Setting up a singles lounge for those of us adopting on our own - come join me!

[FoldedAndUnfoldedAndUnfolding]

I'm a single (wannabe) adopter, with a 5yo birth child, currently wading through the marshes of Stage 1. Are there any other singletons going through the approval process at the moment who would be interested in going through the process together? I'm utterly terrified and ridiculously excited at the same time, but there's no one going through this process with me so I need somewhere to vent or I'll burst! Am I the only one?

Argh! I'm having a massive wobble this morning! As part of my training course they showed us a number of profiles of children they are family finding for at the moment. There was one child in particular that really called to me, and for moment I had a brief flash of what life might be like as a Mum to two LOs! Then the couple next to me picked up the profile, and they also started talking about being interested in her. I had this immediate feeling of "well of course, any SW would choose them over me".

I'm just filled with doubts now about why anyone would ever choose me, on my own, over all the many couples out there?! There's nothing special about me, all those couples would also be amazing parents. I'm just convinced I'm going to sit on the shelf forever!!

If there are any experienced single adopters reading this who wouldn't mind telling me a bit about why they were chosen it would mean the world to me!! Having a serious wobble.

On a happier note, I hope All's week is going well?! I'm still super excited for you!! (Please ignore my negativity, it's just me having a moment!!) I hope the SW visit goes / went well!! 🤞

Folded - very very far from experienced bug I am a single adopter who miraculously had a child placed less than a year after starting the process so I will pm you!

folded I think it's perfectly normal to have the wobbles, particularly when it's around matching and whether we think we'll be 'chosen' or 'good enough' which is such an emotional and emotive experience.

I adopted through an LA and I don't know if this made the matching process easier / quicker or whatever but from what I remember it did mean then when I got to the family finding stage I was the only person being considered. I do remember however asking the question of my SW once I'd seen my daughter's profile because I remember being completely anxious about the possibility she'd be matched with a couple, because, like you I felt a bit like why would they choose a single parent when they could choose a couple.

I think the answer lies in the fact that it's ultimately about what is the best match for the child. In my case there were particular benefits, specific to my life circumstances and previous experience, for the match with my daughter to be the 'best fit'. I do know that prior to being matched with me there had been two other couples interested but that neither had worked out. I think you just have to trust that your SW will know you and your BC and your particular situation and what you can offer well enough by matching stage. Easier said than done I know.

Fwiw even though my SW and my daughter's SW and the family finding SW all agreed that I was the best match my daughter's FC was quite vocal that she felt it a terrible shame that my daughter was being adopted by a single parent. That made intros 'fun'. I gritted my teeth, channelled the Penguins from Madagascar and just 'smiled and waved' whenever the FC felt the need to mention (and actually, other than that one particular issue the FC was lovely and had been a great FC for my LO)

Thank you for such a thoughtful response Poppy! That's really good to hear. I'm also with a LA, although all children in their care are currently linked. I'm okay with that though - I haven't even been to panel yet! It's good to know that once I am approved hopefully my LA will consider me (and their other adopters of course) before looking elsewhere for future children. I might ask if they have any other approved adopters of the same ethnic background as myself, I think that might make a difference vs all the approved couples!

Exercise thank you so much for your kind PM. I'm amazed you even found time to read/reply when you're still in such early days! Your support is much appreciated.

How are things going for you now? More highs than lows I hope? My first month with my BC was such a rollacoaster, and everything must be even more intense with a grieving LO. I'm so happy for you both though!

Omg@Folded I'm feeling exactly the same as you. I had my meeting today and I'm up against another couple and feel like it's over and done with already. I was also asked to think about male role models if I was going for a boy as I'm a single parent..

The matching process is harder and its making me question my confidence!

Folded - no problem, glad it was helpful, my little one naps for two hours every day, usually 12:30-2:30, I use the time to do a bit of housework and then some days like today I curl up in bed with a hot water bottle and hot choc and catch up on mumsnet and social media!!

Thanks guys!! You've cheered me up!

Exercise Mumsnet sounds like a far better use of naptime than housework!

All I hope the meeting went better than you think. My fingers are still crossed for you!

Hi Everyone.

So after the awful week that I had, with me thinking that no SW would think that I would be good as a single parent, I found out today that I have been matched with a little boy 😁.

Meetings start in January and matching panel is booked in for February. I know that I have a long journey ahead but, hopefully he will be home by the end of Feb!

Eeeeeek!! Congrats allgrownup!

How old is he? Fantastic news!

Thank you @exercise. He's 11 months

Congratulations! allgrownup

All that's AMAZING news!!! Congratulations!!! I could not be happier for you!!

Eeeeeeeekkkk! That news is just the best Christmas present ever!! Well done!

Thank you @PoppyStellar.

@Folded thank you. Hopefully this will also give you a confidence boost.

I started to let myself get a little excited now and I may even go shopping to get some bits 😁.

Just got a yes at matching panel!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Adventure!! So exciting!! It feels like a lifetime ago that you mentioned a potential Jan panel, and now here you are a fully approved match!!

Can you share any details? Age, etc. No worries if not. Are you all prepped with stuff (the endless oceans of "stuff" that kids just seem to accumulate?!) Hopefully the sales have treated you well?!

When do intros start?! Are you off to celebrate tonight?! Good luck with this huge next step!!

A quick NY update from me. My poor SW (who I'm getting on with far better now!) has been unwell. Unfortunately this means she's missed the deadline for submitting my PAR to the approval panel (argh!) but she's been given an extension to next Monday - so I'm pretty stressed over whether that will be completed in time. The first draft isn't even complete yet and I haven't seen a single line 😥

I've also gotten WAY too obsessed with matching WAY too early! I'm particularly interested in one profile, which I'm unlikely to be chosen for, but I know will haunt me long after my future AC comes home. I'm also chafing at the bit to submit interest in another profile, which I can't do until I'm approved, so every morning I check linkmaker in case the profile has been removed! (I do realise how ridiculous this sounds!)

Essentially I am well aware that I need to chill out - this is very long road and technically the starting whistle hasn't even blown yet! My mind just keeps whooshing past the "small" matter of approval panel - part of me is wondering if I'm setting myself up for a nasty shock in 2 weeks when I'm rejected due to lack of prep!!

Can I just ask, is it likely that there are more profiles on linkmaker that I can't currently see but will become visible once I'm listed as approved? I'm slightly surprised by how few non-white heritage children are listed, given the constant reports of insufficient minority adopters. Perhaps some of them are just hidden until I click the "approved" button?

She is 5 and I may have popped into the shop on the way home and bought a My Little Pony book. She has lots of toys so waiting until intros when I can have a look to see what else to buy. Intros start in 2 weeks!!!!

How experienced is your SW? And how much is left to do on your PAR? I'm sure she will be under pressure to not miss her extension so should be doing whatever she needs to do to get it in.

My match wasn't through linkmaker so haven't used it much and not sure if you will see more profiles. But my match was found before I was officially approved and through a sharing of 'hard to place' profiles. Have you had any profiles sent to you that way? I'm with a voluntary agency rather than a LA but got the impression that they all link together.

Only 2 weeks!! So exciting!! You'll have so much fun letting her choose some new stuff once she's home 😊

Apparently all of my LA's children (and their partner authorities - they operate as a small region) have already been matched! They apparently have no children at all currently awaiting matching. It seems crazy to me.

My SW is very experienced, so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed the PAR is completed on time, and well written!! I might be up pretty late rewriting it tomorrow though...

p.s. I just went over my linkmaker profile and filled it out a bit more (my first attempt at completing my profile was pretty rushed) and suddenly another 50 kids popped up on my list! Crazy! I need to be more careful with this in future clearly.

Folded - my little one and I were matched via link maker but her profile wasn't public, I also got expressions of interest emails for children who when I declined to start a conversation I couldn't even find again on there so there are "hidden" profiles, as you know my little one is mixed heritage but not the mix people generally think of.

Congratulations @Adventure I'm so excited for you. Good luck for intros.

@Folded there are loads of children hidden where the SWs only express children to the 1: propose I've adopted 2: approved doctors. Younger children are highly sort after so they can become very picky.

Soon we will all be asking @exercise for advice. Because you will be a pro!

@Folded
That should read 1: prospective adopters 2: approved adopters!

Once you update to approved you will be hit with more interested.

Allgrownup - I am most def not a pro .....little one is teething and sleep appears to be something I used to get.....about 8 week ago!! The bags under my eyes need their own postcode and woe betide anyone who says the wrong thing....this tired mama is one emotional wreck!

Please may I join?

I am 48 and thinking of doing it alone.

I have to admit, even though I ALWAYS wanted to be a mum, I really am 50/50 about this now. I sway massively between definitely doing it and definitely now. I have had initial meeting with SW and am actually on the initial 3 day prep course next week.

My doubts over it are:

• Have I left it too late now? I mean for me personally. Do I really want to be starting this now, I will be 49 by the time I am allocated a 4/5 year old. even though I find my life incredibly lonely have I got used to it now, coming and going as I please etc

• Work would be difficult for me to sort. I have a very good job that gives me financial security but sorting out me going off for a while/then doing reduced hours would be difficult to manage at work

• Is adoption in general really for me? Obviously most children up for adoption have some additional needs of some sort. am I in a position to deal with that?

Then I think what if you didn't do it and then REALLY regret that 10 years down the line.

I am so confused. did anyone else feel as confused as me??

Thanks xx