How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Too vague in my opinion.

She’s not family.

I don’t believe that you should basically suck it up and ignore your own wellbeing in order to prioritise someone else’s.

This will all change next year when the Government’s new act is passed. It’s called A Fairer Split and the intention is to treat unmarried couples the same as married couples. It is to prevent one half of a couple who have lived together being left empty handed.

Why is the government interfering with people’s private lives - if people wanted to share assets they would get married or draw up contracts for the same. This will just allow cocklodgers to acquire rights by stealth.

Sorry, it’s called A Fairer End
https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/a-fairer-end-to-relationships

Can’t your family mix it up this year just to break the pattern, and you go to whoever would normally have hosted the rest of the family when it was your turn to host your Dad and partner? You could then say ‘just to let you know that Mum (or brother/sister) has invited me, dh and the kids to hers for Christmas this year, so I thought I’d tell you well in advance so that you have time to sort out your own Christmas plans. Best wishes…’

Absolutely, but how many Mumsnetters commented on the proposal?

In the future if a couple live together, they have the right to claim on the other’s estate, married or not

They didn’t live together. A good decision by my dad.

This although leave out the ‘’not quite firmed up’ assuming you don’t want to leave any room for doubt. This gives her 3 months to make an alternative plan, which is very reasonable.

There are so many ifs and buts. If she has been a long term partner I'd feel more obligated than if she had only been in his life for a couple of years.

The OP must hope they do not allow retrospective claims

How would your late father feel about this treatment of his partner?

I really hope this doesn't come into force

For those asking, my dad knew why I don’t like her and appreciated my efforts to accommodate her despite how she behaved. My siblings have no contact at all with my dad or her after they had been together for about a year due to her behaviour.

My dad didn’t live with her. She rents her own house so isn’t destitute. Any loneliness will be down to her personality.

OP said she has lots of people in her life.

Not OP’s problem. Just because the dad made a decision to remarry does not mean that OP has to continue facilitating that decision indefinitely.

The link between OP and the dad’s wife is now gone, so it’s entirely up to OP whether she develops a relationship with his wife independent of OP’s relationship with her late dad.

This will sound harsh but she's not your family , she was your dad's plus one and he isn't here anymore , so sorry for your loss op. She isn't your responsibility. You have no obligation to her.

How is asking for favours and money "really trying"?

She literally says I don’t think she has many people in her life.

I wouldn’t leave my son’s estate to a boyfriend of mine. If I have a boyfriend and I die I don’t want my son losing his inheritance or having to split it with my boyfriend’s kids. Her dad chose not to marry this girlfriend probably for exactly that reason.

@LeastOfMyWorries
Did you write or contribute to the consultation? According to Labour there has been a lot of support for this? There have been threads on MN but few posters could be bothered to express concerns. The consultation is now closed.

I'm positive I did, have also contacted my MP about it

What kind of relationship if any do you want in the future?

If you are feeling kind you could say

i spoke with (mutual connection) who mentioned they thought you were spending Xmas here. I just wanted to double check that we didn’t have our wires crossed, since dad is no longer with us I’ll be spending it with my mum. I wish you all the best, take care xx

thats signals an ending too