Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Can I please update where I am because I’m trying to be positive to my husband and my adult kids but I really do feel despondent- even Hagen dass won’t lift my mood.and you are my people now.
so he’s now 5 months sober which I do appreciate is very early days. He is going to AA every day or an online meeting. Therapy with the rehab people once a week sponsor once a week. But it’s like the person he was before has been swalllowed up completely. He isn’t working and won’t be going back to work
nut that’s a bit of an issue because he wants a settlement from them which I think could all get very triggering very quickly.
He isn’t lifting a finger in the house before all this he was great and took charge of cooking the garden etc. I’m not expecting a lot but I was out yesterday and he didn’t even put the breakfast stuff away .
i know I should be positive but I just have days where i feel so unhappy and tearful . I’m really not a nice person to be around. I’m very angry with some close family members for their zero support but in all honesty I think I’ve been very unapproachable and I’m not sure what I wanted from them. Although as some recently went on a.holiday without inviting me but instead sent photos once they were there I feel very pushed out.
So some positive stuff re the not drinking but it all feels very fragile.
i am sorry because obviously peoples situations on here are a million times worse for most women . If I’m being tactless i do apologise. And please do tell me to get a grip .
i have got some therapy booked in for two weeks time. Hopefully i wont spend the whole hour weeping.
sending as many good vibes as I can to all and hope those people who’ve gone quiet are ok ?

I think he would rather die than stop drinking. With the medical issues he has, lying about it is extremely dangerous and will affect his treatment. Idiot.

That sounds absolutely exhausting @wouldratgerbeunknown

I keep typing and retyping because I want so much to be able to help but I feel like I am the baby of the group...

@wouldratgerbeunknown I’m no doctor but I think you may have post traumatic stress disorder. It’s not over for you, how can it be, you lost everything very quickly and very suddenly, and the person who was responsible for that gets a free pass while you pick up the slack and wait for the axe to fall again. And you are supposed to pretend it didn’t happen, or you are the unsupportive wife. Fuck that for a game of soldiers
Im wondering what you said to him when you came home to dirty breakfast stuff? He's not a child and hes not ill, he needs to pull his weight. And doing so is part of his recovery. And you are not his nurse or his maid. I think you need to communicate some clear expectations. I wouldn’t, at this stage, try to have him understand your feelings, he s too preoccupied with himself, but I would be open with other family members.
Also, and again, keep building an independent life for yourself, see friends, take up hobbies, buy a new dress, make sure you start an escape fund , just in case. I love my husband dearly, but I think that love would have died if he put me through what yours did. No wonder you aren’t happy. I wouldn’t be either. I think your username points to the truth, don’t think you have had much practice at prioritising your own needs, or standing up to be counted.
n
Now is the time to start.

They all lie. Ex said he barely drinks at hosp where older dd said he’s an alcoholic

or from saying I don’t drink anymore - total lies / he know says I barely drink as can’t afford it

yet somehow manages to buy 10 bottles or so out of his uc. Amazing eh. If his money he got off government was less he would have to drink less

but it’s the lies / he would get more support if was truthful

is he really overweight @Thefellowship? As seems the alcoholics I know are quite slim as either don’t eat much or forget to eat

but yes mj should help with weight and many say it stops cravings of booze /go off it

Why isn’t he working @wouldratgerbeunknown?

great he’s 5mths but sure you are still on tenterhooks waiting ….

he needs to help you out. Esp if you are main bread winner

no need to apologise. This is our safe space for all - he may be sober but you are struggling and need help

no one thinks of how the wife is doing - it’s all about them. Well done. Sober. Etx

how’s about the shit he put you through !!

This 10000000%

@Penguinsandspaniels he is probably 6+ stone overweight. He drinks cider so has at least an extra 9000 calories every week and mobility issues mean he gets no exercise at all. It's all around his middle. I kind of wish I knew how much of his illness is due to the alcohol. I can see that his face is very red now (under the beard). How long does it take to die of it?

@wouldratgerbeunknown During the time mine was sober, there was a similar retreat from domestic life and family responsibilities. It was all about him and his 'recovery'. It was exhausting and depressing, because I'd been anticipating a return to some kind of normality and it was nothing like the old normal. Our relationship felt broken and I was miserable throughout.

@thefellowship when my DH was lying to his GP and being prescribed tablets which were dangerous when combined with alcohol I wrote to the doctor to inform her about how much he was drinking.

Maybe jabs will be his lifeline

lose weight and the urge to drink may stop @Thefellowship

i have said to doc before that dh was drinking far more then he said. That he lies about the amount and he can’t be trusted

found out on his medical notes that dh printed and showed me that doc said wife says he drinks too much and lies

that didn’t help our marriage !

Yes I keep thinking when will he be returning from whatever hellish place they go to.? He is old enough to retire and will get quite a good pension so it’s not that issue it’s that he wants some kind of pay off I said you’re lucky they just didn’t sack you.
anyway we have booked a few days away next week I really need to get away from helping with my grandson monitoring my elderly ( boozer) mother but I wish I’d just arranged to go by myself

when we get back if he sticks with it I’ll have a serious talk about the future but as I’m sure you all appreciate some of my plans are secret because I need to be ready to activates if necessary so I don’t want to alert him to too much .
ri remember you saying @CharlotteByrdethat your husband stayed sober for a year before relapsing that must have been awful for you .

My fear is that the jabs will lead to a sudden decrease in consumption which could be very dangerous for him. I've been on them for 18 months and know just how effective they can be!

I've just realised he has alcoholic neuropathy. No wonder they can't make a confident diagnosis. I'm so angry right now. Every single symptom fits.

Checking in! Manic week at work, soooo tired, but looking forward to the end of GCSEs for my eldest.

Gosh, it’s been full on for a lot of you. I’m sorry about the hideous week you have been having @AcrossthePond55, and I’m so pleased that you have got the ‘thing’ back. I hope the abuse stops now.

@Thefellowship. he may need a medical detox if he is going to go cold turkey from a physical dependency. Or is the hope that the Weight lose injections (WLI) will assist him to cut down? Ex never tried WLI but did have naltroxene and acamprosate - neither stopped him drinking. He barely ate as it was to be honest - too full of strong cider. He was malnourished and muscles beginning to waste away but very bloated.

@wouldratgerbeunknown massive hugs. I really understand where you are coming from. It feels like addiction is all about the addict and then recovery is still all about them too. I was so resentful and bitter with Ex after rehab one and two for this reason. He had behaved so appallingly during the previous rounds of addiction and I was supposed to just shut up and be endlessly positive so I didn’t risk his recovery?! Five months is brilliant (my Ex’s longest was 2 months out of rehab) but why is he doing nothing around the house?

Just googled and fits ex dh as well

@wouldratgerbeunknown

The only thing I'll add to the wise words you've had from other 'club members' is : Just because he's sober doesn't mean you have to stay.

Now, I'm not telling you to leave but you just sound so miserable. And from what we know of 'our' alcoholics/addicts they simply don't change. It sounds like your DH has made up his mind that he needs to be 'pampered' and that it's just too much to expect him to do 'home duties' AND keep sober.

So just put my thought in your back pocket and simply remember it's there.

Absolutely you don’t have to stay just as he’s sober

and if you divorce and he relapses and drinks that is also not your fault

@Thefellowship

Oh, they all lie about their consumption. They don't want to hear the shit they'll get for drinking too much. To them the end justifies the means. They want to keep drinking with no hassle and so lying is OK. esDH insisted to me that he has not been drinking. Even when I told him his bank account shows otherwise he still insisted. My mistake? Trying to make him admit it. When it comes to when and how much they drink, it's a lost cause. So my lesson for today is "Why bother?". Of course I'm not living with him so it's easier for me to say that.

You also said "I want so much to be able to help but I feel like I am the baby of the group...". Lovely friend, no one here is 'the baby'. It doesn't matter if we've been living with 'our' alcoholic for 10 days or 10 years, each of us has wisdom to share and a story to tell that may ring a bell for someone and show them they're not alone. It's the commonality of our experiences that matters, not how long we've been experiencing them.

Interesting about the alcoholic neuropathy. DH has had neuropathy in his lower legs and feet for quite a few years. Even though he wasn't 'off the rails' like he has been for the last year (God, has it been that long already???) he was a heavy drinker. The doc couldn't figure a reason for it (no diabetes) so they put it down to him being so tall and the pressure it put on his lower extremities. If she'd known the truth about his drinking, he probably would have been diagnosed with alcoholic neuropathy.

@Nogoodusername

It's certainly been a week!!!

Today's episode of my soap opera "As The Stomach Turns" (play on the name of an old US daytime soap) was that as I was 'out and about' running errands, in the space of about 45 minutes he called 911 three times, yes, THREE. The first two he denied calling to EMS and said he didn't want to go to the hospital. I overheard these two via Ring whilst sitting in a parking lot. So I thought I'd stick around since I was close to the house. I figured he'd probably call 911 again and if he left for the ER I'd have a chance to grab a couple things. The third time I didn't hear the conversation but since I was nearby I thought I'd take the chance that he was gone (he was). I went in and got what I wanted and left. He returned shortly thereafter. I am sure they are sick of him calling, but the law says they have to respond.

And the grand finale is that he found his truck key, so he's now driving without a license, without insurance, and in a vehicle that's registered 'non operational'. And probably after drinking. I've had enough today, but tomorrow I'm going to call the Sheriff's office and tell them. They can't do anything about it unless they see him driving, but if they do and even if he's sober the truck will be impounded. If he has any alcohol in his system he'll go to jail. In fact, I think under the terms of his probation he's not allowed to drink at any time and if they decide to 'drop in on him' he's required to submit to testing. If he has alcohol in his system again, jail for a probation violation.

As Dr Seuss said "Today was good, today was fun tomorrow is another one". We shall see what tomorrow brings.

I told him I was done. He has begged for a month to prove he can stop drinking. So all I have to do is watch him fail then I am free of it.

Use that month to line up your ducks so that you're several jumps ahead.

I'm decades ahead on that, don't worry!

I would love to believe that he can do it and I will get my husband back but it is statistically very unlikely. I checked back on these threads and the last time he promised to cut down was August last year.

He has never said he was going to stop before. He was already adding caveats by the end of the conversation eg 'once I've given up for a year I can have drinks on special occasions'.

I think i waa actually a bit disappointed that he was going to try to stop.