Setting up a singles lounge for those of us adopting on our own - come join me!

[FoldedAndUnfoldedAndUnfolding]

I'm a single (wannabe) adopter, with a 5yo birth child, currently wading through the marshes of Stage 1. Are there any other singletons going through the approval process at the moment who would be interested in going through the process together? I'm utterly terrified and ridiculously excited at the same time, but there's no one going through this process with me so I need somewhere to vent or I'll burst! Am I the only one?

Can I ask is there a maximum age for a single adopter? I'm 42, single and having been thinking about this for a while. Your stories are all great

Hi aminuts, nope no upper limit I don't think, there was a couple on my training course who were late 40s and I think the wife was 50. Some younger children's profiles do state things such as "upper age limit 45" due to the child's needs etc, I'm 35 and matched with a 13 month old, I was grilled on my "energy levels" my SW was very clear to the placing authority that I am totally fine and have tons of energy!
If you want to do it, go for it!

It's the best decision I've ever made, it's made me sort my finances and be better aware and organised, it's made me do a LOT to my home, and although it's questionable at times it's made me very comfortable and happy with my life - being single and childless when all my friends are married with children has been hard but taking The decision to do this alone has made me happy and hopeful for a wonderful future. (It's going to be hard don't get me wrong) but it'll be amazing too.

Thank you for your advice. I'll look into it x

Hi Aim! My understanding is the same as Exercise. I don’t think my LA has an age limit, I think it’s more to do with demonstrating sufficient health and fitness to keep up with a mini person. You should check out First4Adoption online though, they have lots of information about typical prospective adopter criteria which applies to most LAs / agencies.

Exercise, I can HEAR how happy and excited you still are through the screen! Sounds like the view from cloud 9 is pretty good?! I’m so very happy for you!! Who have you told so far?

I had my first Stage 2 appt this week, which went much deeper than previous discussions. I’m generally quite an open person though, so it went fine. We agreed a target date for panel - that certainly made things suddenly feel more real!! I also had my first cornerstone mentoring appt, and the person I spoke to could not have been more lovely! I learnt so much from her just in our initial conversation and already I’ve taken away so much to think about.

I’m finally starting to feel a bit more hopeful that this really could turn out to be a wonderful decision!

Hi, folded I've told family and close friends and some other adopters I did training with.

Stage 2 appointments are strange, mine went pretty oh, I do recall one session that I got really upset and my SW asked if I wanted to take a break, I insisted we continue. i found myself worrying about what I'd said and if it would be taken the wrong way, I was pretty pleased with my pAR though so it must have been ok!

Do talk to friends if you have a tough session - none of our lives are perfect and there will be things you have to talk about that you'd prefer not to, do you get on with other adopters from training- these are a very valuable support so so utilise them! Feel free to also pm me

Thanks Exercise! I may take you up on that! I can already see this adoption process is going to be a real rollacoaster of highs and lows.

Hi All

I seem to find that friends and family don't really know what you're going through. Everyone, including your referees, ask you for loads of updates at the beginning and then stop. I think I'm actually boring people 😁

Even though I'm only half way thorough. My life is already on hold. You can't plan anything to far in advance! Which along with the wait it is very hard

Hi All! I definitely share your pain when it comes to life being on hold! I've just taken on a new project at work but I don't know if I'll still be around through to the end. My family want to book a long haul holiday next Christmas but I might have a recently adopted child who is not-yet-ready for a holiday at that point! So everything just feels in limbo.

I imagine this feeling won't even go away after we bring our LOs home! It will take time to get to know them and fully understand their needs - I think it's going to be a long old time before we can plan ahead like we used to!

Hi @Folded at least you have a panel date. That's one milestone to look forward to.

Are you able to family find yourself before your panel date? Some peoples SWs tell them to join Linkmaker before to start family finding.

How is everyone getting on? I’m one week into Stage 2 and really struggling. My SW keeps asking me to go “deeper” but if I’m honest it feels like what she really means is “go negative”. My childhood wasn’t perfect, in the sense of TV adverts with white picket fences, but realistically looking back on it as an adult and a parent, I think my parents did a really good job.

Did they make mistakes? Yes, and I’ve acknowledged those. I don’t have any deep-seated hidden resentment of them though, and the parenting decisions I’ve made that differ from theirs are entirely in line with our different personalities and generational expectations. It’s true I say “I love you” out loud to my daughter multiple times a day. It’s also true that my parents rarely said “I love you” out loud. However I was always certain of their love, and my choice to behave differently with my own DD is not some kind of unconscious indictment of their choices. Argh!!!

She keeps saying I just need to be open and honest, but then it feels like she doesn’t believe me when I am. I am a very open person who has been through therapy in the past. I’m not pretending my childhood was fine, it actually was fine!

Sorry, I just needed to vent. It’s painful having someone who doesn’t “get” you having so much control over such an important life step. I don’t mean to imply my SW is unkind, or incompetent, in fact I think she’s very well-meaning and experienced. We’re just chalk and cheese, except she thinks I’m faking the chalk to hide my cheesy centre! 😂🙄🍷

Hi @Folded

Vent away

Maybe just give your SW feedback on how you felt after your last session.

It's hard tuning into your SW and trying to read what they want from you. It gets easier as you go through the stage.

I have just asked my to be open and frank with me and tell me what else she needs from me.

Just remember We're all here to support you.

I found stage 2 tough too - being a private person found it a bit hard having to tell everything to someone I don't know. Also I was very aware of how important my social worker was. Still it got easier and I think we both got more comfortable with each other.

Also I had a very happy childhood and parents I adore and have always had a good relationship with. I think it all seemed a bit too perfect - but I was pretty consistent and honest about things I may do different, my sw met my parents as part of the assessment and my referees talked about my family too which was all consistent with what I'd been saying. As you go through the process a good social worker should be able to tell that you are being honest and open.

Good luck with the rest of the process :-)

Thanks All and Sunny! I appreciate your support. It’s early days and I just need to buck up really! If I just keep repeating my answers she’ll have to accept them eventually. I should just stop tying myself up in knots trying to find fresh ways to say the same thing.

Roll on panel!

Folded - do you have a sibling? I found talking to my sister before each session quite useful as it reminded me of things from my childhood that I may have forgotten! My childhood was pretty "normal" nothing major, the usual stuff really but talking to my sister reminded me or made me see some things differently.

It will get easier, I went into it knowing that my first form of nervousness is defensiveness so tried hard not to be defensive about things and just remain factual. My SW and I got on well and is a similar age to me so she related to things and was able to make me feel reassured. I can imagine it would have been harder if we didn't get on ok.

Hi Exercise, thanks for the advice. I went through all the questions in advance with my DM (they’re in my workbook). Unfortunately the SW’s complaint is that I’m too factual.

She wants me to “get the gist” of what she’s looking for instead of directly answering all her questions one-by-one. The problem is she is the polar opposite of me personality-wise, we don’t “get” each other at all. So for me the only common theme to her questions is that they are being repeated (verbatim I might add - she’s not rephrasing things to approach from a new angle).

When I ask for examples of the types of thing she’s looking for her answers sound (to me) exactly the same level of detail as I’ve already given, but just negative. She wants to talk about resentment in my teenage years, or feeling unloved when younger, or being angry at my sister for getting 12 A*’s at GCSE when I “only” got 10. None of these feelings represent my actual experience though! I was a boring bookworm teenager, not a seething mass of resentment. My parents didn’t say “I love you” out loud often, but I was certain of their love at all times. I was proud of my sister, not angry!

I’m going to try just repeating the truth, also verbatim, until she gets bored and moves on. I’m good at boring people

Hi, you may have seen my current thread. Basically I was approved to adopt as a couple, linked with a LO, but my DH has left weeks before matching panel.

I now have to consider if I can/want to be assessed as a single adopter.

I have no doubt in my ability to do this. My concern is that I currently work shifts and think this might be my stumbling block. I know it'd be easy to get another job however realistically my wage at the moment is enough to cover all living costs with a comfortable amount left over. To change to a mon-Fri 9-5 job would mean a drastic drop in income.

Do any other single adopters work shifts and if so was this an issue?

Hi @Folded
How often are you having your sessions? It's early days with your SW. When I first met mine I thought wow she didn't like me. But, in time we found something is common and got on well.

Maybe as an example try saying my sister got 12
GCSEs, I got 10. I'm was so proud of her... she the bright one in the family lol.

Maybe she thinks your guard is up. It will take time for you to relax with her. Sometimes a negative to you is not a negative to them. They are just trying to see how you can cope with something not been perfect. Did you nd your sister fight when you were younger etc.

You said your parents didn't say they loved you out loud but you do to your daughter. Just think why you say that. Is it reassurance or because you love her to bits and you just can't any to eat her lol
Hopefully your next session is easier. Speak to her don't bottle things up. x

Hi @Chocco I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband. I don't work shifts I work 9-5. I would find it hard having to constantly reply on your network.
I think you need to consider
1: if your match was approved, could you cope on one salary.
2: what would happen if you couldn't return back to work?
3:How would you manage childcare.
This is all the things that a single adopter has to consider through their process.

I'm just started to look at and think about the children.

I have just signed up to linkmaker and theres so many children it makes my heart melt.
How do you choose? It's hard when you're a single adopter as you have no one to discuss it with. From that small piece of information, a picture or not a picture, how do you know if you want to do an expression of interest.

My head just hurts thinking about it.

All I’m not at that stage yet so I’m afraid I have no advice to give. I just wanted to say I totally get what you mean! You’re always welcome to bounce thoughts around on here of course! Or feel free to PM me if you don’t want to make details public. I know it’s not the same though.

Not having anyone to bounce all of this life-changing stuff off of is so stressful. I do talk to my DM a lot, and a couple of good friends, but no one is IN IT with me. Is that the same for you? Have you discussed the profiles with anyone close to you IRL?

Mostly my conversations are me explaining my viewpoint, my Mum or friend listening and maybe gently suggesting a couple of concerns to factor in, then they support my decision (which is wonderful of them of course), but no one pushes back on me, sticks to their guns on an alternate viewpoint, or is fully invested in it. Ultimately it’s all up to me.

Of course you can say that about almost any aspect of single motherhood! It’s a rewarding road, but lonely (even with good friends).

@Folded thank you. Yes that's exactly what I'm doing but I think people don't think it would happen so quickly so it just seems like I'm just talking talking talking and boring people to sleep.

Had my adoption panel today and got a yes:-). With the official decision coming out next week.

All have you set your social worker up as your point of contact on Linkmaker? Was strongly recommended to me to do it as it can be a bit overwhelming and they know what to ask. You need to look at your messages as this is where the expressions go.

aminuts I'm 41 and pretty sure that a few in my training group were a similar age or older.

Congratulations adventure! Well done!

Congratulations Adventure! Well done! Now the excitement really begins...!

Congratulations @Adventure. Happy family finding.

Yes my Social worker gets all my messages. But, I can't responses if I want too. I can also express interest myself.