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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with FIL

192 replies

mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:13

IL's have the 2 dcs once a week for me to work. I am very grateful for this, always take them and pick them up on time, always say thank you for having them and dont really ask for any extra childcare (or very rarely).

Yesterday I picked up dcs and asked if they could do 2 days next week because I am taking my mum to see a show for her birthday. I am doing it in the shortest time possible (driving 3 hours to mums, then an hour to show, then staying over, then driving mum back home, then 3 hours home for me). They said ok.

Then this morning I had a txt saying 'you will have to find someone else for next week, please dont take us for granted in future' Hmm

I was initially really cross, but am now just upset that this txt will now cause bad feeling between us. DH has spoken to FIL and FIL says they love having the dcs but they didnt like that I had planned something and then asked them, if I had asked them before and then planned it they would be ok with it Hmm

So now I dont think I can take my mum away next week, not because the IL's are doing anything, but just because I didnt ask them the right way round!

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 11:44

thanks jee i totally take on board that I shouldve asked them a long time ago.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 28/09/2010 11:48

Actually I think YWBU organising something without having a babysitter arranged first. it does seem very like you just assumed they would be free. My parents LOVE having our kids but I would never go ahead and book something and expect them to babysit even if I knew they were free, I always check with them first before confirming any arrangement. Just because they are available does not mean they want to babysit and nor should they have to. Peoples free time is their own after all.
Your FIL's text was a bit OTT but he does have a valid point, they are entitled to be asked if they mind babysitting rather than being expected to or you/ your mums plans will be ruined.
I think you should apologise and confirm with them first in future before making plans.
If your mum ends up going to Peter Kay in her own it is down to your bad planning in not organising childcare first.

KittyMee · 28/09/2010 11:55

I think the text from your FIL was quite confrontational. Regardless of you slipping up and booking it prior to checking with them, there are ways of getting your point across without being an arse.

I think its great that you text him to apologise and clarify but I'm afraid he would be kept at arms length with me after sending something like that via text.

bamboostalks · 28/09/2010 11:56

Is it possible to arrange alternative childcare for your dc? I am with lucky, I would hate to feel beholden to someone who is clearly a bit resentful of what they are doing. I don't think it is sooo cheeky to ask them to do an extra day but clearly they are a bit bitter.

diddl · 28/09/2010 12:26

To go back to OP, I don´t think YABU to be upset with such a curt text.

It does seems as though they are feeling taken for granted though, otherwise why use that phrase.

Perhaps FIL is like my Dad-has become somewhat blunter with age.

sonia77 · 28/09/2010 12:48

Maybe they would like to be taken out to a show or dinner to say thank you to them for all they do?

IsabellaSwan · 28/09/2010 13:02

Do people really check if ILs can babysit before booking stuff? I would book stuff first and then ask - if they couldn't do it, no problem, I'd just pay a sitter (and if I couldn't get a sitter, I would just pass on the tickets to someone else).

Think FIL's text was rude and also a bit mean - they aren't doing anything, but would rather sit at home by themselves than help you out, purely to make a point. Bit spiteful really, given that it's for a special occasion.

The ILs clearly aren't happy for some reason, so if I were you I'd find alternative childcare in future. Seems a bit of a shame for your MIL though, as she will miss seeing them too - it might just be your FIL that is being this way out about it.

GeekOfTheWeek · 28/09/2010 13:10

Your FIL is BU imo.

He should have just said no if it was an issue.

If he felt taken for granted then perhaps he could have discussed it instead of texting about it.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 28/09/2010 13:14

Perhaps asking them first/giving them more notice would've been a good idea, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I've found that whenever I've enlisted the help of ILs, (even when I've not agreed to do something until I've checked they're happy/free to to look after the DCs) I've found that they have lost interest quite quickly and find they are no longer available. I think they like the idea of looking after them, but reality and the routine of it becomes a bit of a bind for them (I'm the same though, I get so fed up of routine) - so I've given up asking them and I'm not too vigilant in including them in our plans any more.

If this had happened to me, I would find it hard to forget that text - that's a bit of a rubbish way to communicate, I think, especially as they said OK to start with. I would also, as others have suggested, find myself a reliable childminder, someone who you pay and you don't have to be enternally grateful to, for when I'm working. But then, I'm more than happy to be grumpy like that.

androbbob · 28/09/2010 13:24

I use my mum for any babysitting, but usually ask her first before I make any firm arrangements as she is a busy retired person. Having said that though, I think any confrontational message sent by text can either be a cowards way to raise an issue or how things can be mis-interpreted - although in this case there is no doubt about the message Shock.

I would personally find a friend or other family member who would have them.

diddl · 28/09/2010 13:39

"Do people really check if ILs can babysit before booking stuff?"

Why wouldn´t you, rather than risk booking something & not being able to go?

paisleyleaf · 28/09/2010 13:41

Do people really book stuff without checking out what they're going to do about childcare first?

warthog · 28/09/2010 13:44

can see why they feel taken for granted.

yes you will have to grovel, and you might have to reschedule your mum's bday do. at least you can moan to her Smile

otchayaniye · 28/09/2010 13:50

I think you are both a little unreasonable, but you more so, because you did, in fact, take them for granted on that occassion. It would have been the work of minutes to check.

I think he's being a bit gittish over it, texting and moaning (if it was me I'd have swallowed it) but maybe the sheer regularity of looking after your kids and feeling bad about saying no is getting to him. Grandparents often like it on their terms, no?

Do you pay them? If you don't and you don't pay a retainer for being around out of hours then I can't see how you can feel put out. I simply don't understand why so many people feel their parents should provide childcare on a regular basis.

And what's all this passive aggressive texting about? Speak to each other. It's bad manners to apologise with a text.

diddl · 28/09/2010 14:04

"Grandparents often like it on their terms, no?"

Oh my goodness, can´t that be the truth!!

IsabellaSwan · 28/09/2010 14:10

Diddl/Paisley - do you never get asked "on the spot" if you want to do something and have to make a decision there and then? E.g. sometimes you have to book things before they sell out. I wouldn't expect my friends to risk missing out on something because they were waiting for me to get back to them. If it later turns out that I can't get childcare, then it's just my loss if I can't go.

diddl · 28/09/2010 14:15

Can´t say it has happened tbh-at least not for the daytime when it would be an issue.

paisleyleaf · 28/09/2010 14:21

Maybe, and like you say, it'd be your loss.
But I wouldn't take it upon myself to book tickets well in advance of a birthday I know is coming without having some sort of idea about childcare beforehand.

OTTMummA · 28/09/2010 14:29

I think your FIL is a grown man who should of said, sorry no if he had a problem with it.
I think his rudeness in sending that txt was far worse than your niaevity.
If you don't get to see your mum often then surely your DH will understand and take a day off.
So you do have other options for this day, i would also try and find a different person, non family to help with babysitting occasionally.
Obviously they don't like having the children as much as they say, so just keep it to once a week, or even cut it to every other, get a CM, they will be able to help you out in short notice most of the time aswell.
Im feeling pretty angry for you TBH.
And why is it the OP's sole responsibility to make her IL's feel appreciated, why can't their son arrange something FGS.

otchayaniye · 28/09/2010 14:41

Why should grandparents feel obliged to provide childcare? I think his resentment might run deeper than you think, hence him getting upset and handling it badly?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 15:26

otch your posts have really annoyed me. Me and dh have 3 dcs, the first two were in full time childcare until they went to school and I went to work full time (as did dh) we couldnt afford one wage and just managed to get by like this. We never EVER asked the in laws to have the children for us to work and we paid a registered childminder.

Then when we had no.3 they kept asking what I was going to do about work, my childminder was no longer available and I couldhnt get anyone to take ds1 to school and pick him up. So my only option was to work 2 x 12 hour shifts a week, and my in laws said they would be happy to do one day and see how it went.

So I now do one 12 hour day and then a 12 hour night shift at the weekend when dh is home.

We dont pay them (and they wouldnt let us) MIL has not worked for years because they are well off and FIL is retired, they live in a massive house in the best area of where we live, theyre not strugling for anything.

Is one day a week, and sometimes not even that if I do 2 night shifts 'sheer regularity' you make it sound as if they provide free childcare 5 days a week!

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2010 15:27

oh and I meant to say that he hasnt txt me back

OP posts:
otchayaniye · 28/09/2010 16:05

Mosschops30, I didn't intend to annoy you, but you can't make your parents continue to want to provide free regular childcare. I can understand

I'm sorry, but you had another child and are now expecting them to provide ad hoc babysitting on top of regular childcare. Ok, they offered but maybe they've had enough now but feel to awkward or unkind to end the arrangement?

And what does how well off they are and how big their house is have to do with anything?

You can almost always find childcare. Also, how about your husband going flexible? Not always possible but worth looking into.

otchayaniye · 28/09/2010 16:07

I meant, I can understand that they offered but maybe they find it a bit much and the regularity of it rather stifling?

otchayaniye · 28/09/2010 16:11

At the end of the day, you are annoyed, really annoyed (and now annoyed with me, a complete stranger on a bloody forum) with someone who does you an ENORMOUS favour every sodding week!

Beggers belief, it really does.