If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

I would help out.

The second bloody bell one

I get stuck in. My mum used to do the same when she came to mine, it was never done in a judgey way.

Most people are commenting on daughters . What about if it is your son but there is a wife or partner there? Would that be different?

My mom rarely came around without prior warning. If the house was a mess by her standards I used to say that I did 60h weeks and sometimes more- totally true and that it wasn't that important to me. Eventually I got her to come and do my cleaning on a weekly basis- I paid her. I think it's up to u how u live. Don't allow her to treat u in this way. An uncomfortable conversation means hopefully u will not be berated ever again. It's up to u how u live. You should not have to justify yourself

What if they didn’t want help? Some people don’t.

Dear god Sherryandbright.... stop explaining everything to her.... it's your house... she's got no right whatsoever to comment and criticise.... and you really really need to tell her to butt out or get out. I get that you don't want to fall out with her, but she doesn't have a problem berating you and treating you like a child. Stop justifying yourself to her. You sound like a lovely hard working sensible young woman, and you're entitled to civility and respect in your own home. Time to put a stop to her interference.

Then they will tell you that and you don't do it again. No big deal.

Not her house, not her business.

It doesn’t matter if mess stresses her out, it’s not her house. Nothing to do with her.

My Mum would be the same with me and there have been times both when I was with my ex and when on my own that she and my Dad have pulled me up about mess in the house, things left on the same surfaces for weeks on end etc - it was worse with my ex because he always had tools or wood lying about. Now I am on my own with 2 children I accept offers of help even if it does come across to me as criticism or interference at times, and their usual strategy is to arrange a time when there is just me in the house to help sort something that is bugging them.

My eldest child's house is ALWAYS a mess. Much worse than yours. It's not dirty but it is permanently messy.

I don't go over without an invitation or, if I'm not expected, I don't expect to be invited in. And I would NEVER comment on the mess. If she was busy folding laundry or something similar when I was there I would offer to help, otherwise I just 'don't notice'.

I have it the other way round. My adult DD comes to my house and yells at me if it’s not tidy.

I help one DD as she is a single Mum, working full time. When her partner was there I let them get on with it.

My other daughter lives with her partner. Their house gives me the heebeejeebies, but it's up to them.

Not at all my sons were raised with toy kitchens etc. Have always had chores around the house growing up. I am not there slave, I am their mother. I believe in raising sons to respect women, especially their future partner (man partner too if gay). However I am not going to let them live in a mess even when grown up. If I go to their house and see it is in a condition that will be bad for the mental health or physical health long term then not going to leave it that way.

No I won't be holding my opinion back for a man you are right about that. Espesally if he isn't pulling his weight around their home. Whether I would hold back with my own daughter I can't answer yet. I am not a time traveller. Think it probably depends on our relationship and her personality.

Sorry if I offended you so much. Just being totally honest. My sons were raised to know better than live in mess. I also take their mental health seriously as adults with certain careers. Definitely would not step on toes of their partners though.