To be upset with FIL

[mosschops30]

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future'

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

I agree with woodentop - in families, there is always a bit of taking each other for granted, because it's a relationship based on love.

And suddenly the ILs are standing on ceremony and making a point about taking care of their GC and the etiquette around making arrangements and lining up childcare, when it was quite open to them to say 'sorry, not convenient'. It is a bit mean, I think.

Your FIL sounds horrible.

Sorry StayFrosty, I'm very emotional today, pregnancy hormones to contend with... I understand your post now

had this myself. my parents are very good about babysitting and used to have dd1 a day each week so i could work (she was in nursery 3 other days, parents are retired, wouldnt accept money, and they didnt want her in nursery 4 days a week).

An 'away day' came up at work where I had to stay overnight due to distance. I asked my parents if they could do two days that week rather than the one and my mum got very angry saying to my dad 'This better not be a regular thing!!!' (I overheard as was in the next room. It was said in a very unpleasant voice.

I'd never asked before and at that point exh and I had just divorced (he lives 200 miles away) so had no one else to ask.

Caused huge rift in the family, I was very upset that they were acting in that way when it wasn't for a night out or enjoying myself, it was a mandatory work training event.

Anyway, maybe I was BU but I put dd in nursery for the next few weeks the day they usually had her and relations were very frosty for a while.

I did expect them to help and I see nothing wrong with that expectation, we're family and I would help them, everyone in a family should pull together.

Short answer no you weren't bu (obviously should have asked them first, think that's been covered!) and I'd have sent him a text telling him to grow up - but then Im bolshy

"everyone in a family should pull together."

Exactly! Since when has it become an imposition to dare ask family for a helping hand? FCS!

YANBU

He is an awkward twat, IMO.

I suspect it was because you were not at work but, 'out enjoying yerself'.

I am sure that as people get older, they expect you to have really shite lives as they may have had.

My Father is terribly intolerant with my children and we have had many 'frosty' visits with my SM trying her best to keep everyone happy.

I keep them to an utter minimum. In my opinion it's hard to find anyone over 65 without far too much to say on the disciplining of children or your attention or lack of it.

I should try saying that DH will take the day off work, I'm sure that isn't result your FIL would expect and will leave him either to say yes or look like a surly old git for letting his son use up a days leave. Its a bit passive aggressive but might work.

"everyone in a family should pull together."

Yes-but surely that should include the husband?

What´s wrong with him having time off so his wife can see her Mum on her birthday?

I paid my MIL for looking after my ds whilst I went to work.

She didn't ask. I suggested it. There's no one else I would've trusted to look after my ds, in any case. The money paid for little extras for her. It also meant I could ask for extra when need be which was helpful as I got extra work with little notice. Now he's at school she misses him desperately.

I think you are BU to carp at their refusal, tbh. Just because you have apologised doesn't mean they should relent and agree to have the dcs.

I bet you felt mortified. BUT, who hasn't ever made a mistake? Nobody is perfect, and you assumed, because you know they love having the kids. The thing is, people hate being taken for granted.

It doesn't sound like you TOLD them you were going to be giving them the kids an extra day, you did ask, so I think you fil is being unreasonable, at the expense of your mother.

Myself, I would not text or phone, I'd go over to them in person and tell them you are sorry, and hope they won't hold it against you.
Better to humble yourself in person, it is more sincere than anything else.

Hope you can plan something else with your mother on a week end when your husband can take care of the kids.

How come you're not taking your kids to see your Mum? If you hardly ever see her surely she's desperate to see them.

I can't imagine any granny who'd rather see that twat PK than their own grandkids on their birthday.

No wonder the ILs are pissed off.

I've never lived near relatives so would never arrange anything like your expedition without arranging childminding first, and am surprised those of you who use relatives don't also sort out childminding before booking things.
You were emotionally blackmailing them by trying to make them responsible for the failure of your planned overnight stay with your mum if they didn't do as you wanted.
I agree with others though that it seems odd your mum wouldn't rather see all of you for the weekend for her treat. My dad is bereaved and would far rather see all of us for longer, and have a DVD of a show if the show was only midweek.
The main thing I feel FIL is being unreasonable about here is by texting you to discuss this rather than phoning you or arranging to meet you.
Texts and emails are crap for this sort of thing.

To the last two posts - there are many issues with my mum which I dont care to go into. She came down to stay 2 weeks ago for 4 days to see the dc's. Taking the kids to see my mum is not her idea of a present

Also 2rebecca how was I emotionally blackmailing them?? I asked if they were available to have the dc's, they said yes, then said no in a nasty way by text. At no point did I say 'oh well if you dont have them I cant go' Im not sure where youve got this bizarre idea from, perhaps you should read thread.

Anyway, after sleeping on it I am even more bloody peed off this morning. About the things I have done for them and not batted an eyelid, about the amount of taking for granted BIL does (help him pay for his flat, help him decorate flat, feed him daily, gave him business, kept business going when he went on holiday at short notice etc etc) yes thats their perogative and doesnt bother me or dh, but to say i 'take them for granted' is a bit of a piss take to be quite honest.
Am looking into alternative childcare today. No reply from FIL

Yabu.

Yes, FIL is obnoxious in his mean spirited text, but you made the first wrong move. I seriously cannot believe you blithely asked them to have your children overnight, for hours on end, as if it's no big deal. It's a massive deal, I'd have grovelled on bended knee in asking them and would have done the asking ages in advance. Well, no, I wouldn't even have asked - I would never consider asking my in laws to have my children for so long so I could entertain my mum. I mean how are they supposed to feel being lumped with your kids again while you swan off for a good time with your mum?!! Beggars belief.

ITS NOT OVERNIGHT, READ THE BLOODY THREAD!!!!

My mistake, but overnight or not is irrelevant. It's for MANY hours, that's the point. It's not some tiny favour.

since when has anyone let reading the thread get in teh way of having an opinion on AIBU evil

Gooftroop - are you having a laugh? My parents and pil would love to have the dc overnight and have the oldest o/night probably once every three weeks.

All of my friend's also have parents / pil that have their dc either during summer holidays 4 days out of every 5, or overnight at least once a month, they like it, they are their grandchildren

Its that your parents/pil obviously don't enjoy time with your dc.

That's true, they don't, because my parents/pil have lives, jobs, etc and don't want to spend all their free time looking after their grandchildren.

But that's not the point! The point is that whether one's parents like babysitting or not, it's a big deal asking them to have your kids for many hours so you can go off and socialise. End of. If OP had taken that attitude when asking FIL, I bet she'd never have recieved the rude text.

Gooftroop - 'overnight or not is irrelevant'

I disagree - it's hugely different, but don't let your misreading of the post get in the way of you proving your point and blasting the OP.

and 'I mean how are they supposed to feel being lumped with your kids again while you swan off for a good time with your mum?!!'

Up until this point they had said they loved having the kids, so OP took them at their word. If someone tells you they are happy to do something - you would be fairly reasonable in assuming that they meant what they were saying.

OP - I'm not surprised you're still seething and good for you for looking into alternatives. I think, although it might be a pain now, you'll feel happier about having a professional arrangement in the future.

gooftroop you sound like such a charming person!
I dont 'lump' them with my dc's they look after ds2 one day a week, and take ds1 to school on that one day. We rarely ask for any other help.
And taking my mum out for her birthday is hardly 'swanning round' its not like Im dumping them for a night on the lash with the girls is it?