How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

I would just say

'Hi X, just heard from Auntie Y that you were thinking of coming to us for Christmas this year. Unfortunately this won't be possible. Now that Dad has passed, we will be spending Christmas with mum going forward. I wanted to let you know early so you could make your own plans. All the Best Z'

I agree it's best to tell her sooner rather than later so you're not strong armed into it at the last minute. Set the precedent now or this could go on and on.

Hopefully it's crossed wires and the aunt has just assumed that this woman is still wanting to come at Christmas.
I'd just act dumb unless she contacts you directly and then say you just want time with immediate family.

What has this got to do with the thread? The woman was not a cohabitee and laws are not applied retrospectively.

I also wish it wasn't happening but as the Labour government so far have been thankfully ineffective in bringing in laws that damage the social contract and make life worse for women I'm not that worried.

I know. I thought long and hard about it, but then thought that it was his will. He had always been kind to us. My sister needed the money so I ended up giving her a good proportion of mine. I used the rest to pay my course fees for a Masters degree and I splashed out on a Tag watch. I always think of him when I wear the watch.

I had similar after my dad died. He married his second wife when I was already an adult and I never liked her. She's a very difficult person whose own children are NC with her because of it. Once he died, I told her that difficult as it is, life moves on and we would be doing Christmas differently. She isn't my responsibility, her 2 children live within 10 minutes of her house.

I wasn’t saying you weren’t being kind, I was just giving you another perspective, more in response to some of the other replies and the question of whether she would still be grieving after six months. If they were long term partners and he has died she is considered widowed, maybe not legally, but by the widowed community.

As I said you absolutely shouldn’t invite her and I do think it would be kinder to tell her in advance, not just for her but so it doesn’t overshadow what will already be a difficult Christmas for you.

Way too wishy washy.

It needs to be a firm "no" underlining that there is no relationship now and OP and her father's partner will be going their separate ways.

(Hope the dad wasn't stringing her along in terms of expectations of a bequest etc)

I think loneliness is awful but if it is almost self-imposed because of poor behaviour that’s different to a kind, loving person being left out.
Not sure how old this lady is but she was basically dad’s companion. He clearly had his wits about him with his will, too.
If this woman has her own home then she can live and rebuild her life.
She sounds like she just expects.
And I don’t subscribe to the ‘it’s Christmas’ shouts. OP has done enough here she is grieving her dad. Had this woman been kinder and better company and they had developed their own bond, an invitation would be no problem.

We had a very similar situation and really didn't want late FILs partner at Christmas, Easter etc once he'd passed away. Late MIL had been her best friend and FIL had started an affair with her whilst MIL was dying. We had nothing in common with her apart from FIL but always invited them as a pair as, whatever had happened in the past, dh loved his dad dearly and wanted him with us at Christmas, Easter etc. The first year we had her at Christmas as usual as he died in December but it was damned hard work, we had nothing in common. I still picked her up, dropped her off etc. My own parents had died and my mother had never liked her as she'd been disgusted at what they'd done behind MILs back and I said to dh I don't want to wait on her hand and foot, entertain and cook for her for god knows how many years, she's not a relative and wasn't even a friend, I just wanted a relaxing Christmas for the first time ever, not running around after other people. Just me and dh. So, instead, I invited her the week before Christmas for the afternoon, picked her up and dropped her off as usual, fed her, listened to her telling us all about herself, made sure she had a nice time etc but made it clear we were having a quiet Christmas just the two of us. i did the same at easter, no more backwards and forwards on easter Sunday, cooking a fancy meal etc Just picked her up the week before Easter, gave her afternoon tea and listened to her talk. I found by the third year she'd made plans with other people for those celebrations and we continue to see her but nowhere near as often. We now put ourselves first whilst not completely dumping her.

I absolutely won’t be doing any of that.

This is a good message.

With Christmas the priority should be kids and family. It is not kind to children or other members of the family to invite people they dislike or find disruptive - particularly as they too are grieving a father and grandfather. I assume this woman has lived at least a half century and had plenty of opportunities to build her own network of friends and family connections.

I agree. This is actually quite scary and infuriating. Marriage exists for a reason and people should understand the risks of not doing so when they’re in a long term relationship that involves children and shared finances.

Does that mean that if I decide to enter into another relationship in the future that doesn’t work out, he would be able to take half of the house that I worked my arse off to buy on my own?

Hell would honestly freeze over before I would ever allow that. The government can honestly do one if they think this a good idea.

It’s a cocklodger’s wet dream.

They didn't live together, she is your late father's girlfriend.

and that is why she didn't receive a single penny I guess.

You do not need to have any sort of relationship with her at all, ever. She was a girlfriend.

( edited as I got her timeframe wrong )

Why on earth did you do any of that once he'd gone?

If someone had behaved that way to my late MiL i wouldn't have given them another minute once FIL was gone. Why would your husband have entertained this given what she did to his own mother?

Seems a bit two faced to me. You didn't like her so why play that game.

And @IDrinkTeaAllTheTime
Did you tell anyone your views? The consultation is now over. There were threads on MN warning posters but so many people brushed it away. Unless you share your views via the consultation or write to your MP, it will happen.

Lol. She can dislike her for any reason, or none at all and of course is absolutely in no way, not ethically, not morally, not technically - in no way of any kind - obligated to spend a single second in her company, ever again.

If you feel that way, I suspect the kindest thing to say would be "I don't want a relationship with you going forward"

This allows the person to move on

This is the first I’m ever hearing about it. I’m not in a relationship currently, with no plans to be, but who know what the future holds - so maybe I missed it when it was mentioned on Mumsnet before.

However, I can see from a further update that this only applies in England and Wales. I’m in Scotland, so hopefully it doesn’t make its way here.

Christmas. Season of peace and goodwill to all mankind.
Except for late father’s partner.

Do what I’m doing this Christmas. In order to avoid the usual drama DH and I are going away just the two of us.

Agreed. I would not be sending her any money nor inviting her to anything else from now on. I’d message saying, “Hi x, I hope you are well. I’m letting you know that we’re no longer hosting Christmas, as we will be spending it with my mum from now on. I wanted to make sure that you have plenty of time to make other arrangements for Christmas. Take care.”

I'd just tell her politely but with no attempt at dressing it up. "I understand you've been asking about visiting my family at Christmas. As my father is dead, we are no longer related and I plan to spend Christmas with my family. You are not, therefore, invited. Goodbye and all the best".

To get a Christmas Day invite.

Sounds like my dad's partner. She's a horrible, conniving, gold digger. She's tried to keep him away from his family , has verbally attacked his siblings at my grandma's funeral and is generally a really horrible person. No way I'd maintain any kind of relationship with her after my dad dies.

This is such a weird thing to post based on the OP. She's been in touch for money or favours, not because she's 'really trying.'

I'm sure she is lonely - but that doesn't mean that the OP has to fix that if there is a previous poor relationship or behaviour.