How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

I want to say something now so that she knows in plenty of time. If I presume she thinks she’s not coming if we don’t invite her and then very close to the time she makes it clear that she thinks she’s welcome, it will be worse.

Neither of you (or me) has any idea about the back story here, how the parental divorce happened, whether partner was the OW, whether she is nice or nasty!
All we know is that OP doesn't like her. And doesn't want to host her for Christmas. And that is her right. She is allowed to say No!
So don't guilt-trip her. She is mourning the loss of someone too, her Dad.

You call asking for money and favours 'really trying'? There's two meanings of the phrase 'really trying'...

My aunt doesn’t like her. We all put up with her for my dad’s sake. I don’t think she has many people in her life.

This

Hands up… I missed what she was contacting the OP for!

Just say you've been speaking with aunt about Christmas and tell her you'll be making different plans now and hope she understands.

OP, Why not message her and say, 'Now that dad is no longer here, we will be having Christmas with my mum every year. I wanted to let you know in good time, so you can make other arrangements from now on.'

Obviously it is going to upset her and is a tough line to draw, but ity sounds like you have history that led you to tolerate her not truly welcome her, and now you no longer have to.

I agree with previous posters that you need to tell her now that you will not be hosting her at Christmas. This gives her plenty of time to make other arrangements. Where did she spend Christmas on the years they weren't at your house, perhaps she could go there? Alternatively. as your aunt isn't on the list of people you host, perhaps she could go to your aunt, who seems sympathetic?

Why is she so broadly disliked? I feel a bit sorry for her... but I don't know what she's done.

If she's only been in touch for money and favours I'm not sure how she's really trying? Editing to add: opps sorry, I see that's been said and acknowledged!

@OnlyPocketChange just reply to her most recent message and say that you hope she has lovely Christmas plans and you're planning to be away this year, doing something different will be good for everyone rather than the same gathering and the absence of your dad feeling so obvious and sad. Sorry for your loss.

I'd just message her, Hi x, just wanted to advise in plenty of time so you can make alternative plans that as my dad is no longer with us we will be hosting my mum at Xmas each year now going forward.

This isn’t just about Xmas, is it? It’s about how to get distance and boundaries with a lady you’d probably rather not see again.
Agree to just be clear that you’re not hosting Xmas this year, but I think the bigger point is how to stop the ongoing handouts and reframe the relationship with boundaries that suit you.

I would just say something along the lines of, 'since dad's passing we have changed our previous christmas rotation and will be spending it with other family. I wanted to give you plenty of notice so you can make arrangements with your friends or family'.

And try and cut contact. Obviously hard when you are all grieving, but you don't need to keep a relationship with her, particularly acting entitled and asking for money!

I'd text something along these lines

Hi, wondering how you are getting along, it's hard isn't it without dad. I was just wanting to let you know we have decided as there is such a big gap without dad this Christmas we are going to do something different, possibly go away or change things round, undecided yet. I thought I would let you know and then you have plenty of time to make your own plans for Christmas with friends and family.

Partner, not wife. I doubt she is entitled to anything and I also presume the will was found to do probate.

How did you come to that conclusion? She gets in touch to ask for favours and money!!

Which equates to bugger off we don't want want to see you anymore.

There is absolutely no need to say anything unless your asked.

This is awful and I wouldn’t suggest saying this to her!

Not sure why people think you should like the woman, she was the late fathers girlfriend and is scrounging money off unrelated, grieving people.

Text her any of the suggestions and add on that she is not to contact you again.

That’s perfect, thank you.

Thank you for everyone’s ideas. Although I don’t like her, she may still be grieving so I didn’t want to sound too harsh.

I would do this.

This is good wording, no need to pretend her presence will somehow make your dad's absence sadder

Send her a message and let her know that you have heard that she is expecting the alternating Christmases to continue, but you and DH have decided to spend Christmas with just DH’s family from this year and you hope she finds something lovely to do.

I couldn't leave someone alone at Christmas when they are grieving. For me Christmas is the one time of year when you actually do have to put up with family you don't like very much, it's not right to leave people lonely.