How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

I’ve no idea if it was you who mentioned suicide. Mentioning it on my thread links it to my situation though and I do find it manipulative. If you didn’t mean it towards me, then please make your own thread about responsibility for mental health and suicide. The context is that she unpleasant, so if she lonely, it’s because no one likes her, for good reason. She can think about why if she spends Christmas alone.

I was replying to a person on this thread, their harsh opinion caught my attention. No manipulation in my comment. The words suicide and mental health weren’t about your situation but I’m free to express my opinions. If you’d read the comments you’ve decided to bring up you would see the context, no need to, I just think it would make sense if you’re going to bring it up to know what it is that you’re talking about.

Oh look, I was right, and the GF thought that she and OP’s dad should have been invited alongside OP’s mum every year.

I guess it wasn’t so hard (for me) after all.

@OnlyPocketChange i am sorry that this woman caused such strife in your family and I hope that you all have a healing Christmas x

I saw what you replied to. Despite me already having said I didn’t like her, she wasn’t kind, any loneliness was down to her personality, she behaved badly and multiple people had cut her out due to it, you decided to say that ‘generally’ we’re all responsible for each others mental health, and talked about preventing suicide. ‘Generally’ wasn’t relevant, because this is a particular situation where this woman is horrible, so we are not talking ‘generally’. If you want to talk generally about mental health responsibility, then make your own thread, because saying that on my thread, where I absolutely refuse to be responsible for the mental health and possible suicide of a person who had been horrible to my family, is irrelevant and it is manipulation. It won’t work and I’ll ignore any further posts from you.

And if OP were a man no way would he be expected to host his deceased dad's on/off girlfriend for Christmas.

Honestly Op, she's upset you all several times, she isn't related; I wouldn't even consider it.

Had she been exceptionally supportive and kind, or if she were a proper relative I'd maybe think differently. But there are dozens of randos out there you could be asking and are not.

I don’t require replies from you. I’m not
trying I make anything “work”.

When I first commented you had revealed very little about the woman. You said you didn’t like her, you didn’t want her to come for Christmas and it sounds like she possibly isn’t financially stable. My first thought from your post was to feel a little bad for her. Then someone had commented that her loneliness wasn’t your responsibility which is true but it felt so harsh, hence my general comment about mental health. It wasn’t directly about your situation but that was my thought process.

You opened up a public conversation and that can lead to wider conversations and tangents that are vaguely connected to the original post. What’s ridiculous here is you’re free to never speak to her again and I don’t have any judgement on that.

To be fair I'd rather invite a complete stranger than a parasite always trying to get money from me
My point was actually about all of these posters on MN who guilt trip OPs by telling them they are horrible selfish people and they would always help - not only have her for Xmas but let her move in, give her all of the inheritance blah blah blah - of course they wouldn't, if they did they'd be idiots - but there is one on every post talking BS about how they are a fat better person than everyone else!

Some people read into everything too much. I told someone their view was harsh. Someone else said the same thing. I then replied to a couple of comments when what I said was misconstrued. I think it’s normal to not want to invite someone who is unpleasant for Christmas, however, there was hardly any information in the post. I didn’t actually comment on it initially but some people run wild over nothing.

For goodness sake, this woman is only 51 surely she will find another boyfriend in time and why on earth would she cling onto her boyfriend's family when sadly he is no longer around.

If she is going to be on her own, she could meet up with friends, or neighbours if she has no friends or
she could even volunteer !

or be at home on Xmas day and just think of it as being a normal day at home.

And so one day other people should have a miserable Christmas so OP can be as nasty as she wishes to them and still have company at Christmas?

These "that might be you one day" posts about horrid relatives (not even that in this case) always sound so fucked up to me. If I'm horrid to people, they should leave me by myself at Christmas!

To be honest, I think the recently bereaved lady will be better off without OP at Christmas than with her/their family

Op is a bereaved lady

I didn't read into anything, I simply responded to your comment to me
It sounds like you're backtracking

This is a really good reply. No room for confusion, polite and firm.

It sounds like you’ve struggled to comprehend.

Not at all - I understood the OP which you have already stated you didn't
Dad's girlfriend is a horrible person who is constantly demanding money and you thought the OP should ruin her family christmas by having her there - I didn't

She has been made to look idiotic and is now trying to backtrack - ignore her - you are absolutely right to cut this woman out of your life - she just wants money

JFC just stop with this emotional claptrap. This woman's behaviour when their dad was alive has severely affected OP's sister's mental health and nobody in OP's family likes her.

She is an on-again off-again girlfriend of eight years who has upset every member of OP's family yet was still invited every other year to please OP's dad. Now that OP's dad has died, she has no obligation to continue to host this horrible woman.

OP is the bereaved lady in this scenario, not this unpleasant freeloader.

If she was the OW, explain clearly, you will be hosting your mum. End of story.

OP has already clarified with the GF that the GF is not invited for Xmas.

But we're not comparing the two scenarios in isolation, are they? For OP to prevent situation A for this woman, she has to actively put herself in situation B. She's not sucking up a minor inconvenience to make a dear old relative happy. You're suggesting she should deliberate make her own Christmas miserable to prevent that for someone she doesn't even like.

So the dad's girlfriend will be alone at Christmas. Why are none of her family members stepping in? None of her friends? Could it be that she doesn't have any - and there's a good reason why?

Exactly. The "that might be you one day" crowd never seen to see the correlation between these people being horrible and them being alone. A worrying number of people seem to think it's all decided on some cosmic karmic points system, where OP will somehow get rewarded further down the line for being nice to this woman.

She won't. No one is out there waiting to "pay it forward" because OP invited a woman she dislikes for Christmas. Wouldn't it be better for OP to nurture the positive relationships in her life instead? Maybe she can spend more time with her siblings at Christmas if the issue of her dad's girlfriend is removed? I'd say that's far more likely to ensure OP isn't left alone at Christmas in years to come, rather than some vague "What goes around comes around" theory.

Yeah, the difference is you might like her. OP doesn't