Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@Thefellowship

I told him I was done. He has begged for a month to prove he can stop drinking. So all I have to do is watch him fail then I am free of it.

You know, you don't have to stay. If he's going to get sober he can and should do it without you. We aren't required to 'pay a price' by sticking around in order to 'buy' our freedom. It's there for the taking.

I think i waa actually a bit disappointed that he was going to try to stop.

Oh does this sound familiar! esDH was sober 3 weeks and in a way I was dreading it continuing because that would have forced me to 'declare myself' and incurred a whole ration of shit I'm not quite ready to deal with, like the cleaning of the nuclear waste dump that is our house before we can put it on the market. And the emotional fallout from saying "No, I'm not coming back". At this point I wouldn't be completely surprised if he burned the house down. And I'm only half joking.

I think both of those thoughts of yours are a hint that you really want 'out', period. Not 'out because of drinking'. Not telling you what to do but it's something to think about.

@AcrossthePond55 you are so right. I have said to him I might still not want him to stay even if he manages it. I have really been clear that this should not be for me. And that he needs to be honest with other people in his life about what is going on. No secrets and shame.

Looking back i think he has always engineered a row or some kind of difficulties so he has an excuse to drink

Have spoken to the kids and my parents and let them know what is going on. We all love him very much and I hope he knows that. It's all a bit sad.

@Thefellowship

It's beyond sad, it's tragic. As my eldest says "Mum, there is a good man in there, Dad just won't let him out". But since we aren't in charge of them they must let that good man out by themselves.

I'm glad you spoke to your family. As the Good Book says "The truth shall set you free". Telling others is good for us. Not only because they are then a source of comfort and support to us, but because saying the truth 'out loud' helps us to accept it, it makes it 'real'.

Do they know we love them? That's a good question. Deep down in their moments of honesty I believe they do. But in the moments of justification of their drinking and finding excuses for it, I believe it serves their purpose better to deny it. But that, too, is on them. And it's not up to us to convince them otherwise when that happens.

@AcrossthePond55 where was the key ? Did you leave in it a place easily found as knew he would then drive and oh the sheriff will be called

evil cackle

@Thefellowshipyou don’t need to stay that month you know. If you have had enough

but I get why you want that one last try. To make sure you are doing the right thing. And you are

tho

what happens if he does stay sober for a month ?

any chance he can ?

but agree. Get any paperwork sorted

and if you are serious then apply for divorce after the month as once you do you have to wait 20w and you can do nothing in those 5ths

it really pissed me off doing nothing. They call it a cooling off period and then 5mths ask if you still want to proceed

tho sounds like he won’t stop. Ex was on k will only drink tue and Thur. or not drink all week but only at weekends etc

But as you have been here 9mths ago you know deep down he’s not going to stop and hopefully middle of July (so you have a set date) you can carry on with planning single life

@Penguinsandspaniels

No, it was actually where you'd have to stand in one particular place to see it. I was surprised he found it. But then again, he does have another key lost somewhere in the house. Maybe he found that one instead. I don't think he's driven but the one time.

I've only spoken to him briefly today (he called me), but it appears that today is not a 'good day'. I'm keeping my distance for my own well being

The reason I gave mine a last chance was so I could know in my heart that I had done absolutely every-bloody-thing I could to support him. It helped a lot with the inevitable feelings of guilt. I think it's a thing we do for us, not for them.

I gave mine so many chances, but he never sought any professional help, so he was always white knuckling it, and since his base consumption was some where over 200 units a week there was no hope for that. I lost count of the number of times I helped him titrate down to a few days or weeks of sobriety. It exhausts me just to think of it. I’m sitting here over 2 years on from the final straw in calm….not stressing about every noise, or lack of noise.

Same @pointythings. I stuck it out for another year as kicked him out originally Feb 23 less than 2yrs married but took back after 3w as he was so charming /convincing /sorry /would go back to aa / etc and course dd at then 4 was happy to have daddy back and missed him

but Feb 24 after a another few relapses /ruining holidays a few days by drinking but denying as usual /shouting when drunk and just in hindsight walking on eggshells so much

I’ve said before many times I didn’t reliese how much I did till I didn’t

2yrs on he still drinks and lies and hasn’t changed at all.

Got worse if anything which I do feel some guilt over tho know I shouldn’t - it’s was his happiness or mine and dd ‘s

hindsight I wish I didn’t marry as cost me a lot to divorce but 5yrs ago I did love him and tho he drank it wasn’t crazy

it was the hiding and lying about drink that was almost more of a marriage breaker then the actual drinking iyswim

I took mine back -although I was rather forced into the situation as he wasn't for leaving. All that happened was that things got worse until we reached crisis point and he was taken away by the police. Guilt or no guilt, if you've had enough leave. I've said it before, but these are grown men who are making our lives miserable through their bad choices. We don't need to stay and suffer when it is helping nobody (and causing long term damage to our own mental health and the mental health of our children).

Even more important to leave if have kids as they have no choice in the matter

I have friends my age who parents drank and they said they wish the other parent said no more and separated

it’s not always the man who drinks

He has already tried to start an argument this morning because he wants to feel hard done by. I doubt very much he will manage it but this month is definitely for me. It's the first time family and friends have known about it. Divorce should be fairly easy, no mortgage not much pension etc. Only asset is the house.

It absolutely isn't always the man. We have had two people in my rl group where it was the woman. One died, absolutely tragic.

@Thefellowship

Ugh! Those manufactured arguments! They're frustrating because they're pretty much unanswerable. Best thing you can to is just walk away.

I think we give chances until there are no chances left to give. And I think we do it for us, not them. As @pointythings said, we want to know we left no stone unturned. I'm pretty much there now as I just don't see myself ever being able to forgive him for the hell he's put me through. And continues to put me through.

In other news.

Yesterday it was 2 nurses, the fire department, EMS and later the sheriff. The nurses were 'home health' so were expected but he still did his "I'm not well' routine for them. He called 911 twice (FD and EMS), and the sheriff was apparently called (assume a welfare check) by the man who has mowed our yard and pastures. All resulting in no action. They can't make him go to hospital. What a waste of resources!

Yesterday evening I got my first 'real' suicide message from him. He's made threats using vague phrases before but this is the first time he used the phrase 'kill myself'. I didn't really have an emotional reaction, again it was just numbness. I calmly texted back that if he felt like that he needed to call 911 or 988 (suicide hotline). Later on, there was movement in the house so once again pure manipulation. The few times he made vague threats and I called 911 he told them he had no idea what my problem was and I was just trying to 'stir up trouble' for him.

I think that now that my 'thing' is gone, my name is off the other vehicles, and he realizes that 'I'm selling the house' doesn't phase me he's getting desperate for things to 'torment' or blackmail me with. I still don't think he'd ever actually kill himself. But a small corner in the back of my brain is prepared just in case.

I don’t think ex will kill his self either @AcrossthePond55 as in tablets /hanging/wrists etc

but I think he will die via drink. He will fall and hit his head , have a heart attack , stroke , stomach bleed

hes got his uc. He done a huge £250 online shop including buying vodka that been delivered at 11am and has more vodka being delivered tomorrow

I said last time I wasn’t going to see him the weekend after his uc - but instead I’ve made plans to see family but invited him

that way either he will be pissed /annoying but not just dd and i and others will see his behaviour

or he will cancel as has a bug (body can’t cope with the booze) and he’s sick and shits

Let’s see what happens Sunday

My lovely work friend just sent me this 'You have to leave him because it is the only kind thing to do for him. You have tried everything else to try to get him to stop drinking himself to death, and it hasn't worked. You have to see if leaving him is the thing that shocks him in to trying to stop, and you can't be left thinking, what if I'd left him, maybe that would have shocked him into stopping. It is shit but it is what it is...take care x'. She is awesome. Also on MN sometimes so Hi, P if you ever find this!

I cannot stand the sound of a plastic bottle being unscrewed. Instant tension.

@Thefellowship
What a wise and wonderful friend!

I sort of had that hope for DH soon after I walked out. Originally I left because it was just intolerable, but a few days later there was a tiny bit of me that felt 'maybe it'll be a wakeup call'. Needless to say, over a year later it hasn't been. It's been a rough awakening to realize that I simply don't mean as much to him as alcohol does.

I pretty much feel the same way @Penguinsandspaniels . Deep down i don't think he will either.

Sunday will be interesting if he shows up. I'm thinking he won't unless he manages to drink all his UC away by then.

She is a wise friend @Thefellowship

I think he will text sun am and say not feeling well

we will see

he’s gonna get very drunk as this is outing if people know me - but guessing most don’t read this part of mn who do know me on here

but it’s ex eldest son wedding tomorrow. Dd and I are invited. Ex isn’t. Dss said he didn’t want him there as didn’t trust him. Not ruining his day via being drunk and made no effort to stop drinking and therefore doesn’t want him at his wedding

ex is furious I’m invited. Always was. When we split I said to dss that I wouldn’t be offended if he didn’t invite me /took invite back and he said no way.

he said That I was a better step mum then ex was a dad as he’s lived with us for a few years on and off and my house

hence the 2 bottles tomorrow being delivered and the one today - so 3 litres in 36hrs

he can’t stop till bottle is empty so guessing gonna drink 120 units in 36hrs

and another reason why I don’t went to be just dd and I Sunday as really don’t know what his body /behaviour will be like

It isn't always a man, that's for sure. Alcohol is a dangerous drug. It'll never be my vice but I can see how easy it would be to numb pain through drink.