Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@MamaBear81 I had a non molestation order and occupation order put in place before any decision was made about charging my husband. The fact that he has pleaded guilty to charges must be a major factor towards them being granted. Do pm me if you would like to chat, I’m happy to share my experience. Sorry that you have had to go through this. X

I’m so sorry @MamaBear81 to hear what an awful time you have been having. Absolutely disgusting that he attacked you, let alone while holding such a young DD. I hope you get allocated really good support from the domestic abuse service. Sending hugs

They won’t reject the restraining order but I also don’t think he will go to prison. More likely get a suspended sentence on Thur but if he contacts you or does anything then straight to jail. Hopefully

whatever happens we are all here for you - hope you have some support by friends or family who live near you 🌸

Thank you all.
He does have previous, he’s been charged with assault twice before while drunk. Once he hit a ‘friend’ of his with an empty glass bottle, and once physically assaulted his own father. He just got community service and a fine for those offences.
After he was charged for his offences against me, he got himself a support worker and joined a scheme where they put him in a dry house, give him a curfew, had to attend support meetings every week while there etc.. he lasted a week there before getting thrown out. He turned up there drunk and played up, they had him arrested also.
Even during his week there he stayed away for two nights out of six.
I don’t think he actually wanted the help, I think he just did it to try and make himself look good for court, something positive for his probation worker to put in his pre-sentence report.
There were also several police call outs from me over the last three years since DD has been born, where he’s turned up at my house drunk, trying to kick the door through, shouting abuse etc and I’ve had to ring the police to remove him. So I’m hoping his previous history will be enough for me to at least be granted a restraining order.

@MamaBear81 so sorry to hear that. Agree a suspended sentence is most likely but the court will take a very dim view of the fact he put your child at risk of physical injury/emotional harm so will hopefully grant the restraining order. Just keep reporting and keeping a record of any texts, emails or phone calls. Get a ring doorbell if you don't already have one. Sorry again. For me, the threats/violence/aggression stopped when he became physically and cognitively weaker, but that's no consolation when you're in the middle of it.

@CharlotteByrde yes I’ve got a camera, the assault was actually caught on camera so he had no option other than to plead guilty really. It shows me trying to move away from him repeatedly and he just keeps coming at me, you can see how aggressive his body language is. I was on the phone to the police at the time, asking them to remove him again, then he assaulted me while I was still on the phone.
Things seem to have got so much worse since we split up. He was always verbally/emotionally abusive and threatening while we were together, but I’m shocked that it’s escalated to a physical assault long after we split up. Even though I wasn’t hurt, it scares me thinking about how much further things could escalate in the future now that he’s done it once. It’s a slippery slope.

@MamaBear81

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, all we want them to do is leave us alone and let us get on with our lives.

I'm surprised with his history he won't do time for the assault on you. He was convicted twice before, won't that count against him?

@AcrossthePond55 i honestly have no idea, I hope it’s taken into account though that there’s a clear pattern of aggressive behaviour when he’s drunk. The fact that he got arrested again at his dry house while already awaiting sentencing for his offence against me.. surely that should go against him too?
All I really know is that he’s having a pre-sentence report written up by the probation service, (I’m not sure what that entails exactly or what they include in it), and that the prosecution are putting forward a request for a restraining order on my behalf.
Thankfully I don’t have to attend court myself as he pleaded guilty. Someone from the DV service who did my risk assessment will be attending though, and I’ll find out the outcome of the hearing via phone call afterwards.

In my own news: I think he's going insane. I mean that seriously. He's still not drinking, so insanity is the only explanation I can come up with. I think the lack of 'control' he's experiencing is slowly breaking his mind. The boys have cut him off, they're beyond his control. I've been increasingly telling him 'NO' and going 'radio silence' when he's demanding I do things so he's learning that I, too, am beyond his control.

Within the past week he's demanded I do 3 particular things, one of which I cannot do even had I wanted to. The other 2 I won't do. I have flatly refused with no excuses/no explanations. So over the last 48 hours I have been continuously bombarded with texts, emails, and voicemails ranging from how much he loves me and wants me back to threats regarding 'divorce' and to some of my personal property. Zooming back and forth from one extreme to the other to the point of almost inducing whiplash.

Finally yesterday after many threats of various kinds (never physical against me, he's apparently not that insane yet), he apparently took a piece of valuable equipment of mine (it's large) and took it apart and put it all behind the gate at the end of the drive. He later texted me that it was 'gone'. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Prior to that he'd taken it 'whole' down to the street TWICE and sent me pictures of it saying he was leaving it there. BUT in actuality he'd taken it back up the drive both times (country property, a long drive) and back into the house. So at this point I guess it's 'Schroedinger's Equipment'.

It's not a piece of equipment I'll ever use again, I was actually planning on selling it if I could ever get it out of the house. It is/was big and would have been very difficult to move myself and I would have needed a van to get it out 'whole'. So if it is truly gone, if I'm 'grieving' anything it's the loss of about $1000usd. But it is what it is and since I never had 'the cash' from selling it, I won't miss it. I knew leaving it had its hazards. And at least he can't threaten/try to emotionally blackmail me with it again.

I have not blocked him because I want the pictures and message as evidence when I claim the money back from the sale of the house. And no, the police can't do anything. If it's on the property, it's still considered 'community property'.

Another reason I think he's going insane is that he knows that his household bills are being 'handled' by me. Not my money, just that I've got them on autopay on a remaining joint account and am monitoring that and adjusting as needed. I've also been paying (his money) some of his medical bills. He has also been counting on my help in complying with his DUI probation conditions. For him to risk me stopping doing all that, he must not be in his right mind. I have decided that he's on his own for the DUI stuff and any personal bills. As far as the house bills, I haven't decided about that yet. Until the house is sold (another risk he's taking as I have a court order) it is probably to my benefit to keep the house 'going'.

Sorry this is so long. But it feels good to get it all out with people who truly understand. I feel much better now. And since it's only 7.30am here, I shall see what the day brings and am able to face it with a little more peace and calm.

Oh, and something amusing. I stopped responding to anything from him yesterday morning. Last night he texted "So you won't talk to me? I am blocking you!!!!". Ok dude, sooooo you're blocking someone who doesn't want to talk to you. Alrighty then.

@AcrossthePond55 I reckon this is just him throwing massive tantrums because you're pulling back and giving him consequences. He may not be drinking, but the addict behaviour is still there - and that isn't going to change.

@AcrossthePond55Def throwing to ys out of his pram. Sorry you have lost your huge item. I’m intrigued what it is but you don’t have to say

sounds like mind games. Pathetic of him. If you don’t pay the house bills. Are your names on them ? So you could get bad credit rating ?

mama as he has previous lets hope a judge recognises this and does impose a sentence and seems he can’t control his temper or actions so be a better place for him @MamaBear81

TBH I wonder how many non-custodial sentences are to do with overcrowding. I'm not in the UK, but I know it seems to be a factor in my US state. Prisons and jails are so overcrowded that it seems they let people off with probation or grant parole people just to reduce the population.

@pointythings @Penguinsandspaniels

So, once again like a dope I fell for it. I tell you he knows exactly where to hit me to provoke a reaction. My 'thing' is still apart but in the house. In a way he's done me a favour. If he ever does end up in the ER (or jail) I should be able to move it rather easily. Idiot.

What sort of amazes me at his vindictiveness is that since our house is set back and sits higher than the road, he hauled this heavy thing 50 yards down and then back up a small hill TWICE, then the pieces down and back up once, just to take pictures with which to screw with my head. Wow.

I think it's unlikely he'd ever 'find me' here or than anyone I know is on MN, but in my increasing paranoia, I'd rather not say what it is. Probably silly, but sometimes we simply do what makes us feel safe.

As far as the bills, no my name isn't on any of them so my credit won't be affected. Especially as I now have accounts in my own name for my flat. The mortgage is joint, but I'd keep seeing that that is paid. At this point I'm putting the bills issue on the shelf as a 'tomorrow decision' . If he can try to screw me around with my possession, maybe the bills should remain in my arsenal.

You aren’t a dope bless you - sending a hug - very mn unlike I know !

they are manipulative conniving creatures that know how to hit the mark that annoys us and even with everything that has happened , we still sometimes show some empathy to them. Fuck know why !

I have visions of ex huffing and puffing this object - stupid duck head - trying to score points off you

Thanks @Penguinsandspaniels The unMNtty hug was gladly received!

I don't know why either. I think that that default reaction is so deeply ingrained that it would take a nuclear bomb to dislodge it completely! The best we can do is try to bury that reaction deep in a blast shelter and try our best to keep the doors locked.

And so, after 3 weeks of sobriety combined with the last 4 days of (sober) vitriol and verbal abuse, not to mention the 'thing', he's back on the beer. And I hope I don't sound too terrible, but I'm almost glad. 'Sober him' was getting so vicious and ugly, much more so than he ever was when he was drunk. Sober him was carrying it on for days with almost no let up, drunk him seemed to forget by the afternoon what he was mad about that morning. I am so so so glad that I listened to that 'little voice' and left.

He ended up at the ER this morning and I GOT THE 'THING'! He'd taken it apart to the point where I could get it in my car. It's going to need a repair-person to reassemble it but that can wait. For now, he can't use it to blackmail or emotionally abuse me. I don't think he's noticed it's gone yet. I'm sure not saying anything.

But for now, I'm going to watch The Testaments and eat ice cream. I hope everyone had a good day today.

@AcrossthePond55 what type of ice cream???and is it a whole tub?

You do know how to ask all the right questions!

@pointythings @wouldratgerbeunknown

Hahaha! How could I have left out such vital info!! Haagen Das dulce de leche (pint) and I also got a jar of Mrs Richardson's caramel topping. And cookies. They're all half gone lol. Looks like Mrs R isn't available in the UK, but it's the closest thing I've found to homemade caramel sauce, sweet and buttery.

His latest escapade (yesterday evening) is that he left his phone in the Uber he took to buy beer. He walked to the neighbours (a fair distance) to have her call me to tell me and ask that I 'call the driver'. Then he walked there again and 'demanded' I call the cell company and 'turn my phone off'. I feel sorry for the nice lady who let him use her phone. She's a house sitter and he got pretty 'heated' with me. I'm surprised she answered the door the second time.

I did report it missing and the driver brought it back and left it on the porch when he didn't answer the door. The problem? He has no phone for me to tell him, so there the phone sits. I guess that's one good thing about living in the country, no one driving by will see it and you don't get random people ringing your bell. At some point I'm sure he'll open the front door and see it.

We both have Mac laptops so I did email him, also used iMessage (which works on laptops too). But I think he must have me blocked as the messages apparently didn't go thru. His messages to me were so vitriolic as to be practically poetic (hyperbole).

But at least it meant I had a quiet night.

Glad you have the thing @AcrossthePond55

and you really think ex was 3w sober ?

I find it weird he keeps going to hospital when pissed

you are to nice to him over the phone stuff

Gosh what a tosser. I just don’t understand how they keep it up - the conflict, the complications the health crises, surely sometimes they wish their hobbies were tea and needlepoint?

I do. Because his recent 'beer run' proved to me that he was only 3w sober because he had no access to money or transport. Yesterday he finally got his new AT card and it was put on his Uber account 'et voilà!' off he toddled.

Yesterday's ER trip was due to aFib. He'd had it for years but had corrective surgery (IIRC) 12-15 years ago which worked. But I guess it's kicked up again as he's apparently been in aFib during his last few ER visits. I don't know if it's alcohol related or if the surgery 'wears off' at some point. And I have no idea if he's taking his meds properly, but I doubt he is.

I don't know if it's 'nice' or just that default 'do what they want' reaction. But I like to think I'm at least a minimally decent person. I'd hope if the situation was reversed he'd be minimally decent to me. And I guess I'm erring on the side of some of the things he does (losing things, forgetfulness) being the mental decline due to his drinking rather than just drunkenness. His vicious behaviour, I don't care what's causing that I won't accept it.

I'd rather he was a golf or biking addict, and we all know how MN hates those as a hobby!! I have a feeling some of them would put 'drug/alcohol abuse as a hobby' in 3rd place behind those two lol.

I wonder too how they keep it up. But I guess when you refuse to accept responsibility for your addiction or you think (like DH) that the people around you are responsible for 'keeping you sober' rather than yourself, then I guess that results in a bottomless pit of self-pity and anger. Plus when a controlling person loses that last bit of control over the people in their orbit, I think they lose the plot.

I think DH is slowly realizing that when he says 'jump' I no longer say 'how high and how far' and he simply can't cope with it.

DH had a medical appointment. I adked if he'd discussed alcohol. The consultant apparently said to him 'you could do with cutting down a bit' but wasn't worried.

I asked how much the consultant thinks he drinks -
Him: oh er er about 70 units a week
Me: So about half of what you actually drink?
Him: Yes

He doesn't seem to think this is any big deal. My concerns are that if he goes on weightloss jabs (part of what the consultant wants him to do) he will suddenly stop drinking and die. Or something. And I doubt very much he told him 70 units. Probably more like 30.

Sadly you can't make him stop lying. On the one occasion I was present when mine was asked about his alcohol intake (following what with hindsight was a cardiac event but difficult to diagnose), he said he had 'a couple of drinks after work'. So I came out with it and said it was at least 90 units a week (that was what I thought at the time, turns out it was more like 120 - 140).

It made no difference. He wasn't even angry I'd spoken up.