How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Why don’t you like her? She sounds very lonely and like she’s really trying

I'm sorry about your Dad OP.

Surely you don't need to say anything to his partner unless she asks you directly and personally about the Christmas arrangements?

First, stop with the favours and do not reply to texts.

Do not rely on anyone else to tell this person because you can’t be sure that they will say what you want them to say.

Then text her and say that you thought you should tell her as ear as possible that from now on, you are hosting Christmas only for your mother’s side of the family.

Bite the bullet and be short, firm and clear. If she turns up on the day, talk to her in the hallway or at the front door for 2 minutes then say that sorry she’ll have to go now as you have things going on.

Her loneliness is not OPs problem

You don’t need to tell her.

she’s expecting an invite but isn’t going to get one.

just either invite those you do want or let it be known you are going to Auntie Helen’s/whatever

Just tell her no sorry but you are making alternative arrangements, perhaps your aunt could meet up with her for a drink in the morning, does she have her own family and friends, do any of your own family like her or is it just you.

Trying what?!

If she mentions it, just say things are different now that your dad isn’t here and you’ll be doing something else, like seeing your mum and siblings every year, having time to yourself, going away or whatever your plans are, You don’t have to explain too much.

Blimey. I imagine your Dad would be so proud…

How did you get that from the OP? She has only contacted OP to ask for favours and money!

Tell her now. 'We're making plans for Christmas and it feels too sad to celebrate with just you now that dad isn't with us, so we'll be doing something quite different this year. I hope you understand and can find a way of spending the day that helps you deal with your loss. It's so hard for all of us. X '

What would your Dad have wished for her?

Tricky one. Does the rest of the family not like her either, or is it just you?

You need to give her advance warning, because it's Dickensian level cruel to turn her away at the door on Christmas morning. Maybe something like:

"[hope you're well etc] The family and I have decided we'll be having a quiet Christmas this year, just the nine [or whatever] of us. I wanted to let you know in advance so you have time to make other plans. Best wishes for the season, etc"

Sounds pretty awful but really there's no good way to phrase it!

I’d tell her that since your dad has passed away you are changing your Christmas hosting routine, and are making different plans. Things aren’t quite firmed up yet but you are letting her know early so she can organise her own celebrations.

Exactly. She certainly sounds trying…

This is exactly the sort of thing I was thinking of. It is sad but at the end of the day you did it for your dad before and it is probably better breaking the routine right at the start.

This is a good approach, I’d go with this one. Get it done today and just don’t answer any messages about favours or money.

Prioritise your own mother

Has she been left destitute? Was some of what you inherited actually hers? Seems odd that it all went to you.

Yes how nasty.
Perhaps the wife is better off not spending time with them. Go and spend it with some nice people.

I think before anyone can suggest any wording, you have to say a bit more about the relationship, if any, that you had. Was his partner horrible to you, or did you just take a dislike for no real reason? Is it just you, or the wider family that dislikes her? I'm assuming you put on a front when you saw her when your dad was alive?

Whatever the reason though, she was your dad's partner, she wasn't his wife or your mother and you owe her nothing going forward. In the immediate term, I'd cut back on any favours and refuse to give money.

This is what I was thinking

That's an assumption. Quite possible that it was the dad's house that she moved into and he wanted it to go to his children. It's not the family's fault she made herself dependent on their father.

When you have an established routine like you describe, of alternating years, then I wouldn’t not say anything. She might make a natural assumption that the usual Christmas plans will happen, your aunt has already told you this, and it feels unnecessarily cruel to leave things hanging until she asks herself, probably too late to make other plans.
Just get in touch, keep it plain and honest. Now that your dad has died you will be changing how you spend Christmas and making other plans. Wish her well - you might not like her but your dad obviously did. You can wish her well without inviting further contact.

I wouldn’t wait for her to bring it up, that will be worse. As said upthread, send her a clear and polite message, no ambiguity and no reasons. You will feel better for it. Don’t consult anyone else, just send it

I think this sounds incredibly painful, but also, you can't help who you do and don't like. My parents remarried and I did not like their new partners, so I can imagine what it's like for you. I also feel sorry for your father's wife who understandbly has been a part of your family for some time. I would do what a pp suggested and just get the message out now. I wouldn't make a point of excluding her by saying "we're hosting, but not for you". I would just say you're going to be doing different things from now on, or spending christmases with Mum, perhaps impying that you aren't hosting, so as not to make her feel excluded further.