How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

You've said that she wanted to come over every year for Christmas and thought she should be invited like your Mum was?

It sounds like she is going to need a firm and clear message or she might push to come regardless. E.g.

Hi '...'
Hope you are well. I just wanted to clarify after speaking to 'X' that we will not be hosting Christmas going forward. We will be making alternative plans and wanted to ensure there were no crossed-wires so you knew to make different plans for the festive period going forward.

Or something that really is clear and unambiguous so it can't be skirted around if she has tried it in the past.

Was she a long term partner of your dad? Did they live together? Was their relationship good? Was she good to your dad? What would he want for her now?
it's good he's left most of his money to you and your siblings but I do wonder why he appears to have left her very little. Maybe they didn't have a great relationship.
I think the answers to these questions would determine how I moved forward with this.

@OnlyPocketChange - this suggestion is the one I would use. It's kind and sympathetic to her, but still being very clear she won't be getting an invitation to join you for Christmas. I would possibly just change the 'different this year' to 'different this year and in the future'

Sorry for the loss of your Dad

She was just a girlfriend, didn't live together and isn't a nice person, OP has said.

It's really hard OP. I don't like my dad's partner either. Like you, I am polite and friendly to her but I find it so difficult and stressful. You are definitely doing the right thing. I hope you enjoy your stress-free Christmas. X

Hello Deirdre, now that we are almost into October I wanted to mention Christmas as Auntie Barbara mentioned you were planning on visiting us. Since Dad is no longer with us we will be spending the holidays with my mum. Just wanted to let you know so you can make plans with family and friends. Shazza

Just tell her that as this is the first Christmas without your dad you will not be extending any invites this year. Keep it polite and don’t be unkind.

What happens to an estate depends on the will. That would have been up to the DF. OR if he had no will, then his family would come first.

In our family a great uncle left 30% each to his sister and two nieces. 10% went to his dear friend/partner who did not live with him but had been supportive during his long illness. I was one of the nieces and felt that she should have had more. It was his will.

OP said she doesn’t have lots of people in her life

OP appears to very much be trying to be kind to someone she's made clear was an unpleasant addition in her families lives.

We don't need to try and "reframe" anything for her. We don't know her, or the wife, or what has happened - but OP is within her rights to spend her first christmas without her Father alive, however she wishes. She's giving the wife plenty of time to consider other options.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to message her and say that since your dad's passing, you will be spending Christmas with your mum from now on and you wanted to let her know in plenty of time that you won't be hosting her again so she can make other arrangements.

Hi, could you perhaps point me to where you have found the outcome of this consultation or where its been announced what's changing and where? Because all I can find is that the consultation took place, I cant find anything saying they've agreed there will be a change and its happening next year?

They didn't live together. I think we can safely rule out a law change to retrospectively allow a non cohabiting partner to make a claim on an estate.

If you really can't tolerate her, then as mentioned by others, you need to let her know ASAP of changed arrangements.

On a different note, was your Dad and partner living together? Does she have a reasonable amount of money in her own name and was she contributing 50/50 or less towards bills? If the answers are yes, no, no, has estate been distributed. If it hasn't she'd have a good argument for putting a claim in against the estate as a dependent, and realising she really isn't part of the family now, might make her want to go down this route, ie she owes you nothing.

You could have given yours to her?

You can easily say that you're spending Christmas with your mum.

I wish it was not happening but I think it is
Overview
This consultation sets out the Government’s proposals to reform the law governing financial arrangements and protections when relationships end in England and Wales. It brings together three related areas: financial remedies on divorce and dissolution, financial provision for cohabitants on separation and inheritance provision for cohabitants on death.
This consultation is open to the public. We would be particularly interested to hear from academics, family law practitioners, the Family Courts’ judges and magistrates, Parliamentarians, support organisations and members of the public who have an interest in the law regarding cohabiting couples and financial provision on divorce in England and Wales.

If a woman is living in her own house with her children and he partner moves in, he would be entitled to some share of the property and assets. And vice versa

I loath my dad's wife she is a manipulative self serving person with no interest in anyone bar herself .
if my dad passes first I won't go out of my way to help her in anyway and no more Christmas dinner at my house for her .
I've put up with do much over the yrs from her to keep the peace but that will be it .

Thats about the ending of relationships, seeking to put unmarried partners on a similar footing to couples that have married and have the benefit of the matrimonial causes legislation on divorce.

It won’t have anything to do with inheritance on death.If the step parent in this case has a claim against the OP‘s father‘s estate, then it’s up to her to make it undercurrent inheritance provisions. Likewise, if the OP’s father had wanted to, he could have, or perhaps even did, make provision for her.

But that really isn’t the question here.

Just say now your dad has gone you will be inviting your mum's family only in future. I'm surprised she expected to be invited if you didn't have a good relationship with her.

You could try reading the OP’s posts. It’s been very clearly stated that they didn’t live together.

I think this is an important distinction - she was a GF. People use the term ‘partner’ very loosely, when it really should be for a person with whom you share a life, finances, assets and possibly also children. Ie. It suggests a commitment.

Someone that you date, who lives elsewhere and is not connected in any legal or financial way, is not a ‘partner’. OP’s dad didn’t recognise her as such as he left everything to his children.

@OnlyPocketChange is totally reasonable to no longer wish to include this person in her father’s absence and to communicate to her clearly that Christmas plans have evolved in her dad’s absence and, therefore, will not include this women.

You're right, there's been a consultation which has now closed and the results aren't yet published. That's as far as it's gone.

Trying it on!