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If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

184 replies

Sherryandbright · Yesterday 09:35

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

OP posts:
RoseDog · Yesterday 09:36

I would just get stuck in washing dishes, tidying the kitchen or sorting laundry to help them out!

DelphiniumBlue · Yesterday 09:37

I wouldn’t comment, but I would help out a little, do the washing up or clearing rubbish. If it was very bad, I might ask if they would like some help .

MiceSpiders · Yesterday 09:38

How much of a mess? Sometimes my mum pops in unexpectedly and the ironing basket is full ready to be ironed that evening and is sitting on the table, or I'm sorting washing into colour piles in the kitchen for washing while a load is already in, or there's some toys out. She wouldn't bat an eye, but if she came in and it looked like no one had cleaned or tidied for a week she'd probably ask me if everything was ok as that's not the norm. When I had a clingy newborn she'd come and do the dishwasher while she was making a cup of tea etc.

Electricsausages · Yesterday 09:38

As RoseDog^^ said
i get stuck in helps take the pressure off them

bigrainbowscarf · Yesterday 09:39

Eh, the shouting and berating should not be an option.

"Mess" is also very subjective.

Mischance · Yesterday 09:39

Ignore.

Sometimes when I go over to my DDs I will get stuck into the washing up if I can see it is needed and she is busy, because it is something that needs doing whatever your tidiness threshold. But I absolutely would not tell her what a mess the place is - in spite of the fact that it often is!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · Yesterday 09:40

Are they living alone or sharing or in a relationship? My response would depend on that to an extent. Mostly, though, I'd say if they're old enough to be living away from home it's their choice. If the place is dirty rather than just messy I wouldn't eat there, though!

LifeBeginsToday · Yesterday 09:42

It't too easy to say what you think you would do. My DD lives in squalor. I did a major transformation and by the end of the week it was back to squalor. I've now decided it is not my problem and don't comment on it.

Lomonald · Yesterday 09:43

Why would you "shout" what are you shouting about ? I visit children i don't care what it looks like, my dc work shifts probably don't have time for a pristine house their e houses are a bit cluttered but not dirty and not something to get upset over, if i thought they were mentally/emotionally struggling then of course we would help them if they asked.

Sartre · Yesterday 09:43

Depends how messy. My mum used to do weird things like open my microwave and comment if it had little splashes of food and open cupboards and comment if the tins weren’t tidy enough etc. She was literally trying to find things to pick on me for. Her house is constantly pristine, she spends a couple of hours each day cleaning even when there’s nothing else left to do.

I’m not into cleaning so I do what I have to do to make it acceptable. I think it’s rude to turn up to someone’s house and start cleaning.

5289843DM · Yesterday 09:43

Did you drop in unannounced or did they know you were coming?
I don't have children, but before getting a cleaner, my MIL was struggling. I'd offer to vacuum or do the dishes but there was no shouting etc!

Imisscoffee2021 · Yesterday 09:44

I'd ignore it unless it impeded the activity ie it was in the house and couldn't do it as table is covered etc. It's their home, it's not a reflection of you or their upbringing.

Edit to add this is unless it's a situation where there's kids and it's a dangerous mess ie animal mess etc.

PacificState · Yesterday 09:44

You’re a guest in their home, right? You wouldn’t tidy up in a friend’s house, unless they asked you to. I know it’s uncomfortable, but I try to keep my hands to myself in this situation and only get involved if explicitly asked. But then I remember living in squalor myself when I was in my early 20s. I’m also wary of becoming a bit of a stereotype, as in ‘oh mum came round and hoovered’ - if I’m visiting my kids I want to talk to them, not be Mrs Mop.

FringedAnd · Yesterday 09:45

Unless it was a 'mess' to the extent that it suggested significant mental distress or self-neglect, I can't say I'd have any particular thoughts about it either way.

MrsPapillon · Yesterday 09:45

I’ve got one like this. If they’re happy to live in shit, let them! My DC thinks that a cleaner is a basic human right, but can’t afford one, so lives in filth. I’m not enabling them. I don’t see why I should put myself out because they’re a lazy bugger. It’s not how they were raised.

OriginalSkang · Yesterday 09:46

The shouting and refusing to go out is not normal

Thecomfortador · Yesterday 09:46

I can't stand it when my mum tries to do housework in my house. Makes me feel crap and like she's judging me only on my ability to tidy up. I know I'm bad at housework and don't need to be told. Don't make a thing of it. I mean, if there's pet excrement on the floor and they have kids of their own then that needs addressing, but if it's just not up to your preferred standard but liveable, leave them to it.

Octavia64 · Yesterday 09:46

My dd has adhd.

during her student days the whole flat would be a mess (none of them really believed in cleaning).

she still lives in a mess.

i’d totally expect it. I’d be more surprised if it was clean and tidy

user1492757084 · Yesterday 09:48

I would not comment but I would help. I would enjoy helping.
I would ask if I could ...

read to children
take kids for a walk
fold clothes
do dishes
empty dishwasher
sweep floor
help a child tidy their toys
help a child put away laundry

CorporalJohn · Yesterday 09:51

On the basis that I am in this position every time I visit DD1's place, I would ask for a cup of tea, sit down, drink it and do nothing as it is none of my business how they choose to live.

If she wants help, she has a tongue in her head to ask for it.

Sherryandbright · Yesterday 09:54

Okay thank you.

ETA I live on my own.

Well I am the adult child in this situation. And I am still a bit annoyed with my Mum.

I've been busy recently and not had much time at home, so yesterday I was flitting between doing my garden (which I am totally renovating from a paved patio to a mini nature-reserve, so I'm pulling up flags, putting things in rubble sacks, sieving soil etc etc) and doing paperwork. I had tidied and cleaned the kitchen that morning but then began batch-cooking, so I had things on the stove, some kitchen equipment out, the table had my laptop on it (on a box so that I don't hunch over it!) and the back door was open where I'd been in and out of the garden all afternoon. There was also washing out in my conservatory.

My Mum rang and asked if I was walking my dog anytime soon as she'd like to come for a walk. When she arrived she was a bit early so I came in from the garden only as she got there. She was livid with me about 'all the mess in the conservatory' (It's only a small one) she gestured with her arm over the table that was 'full of stuff' (when she arrived, I came inside and put my tablet on the table as well as I had been listening to a podcast on it while gardening, while she arrived). The floor needed doing again as although I had taken my boots off, inevitably some bits had come off me from the garden, and some bits from my cooking prep. I argued back with her, said that I had been working from the laptop in between gardening and she said I should have done it in my office, I did tell her that on days off, if I have bits of work to do I don't like to do it in my office, it makes me feel like I am at work! She did labour the point with this and in the end I said 'Fine, if it makes you happy I will never work from my OWN kitchen table ever again!'

I don't normally snap but I was quite upset by this point. She'd also mentioned the tablet and I said that I had literally just put it there right now, I was outside using it, it doesn't live there.

She said I 'had loads of flies and would become ill' Now, there weren't loads of flies, but my patio and conservatory doors had been open most of the day so I guess one or two may have come in. Then she told me off about the laptop being on a box as it looked a mess... and there was a small towel on the floor as I had made seitan and some water had gone on the floor (if you've ever made that stuff you'll know how easy it is for water to end up on the floor). The worktops needed wiping (I hadn't long since done them but she didn't believe me that I had done them but then began cooking various things for the week...).

There was more but I am struggling to remember specifics.

I have seen her this morning and didn't say anything, but I really want to stand up for myself here. I was in a good mood yesterday, had finally got some time ot myself at home and got a lot done. Everything would've been tidied away in due course but I was right in the middle of doing several things. I also tend to think that this is my house, I live on my own and if I wanted to live in a midden it isn't anyone else's business (I don't mean if I had a real issue or was a hoarder etc of course).

She stayed for a while, cleaned the kitchen while having a go at me all the way through it, eventually I went outside and carried on with the garden then we went for our walk. Once I got back the garden things were put away, the washing was brought in and put away, laptop is now back in my office, food is prepped and frozen, all is fine. I don't leave things lying about or surfaces cluttered as a rule, I was just in the middle of doing several things yesterday.

If I do say something to her, I don't really know what, or how to say it.

OP posts:
PacificState · Yesterday 10:02

Oh god, she sounds like a right pain in the neck. But it all sounds very entrenched, if you know what I mean - she presumably behaves like this frequently, it wasn’t a one-off? She seems not to have processed the fact that you’re a grown-up, but how you say that without her having a massive sulk I’ve no idea. Next time can you arrange to meet her at the entrance to the dog park??

I think it depends on whether you’re ready for some drama, basically. If you are, I’d think of the message you want to get over (this is my house, I make the rules here, you’re welcome to visit but I won’t be berated) and try to say that calmly. And then don’t back down. ‘Mum it’s my house, it’s not your problem’ on repeat. If she won’t stop, you don’t arrange for her to come to your house.

Lomonald · Yesterday 10:03

I think you should just say, mum i was busy doing different things, you didn't need to make such a fuss yesterday, and say nothing else.

Fwiw my mum would have reacted the same she is an absolute nightmare, and she is very rarely in my house not because it is particularly untidy but I do have things out on the sides or a clothes basket on top of my drier and it makes her twitchy.

maudelovesharold · Yesterday 10:05

It’s their home, so I wouldn’t say much, but I would probably look a bit dismayed! Might attempt something mild like ‘how about if I empty the rubbish/clear those plates/put the washing in the basket?’ but don’t think I’d push it. Depends how bad it was, I suppose.

Lomonald · Yesterday 10:06

Infact the last time my mum came she was trying to pull up the tiniest weed on the front path!