If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

I get the wanting to help instead but the big question is HOW

If the mum in this case had started tidying up agd puttimg the OP was using away, that’s wrong. She’d got a short rift from me about that.
If it was ‘’oh I can see you have lots in your plate. Would it help if I’m cleaning ty dishes/sweeping the floor’ that’s a very different picture

Unless you know for a fact that they would like this, it's a massive boundary cross.

Or, perhaps parents should just let their adult children live as they want to.

If I turned up and the house was a mess, I’d ask if she wanted me to do anything for her. Not my place to judge or try to parent another adult.

I try very hard not to say anything in my dd’s very messy home. I usually manage not to as I don’t really care deep down it just slightly stresses me. I love her dearly and wouldn’t want her to feel bad. However I found my filter failed recently and I made a small comment about it (haven’t said a thing for three years) and I feel absolutely awful about it now. Not sure how to make amends. I annoy myself sometimes!

My mum is like this! She has dementia now so I kind of like it when she tells me off for having a shoe rack in the porch etc 😅 but before she was ill it would just instantly stress me out.

My house wouldn't even have to be messy but she would say things like ' why do have coats hung up downstairs on a coat rack' ' why do you have a shoe rack in the porch'

My standard response was ' Because we don't all have 3 empty rooms that can be filled with coats and shoes mother!'

Other things she complained about I would just let her crack on sorting them out whilst I poured myself wine

what difference does having a partner make? You are unlikely to be my mother because I am in my 70's, also my own late mother would never have done that, but if you were, it would be your last visit to my house.

I’m sorry your Mum was like that, it’s downright mean and rude.

My daughter has a busy life where she and her husband work long days, juggling two growing, busy children and on occasion the kitchen is messy with meal prep, washing to be done, crafts out on the table and toys on the floor.

But my daughter always says that she hasn’t asked me there to clean, she wants to see me, as do the children.

I wouldn't dream of having a go at her - she’s an excellent mum, her children well taken care of and fed, and dressed and clean as they should be when they go out.

And of course I use the 5 minutes the kettle is boiling to straighten a couple of things in the sink and empty the dishwasher.

Children don’t remember the spick and span house, they remember a fun mum who played with them and surrounded them with love.

Our house is always a complete tip! Id be really embarrassed if my mum pointed it out to me. I know its a mess, I work, I have a small child/stepchildren and just don't have a spare second ti do anything other than the essentials! I hoovered 2 days ago and it looks like I haven't and needs doing again already......

Adult sons, four of them

I wouldn't step on the toes of their girlfriends or wives out of respect for another woman

Men tend to see their mother helping them out in a different way than women. Not all men but most in my experience.

One of my son's lovely and hard working as he is does still need a verbal kick up the bum occasionally from his mother. His girlfriend (likely future wife) agrees with me on that too.

I don't actually know how I would react with an adult daughter or where the line would be their because my daughter is still very young. So learning about being a mum to a daughter still.

I really appreciate all of these replies and have read every single one!

Thank you.

I will definitely have words. Believe it or not, other than this type of thing we actually have a very good relationship usually! She lives very close, so it would be very strange to meet up at a different venue, she's two minutes away from me (this is fairly new, I used to live at the other side of the village and prior to that, in a different county).

I am going to just tell her that I am not a child to tell off, and that what she did yesterday was not okay.

I have a feeling I know what she'll say. That it stresses her out, or she can't stand seeing things all over the place etc etc. I will tell her that I will warn her before she comes over, if I might be in the middle of something and then she can make her decision on whether it is worth a visit or not, but what I am not doing is stifling my life for her, unless she wants to contribute to the mortgage every month then she can have a say. I almost did tell her to go home yesterday but I know I would've become very anxious following, and I was looking forward to a little break and walk with her, that was delayed by roughly 30 minutes due to this!

DM said “what a mess!” Ss she walked in through my front door. I was livid. It was very clean but a little cluttered. Perfectly safe though - I don’t mean stuff to trip over on the floor, I just mean a few things were out on the surfaces but that was all. The place was thoroughly dusted, Hoovered, mopped. The bathroom was spotless, tthe windows were clean etc.

she was rude.

You clearly believe housework is entirely the job of the woman, how disappointing.

I'm willing to bet that when your daughter gets coupled up, you won't be holding back your opinions so as not to step on a man's toes.

My daughter is lazy ,and her house a tip .I feel for the kids but ,her mess !

It's not the exact same situation though because OP's house wasn't filthy. Getting worked up about a laptop on a table, and kitchen equipment (that OP is actively using) being on the worktop is crazy.

I’d ask if they wanted a hand and then get stuck in.
id only clean though, no rearranging cupboards or that shit
sometimes if I ve babysat the grandkids at the ds house, I’ll wash the pots, wipe down the sides and tidy the front room if needed but that’s it.

i remember my parents coming to mine when i was 7 months pregnant, struggling with 2 small children, exp was an arse and I felt so poorly, physically and mentally and my parents screaming at me calling me a dirty filthy bitch, no excuse being pregnant, and I was just lazy

the house was untidy and the washing up needed doing and the floor needed a mop

that was it.. all normal really. They refused to help. It upset me that much I swore I’d never be like that with my own kids, I’d help as much as they wanted me too

As a mother to adult dc who own own home, I wouldn't say a thing. Nor would I wash up, tidy up, or do anything housework related

I’d be disappointed as it would be out of character. I’d try to find out if they were stressed or depressed about anything. But I would not comment. It’s their house, not mine. If they say they feel overwhelmed about cleaning, I’d volunteer to help. If not, I’d shut up.

I can really relate to this. I do think it’s a generational thing too. I think my mum was a lot tidier than me. Our house goes in weekly cycles of looking like a bomb has hit it to spotless. My mum didn’t work. I do. My husband has a crazy job, much rarer decades ago (my dad wouldn’t have been on his laptop until late every night). I simply don’t know how to keep our house tidy if we are that busy (with young children too). Also we usually cook proper meals too. You sound like a super multi-tasker. And yes it gets messy, but you do a lot simultaneously. And you do tidy too!!!

Your second post includes lots of justifying your perfectly fine activities to your mum and also to us, your readers. There is nothing to justify here and I would experiment with not bothering as it puts you in a lower position seeking permission.

Your post tells a different story as I read it: one where you are having a really good time doing really good things and your mum comes, inserts herself, trashes it and reduces you to a child who must explain yourself. That is what leaps out at me.

You could actually be messy and it wouldn't be her right to behave like that, but what you describe is just you going about your productive day.

Please try not conceding to this. Maybe a therapist or friend can help reframe it.

Why would you shout and berate them?

If I went over to my adult child's place and it was a messy I would just ignore it and not comment on it

My son is tidier than I am. My daughter and her husband’s house looks like they’ve just moved in and haven’t unpacked the boxes. They’ve been living there for six years. I say nothing about the state of their houses because I don’t live there. I’m not entitled to say anything. As long as everyone is safe and healthy, I don’t care. Our relationship is far more important to me than dust or post left on the table, or unmade beds.

Wouldn’t even notice, they would get that from me. 😂

I have no interest in house work.

I could have written this a few years ago!

My answer now if she even starts is ‘if you don’t like it please leave. I’m often multi tasking like this and in the moment everything looks a mess, but it all gets sorted.

It is your house, it is your life and it is not a health risk to you. It’s not like there are small children there who could get hurt or anything. Her life may be very different to yours and that’s fine, but she doesn’t get to judge yours.

I hope you are feeling okay after that, I know it hurts. Most of us want to please our Mum’s even when we are grown up!

Fuck! I hope you're NC?

Both my DDs are pretty untidy I leave them to it