How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

"Hi Susan, just to talk about christmas. This year will be very different since dad passed, me and dh will be doing something different as otherwise its going to make the day sad with dad not here. Just letting you know now you have time to make alternative arrangements for yourself." Just be blunt. Also stop giving her money.

This. Make the break now otherwise it will drag on. So many people seem to get stuck in Christmas traditions that they don't want when there is no need. You don't have to show any loyalty to her but it is kinder to let her know now so that she has time to make her own plans.

OP has every right to end any contact with her upon her fathers death.
His partner has zero entitlement to be invited now that her relationship is ended.
OP is being kind clarifying her new plans and giving her time to make other arrangements.

HoppityBun
First, stop with the favours and do not reply to texts.
Do not rely on anyone else to tell this person because you can’t be sure that they will say what you want them to say.
Then text her and say that you thought you should tell her as ear as possible that from now on, you are hosting Christmas only for your mother’s side of the family.
Bite the bullet and be short, firm and clear. If she turns up on the day, talk to her in the hallway or at the front door for 2 minutes then say that sorry she’ll have to go now as you have things going on.

or she could be diplomatic and nice (short firm and clear sounds like you’re trying to train a dog as opposed to telling a human being who just lost their partner they aren’t invited to Christmas).

How self aware is she, OP? Will she know your feelings about her, or is she totally oblivious?
Either way, if she's behaved so poorly that your siblings and some wider family won't have anything to do with her, there shouldn't be any onus on you to accommodate her. You put up with her for your dad's sake, but that obligation has now ended. You don't owe her your Christmas, and she's got a cheek in assuming that you do. Did she help with the planning or on the day at all?
Who is in her life on a day to day basis and supporting her through her grief? It would surely follow naturally that whoever they are, might offer to host her?

I agree , without knowing finer details it sounds really mean . I remember my dad years ago saying no-one should be alone at Christmas so we’d often had different people at the dinner table .

It's not but we could say that about anyone who is struggling then couldn't we. Oh sorry you've broken your leg but it's not my problem. Sorry you're having suicidal thoughts but its not my problem. Sorry your car has broken down in the middle of the road but it's not my problem.

There might be a lot more to this story and the OP can make the right choice for her family but it's not as simple as just society abdigating responsibility as it's nobody's problem.

Loneliness is bloody horrific by the way.

But it also protects people. Say if today someone lost their partner suddenly, has possibly shared children. Even with a will, they have to pay inheritance tax on what they inherit from their partner, it could leave people in real trouble, enough even to have to sell a home to pay the tax.

As all these things, it helps some, doesn't help others.

I would be inclined to simply not say anything and hope she gets the hint, unless you feel she is a decent person, just someone you have a personality clash with and deserves more kindness.
Is there anyway your family could go somewhere else this year? “We’re going away” is easier to say than “Sorry, it’s family only this year.” It’s not really in the spirit of Christmas to leave a grieving widow out, although of course depends a bit how she has behaved.

I haven’t given her any money or done any of the favours she has asked. If my dad wanted to leave her anything, he would have, as he was very organised.

Sorry for the loss of your dad.
Thankfully, when my dad died, his partner chose to cut ties with us. That was absolutely fine by me and my siblings because none of us liked her. If she hadn’t had walked away, there is no way I’d have invited her for Christmas. We didn’t like her!

Op has no idea that tje partner wants to come and buy sending a message like that you open yourself up to her saying that's ok I've made other plans anyway.
There is never ever a need to send a presumptuous message to anyone. Wait to see if they mention it. It's ages away anyway.

How long had they been together? He only died in June, she will still be grieving!

Just to reframe this you thought you were doing her a favour hosting her at Christmas but maybe she was also giving up what she wanted to do for Christmas to do what your dad wanted. I’m not saying you should spend Christmas with her but try to be kind, she’s lost the same person but a whole different relationship to you and if she’s had to ask for favours it probably wasn’t easy. Nothing about being widowed is easy.

I would message and say something like now dad's no longer with us I won't be sticking to previous Christmas traditions, just wanted to let you know so you can make other arrangements. Hope you have a nice christmas and all the best

I haven't see my Mums partner since her funeral, despite him living in a house that I now own
I don't like him and tolerated him for my Mums sake, we had to put up with him for many many Christmases, birthdays and even holidays while his own family scarcely bothered so now they can step in
In an emergency I would help out briefly until they could get here (they live some distance away) but that is it
My DH actually said that it was one slight silver lining to the cloud of my Mum dying that we didn't have to have anything to do with her partner anymore

Do what you want OP, no need to host someone you don't like at Christmas for no good reason and anyone who judges that can host her themselves

I am trying to be kind, that’s why I’ve asked advice on how to word a message to her. She isn’t very kind, but I won’t lower myself to be like she has been.

She wanted to come every year and thought she should be invited on my mums year. She wants to come this year as she had a conversation with my aunt, which I said in my first post’ in which it was clear she expected to be coming to us.

She hasn’t been widowed.

They didn’t live together so chances are it wouldn’t apply anyway.

They weren’t even married, and didn’t live together.

If he cared that much for his DP, he would have left her provided for, though? It’s clear that she wasn't a stepparent and they weren’t married, so the DP has simply been that - a ‘partner’ at family events and seemingly not a part of OP’s life in any other way.

@OnlyPocketChange I would rip the plaster off now and be clear to communicate that now that your dad has passed, your plans for Christmas have evolved and you won’t be able to host her over Christmas anymore.

You owe her nothing. She was your dfs partner, you didn't like her and thats fine.
Dont be guilt tripped by posters wailing " its Xmas". Some people deserve to be on their own at Xmas.

I would tell a white lie.

You've clearly done a lot of hosting in the past so I would tell her something like "Just wanted to let you know so you can make arrangements: going forwards we're having a break from hosting and won't be having guests for Christmas at ours."

(And if you want to be charitable) "Do let us know when we can pop round with a card."

And then let it fade away naturally.

This sort of thing is always tricky. She may have had a different perspective on your relationship than you did, and she will still be grieving so I think a softer, but firm, approach is best for now. And don't wait until December to tell her!

Awful how?

You owe a non-cohabiting partner of your dad absolutely nothing in terms of your own inheritance or time. As you say, he'd have left her something if he wanted to and she's very thick skinned/self centred if she imagines you would want to do Christmas exactly as you did in the past. I know you are happy with the form of words others have given you to advise this woman you won't be hosting her. Stick to your guns and ignore those who are trying to guilt trip you into doing something for her. Condolences on your loss.

It sounds like your dad has left her in the lurch if she's having to ask you for money? If she's was a long term partner, that was a bit off. Perhaps he had made promises to her, like you'll look after her?
I'm sure she's getting the hint, if you haven't helped her when asked. Just text her and say you're not inviting her for Christmas any more, as it's time for a change. Then block her if you really want to shake her off? It is a sad situation.

I would have to know more about why she isn’t invited…..