To be upset with FIL

[mosschops30]

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future'

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

"End of" PMSL - the final word has been spoken by gooftrop please desist from further comment

I disagree that loving your granchildren implies you will have no time to yourself or other social life and will be available for short notice nonemergency babysitting.
I wouldn't want to look after a relative's kids now at short notice, let alone when I'm much older and a grandparent.
When I'm a grandparent I doubt I will want to do regular childminding (I'll probably still be working for 1 thing) That won't mean I won't love my grandchildren or enjoy spending time with them. There are lots of things I enjoy doing, but don't want to do all the time.
Small kids are tiring and can be boring. If you're a parent you have to accept that, grandparents shouldn't have to. They've done their parenting. Wanting some time to themselves doesn't mean they don't love their grandchildren and want some time with them.

'If someone tells you they are happy to do something - you would be fairly reasonable in assuming that they meant what they were saying.'

All grandparents say they 'love' looking after their grandchildren, just like all parents say their children's playmates were 'a delight' to the parents at collection time. It's being polite. Yes of course most grandparents do love being with their grandchildren, but ... for hours on end - it's hard work that should never be taken for granted.

goof - you a class act - 'end of' you little cute poppet, you

there is obviously a middle ground between having no life and then never babysitting.

My parents have 3 clubs they go to a week and countless cruises every year. They still like having dc at least once a week.

moss - a professional arrangement may be better, it means you won't feel beholden.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IT WAS ONE EXTRA DAY ONCE!! NOT 'all the time', not making them 'want some time to themselves'.

I think some of you have issues with how much your parents want to see your dc and are venting that here. It's sad to see

No - not all grandparents say that, and some won't do it. I wouldn't dream of asking my ILs now. I understand they're not so keen. They're elderly and have health issues.

And I don't think OP is saying that they are with the GCs for hours on end regularly. They have an arrangement - which is perhaps no longer suiting the grandparents, but the grandparents are still saying 'we love having the kids' in one breath, but the FIL has indicated (via text) that the opposite of this might now be true. And now OP is making alternative arrangements based on this new information.

Yes, yes, yes, I understand this was a one-off and OP doesn't take advantage of her inlaws. My point, again, is that it's still a big ask, even as a one-off and if this had been understood by the OP, then this whole situation would not have exploded. She would have asked in a different way, probably earlier, indicating she realised what a big favour this was, etc. She would have included mini speech about how it would be completely fine if they not able to do it, she has back ups etc etc.

It's not the asking that was the problem, but the way it was done. Imo. End of :o

Although I still would never even have asked! Not for more than an hour or two max and only for eg to attend a parent's evening at school - not to do anything remotely fun and certainly not to take out my own mum!

But it wasn't a problem, because they said it wasn't a problem (the regular arrangement). If grown ups can't say they have a problem with something, then they have the problem. They should have been up front about it. It's not OP to blame here.

Well, that's your position Gooftroop - but there are many other grandparents who do like being asked, are delighted to have GCs over night, and many mum's who deserve a break and are happy to take one for longer than a couple of hours. Not everyone is in the same situation as you.

They said it wasn't a problem because they were embarrassed to pipe up and say no - in asking them to babysit OP should have given them an easy, polite get-out so they didn't have to feel awkward turning her down on the spot. Obviously they got to stewing about it later, which is what old people do, and worked themselves into a lather.

i always think that what people give they usually get back in return. this just means to don't have to be quite so flexible when they grandparents are older and need help from you. you will be able to say 'no' if you think they are taking you for granted.

Many of my friends are young grandparents (I'm not as young as I used to be) and virtually every single one of them tells me that although they love their grandchildren - and genuinely love having them from time to time - they find them a handful. So they resent it if their kids take their babysitting for granted. Hard as it may be for you to believe StayFrosty.

This is the kind of text that i am convinced I am going to get off my MIL one day, but that's just me being paranoid. We (shock horror) get her to babysit so we can go and do fun things like go out for meals etc. She does love looking after DS, so why wouldn't we?
Occasionally something will come up that has been organised before we've asked her if it'a ok to babysit (ie friends have got tickets for something). But I always stress that our going is only ok if she is totally ok with sitting for us, and that we didn't take it for granted that she would be available.
A couple of years ago my SIL called my MIL on the day to see if she could babysit as her and her DH wanted to go out (just to the pub I think). MIL said no as she'd arranged to go out (very very rare). SIL got really angry, sayting she didn't ask her very often (not really true..!) and then didn't really speak to her for a few months. I was so shocked by her behaviour that I am now super paranoid that MIL doesn't think we are taking her for granted!

lovechildofBjork - I agree with all you say. It's all in the WAY you ask - being super paranoid is good. Means you are considerate and not taking for granted.

StayFrosty - You can love looking after kids and still find them an exhausting handful. That's what I've been doing for 16 years.

Gooftroop, I have never taken my parents for granted in childcare. In fact, they have recently told me that they are surprised I haven't asked for more babysitting, so that DP and I can go out and have a bit more fun! So yes, you can ask for parents/ILs to babysit for something other than dire emergency. It will depend entirely on the relationship you have.

I don't ask MIL to sit for anything other than maybe an hour in the daytime. While she is fit and healthy, she is after all 81 years old. But she does like to help out occasionally, so occasionally it is. Now that the dcs are older she is essentially supervising two well behaved kids, not so much a problem. But, it is very easy for her to say no to me, and I've never had a problem, I just ask.

yes dreaming you are right next time FIL phones me and says 'can you pick up this part from the plumb center because if you dont me and BIL wont be able to finish this job tomorrow' I shall be pleased to reply yes, and then a while later txt and say 'oh i didnt pick up part you needed, please dont take me for granted in future'

gooftroop i think you and I are on completely different wavelengths. I do not put upon my IL's, I think that grown adults should be able to say no when they mean no, I do not lump my dcs on anyone, me and dh rarely go out without dcs, my ILs are neither elderly, or working, or have lots of fun things they like to do, I am noty selfish, I am not swanning round living the life of riley and I not appreciate your auumptions about any of the above. END OF!

I'm sure mosschops has taken on board that she should probably have checked first and a bit more in advance but to pick up on what Goof said as a more general point...

"not to do anything remotely fun" - why would the reason make any difference to GP's? if the reason as you say they don;t want to have them is that its hard work then it isn;t any less hard work because its an annual birthday trip with your mother than a school event.

Anyway my mum is happy to babysit for me once a month (on average) in addition to looking after DS one day a week (after school) becasue apart fom the fact that she loves having him but also because she loves me and she likes me to go out once a month and have "fun" .

Despite teh fact that I am an adult she still loves me and wants to help and support me wihtout it compromising her life too much. I am immensely grateful for what she does for me, which she knows, and in return I include her in a huge amount that we do as a family including a holiday every year.

Using GP's for childcare is indeed fraught with difficulties but can be a fantastic solution for all concerned and isn't a one way street by any means (I also give my mum a token amount of money to cover food and pay any of her otehr out of pocket costs).

Mosschops - would it be possible for your DH to ask FIL directly (face to face not by text they are easily misinterpreted) if they want to reconsider the arrangement. If they are having second thoughts or are finding it it hard then it would be a good time to find out, and if not will at least clear the air.

Oh for heaven's sake no one saying you put upon your inlaws or take for granted. The FIL a bad tempered git, we all agree. I just saying that you, ok not you, but one, needs to take extreme care when asking big favours of ILs so they don't end up seething like your FIL did. And recognising that looking after your kids for many hours IS a big favour, bigger than picking something up from the plumbing centre, would help.

"my ILs are neither elderly, or working, or have lots of fun things they like to do" - sorry MOss - I did reference this earlier but I really think this is the heart of the problem. They know damn well they can do it and they don't have anything else to do must they mind like hell everyone assuming/knowing that they have nothing else to do...

I have no life - I freely admit it! But would be a bit peeved for the rest of the family to assume that even though its true!

Kewcumber - really agree with your point, so true.

As a gp who has her dgc lots, i would prefer to be asked first if my ds or dd were arranging something, however if they were being invited somewhere thats different babysitting at short notice is no problem under those circumstances. and I would be totally pissed off if they assumed I had nothing better to do:o

Want to hear something funny????

See if you can guess

oh bloody hell - I'm so bad at guessing games...

They've changed their mind again?