28/09/2010 17:59

I agree mrswoodentop. And if it were me, hell would freeze over before I sent them a gift by way of an apology.

Truffkin · 28/09/2010 18:26

YANBU to be upset (annoyed? I would be) by your FIL sending you that text message in the circumstances you have explained.

My MIL is a bit like this with my SIL re: babysitting and I hear it anecdotally from other friends (we live too far away for babysitting duties from parents Grin). MIL said she would never babysit on a Saturday as this is her weekly night out, totally reasonable. Then when SIL paid a babysitter on a Saturday night to go out for her DH's birthday MIL moaned to us about not being asked to babysit.

I also think that asking someone to babysit for something you have already arranged is not the end of the world. If they had said no then you would have made other arrangements, surely? And he has said they enjoy and have agreed to have the DCs once per week, so this clearly does not make them feel taken for granted as they have agreed and originally suggested it as far as I can see from OP. So why the FIL is getting all snippy and on his high horse about, I have no idea. YA definitly NBU.

cruelladepoppins · 28/09/2010 19:33

mosschops YANBU but it can be very difficult - we sometimes expect other people to behave perfectly rationally when ... they don't. Just sounds to me like he had agreed, then had time to think about it and become offended and of course didn't have the guts to ring you. People do stuff by email/ text they would never do on the phone or in person.

Your ILs looking after your DCs regularly is doing both you and your DH a favour, not just you. I hope your DH can get the day off to look after the DCs so you can spend time with your mum, and I hope you both make sure your ILs know about it. e.g. "Mum sends her regards - we had a great day, DH took the day off so everything was fine Smile".

warthog · 28/09/2010 19:53

oh fair enough. i think he was a bit ott.

try and move on and don't let it sour your relationship with them. even though he's a bit of a twonk it's not worth burning bridges over.

rubbersoul · 28/09/2010 19:54

Mosschops, I genuinely don't know why they are making such a fuss about this- I could understand if you asked them to have your boys all the time but from you've said you don't- it's a one of special occasion for you and your mum. Peter kay tickets usually sell fast- I'm guessing you snapped them up and hoped PIL or your DH would be able to look after the children

They are being arses in my opinion. It's one night and they love having their grandsons, and get to help their daughter in law take her mum out for her birthday.

diddl · 28/09/2010 20:07

"and get to help their daughter in law take her mum out for her birthday."-which might be the problem!

Katisha · 28/09/2010 20:09

Has he deigned to reply yet?

StayFrosty · 28/09/2010 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 28/09/2010 20:09

It is a delicate balance, having family childminding your children.

You should have sorted out the childcare before you booked the event.

It is very upsetting when you ask for an extra bit of childcare to help you out and it is turned down. I have been in your position and it's all very personal and unplesant at the time.

rubbersoul · 28/09/2010 20:17

I see your point diddl- perhaps jealousy from the PILs? Hadn't thought of this

Do hope you can sort something out mosschops

StayFrosty · 28/09/2010 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubbersoul · 28/09/2010 20:40

They DO sound like unreasonable people though StayFrosty Hmm If you'd read my previous post I said they should be pleased to help mosschops take her mother out for her birthday- they obviously don't give two hoots

sowhatis · 28/09/2010 20:49

I think you have apologised - i would have found that hard tbh, and that shuld be the end of the matter.

i think they should also 'make an exception' as you are taking your recently bereaved mum out, if they cant do that then i would seriously take issue with it. its not as if you are gonig to get your nails done!!

StayFrosty · 28/09/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.