If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

My dd lives with her partner.. I’d only help if they were both ok with it.

OP, your DM is a fool, because as our DC get older, we want to see them more than they want to see us, because we have more time and they are busy. In your DM’s place, I’d have asked if you wanted/needed any help with tidying up, and then it’s up to you whether she helps or not. But your house, your rules - some people are anally tidy; others are not. I know from my own DC’s houses that their standards differ dramatically, but I certainly wouldn’t dream of berating them for it!

I absolutely would not comment or 'get stuck in'. It is their home, they are allowed to live as they want, prioritise what they want. It would be impertinent.

If I were to comment/interfere my DCs would be perfectly entitled to say 'did you mean to be so rude?'.

I’d ignore it, unless it was very out of character in which case I would tentatively offer help. I would avoid doing what my mum does which is criticise or start cleaning aggressively to make a point .

Perhaps she was more disturbed by your doing several things all at once. Rather than doing one thing at a time and completing it.

So what, though? It's none of her mother's business how she chooses to do things in her own home. The OP is doing things the way SHE wants to do them, because she is a grown adult and has her own home. She's perfectly entitled to have several things on the go at once if that's what works for her, and it has no fucking impact on her mother whatsoever.

It's not OK to go into other people's houses - even if that house belongs to your adult child - and start demanding that they do things your way. The fact that you squeezed that adult out of your vag a few decades ago is irrelevant.

If the OP's house was obviously filthy and dangerous, rather than a bit untidy, that would be different. But a bit of chaos and a grubby floor is none of her mother's business.

Completely ignore it if DS house. He has ADHD and I know that it will be messy again within hours. If DDs house I would know it would really be bothering her and I would offer to help tidy up.

There would be no shouting etc

I can't stand it when my mum tries to do housework in my house. Makes me feel crap and like she's judging me only on my ability to tidy up. I know I'm bad at housework and don't need to be told. Don't make a thing of it.
Couldn't agree more. I would have hated it if my mother started cleaning when she came over. At least she only commented.

It sounds to me like you were multi tasking magnificently!
You don't need to explain yourself to your Mum, she sounds very difficult.
I feel for you OP.

I tend to work in the same way as you, chipping away at multiple jobs simultaneously and I can see how to an outsider things may look a bit chaotic!
She was rude, I might (in her situation) walk in and ask if there’s anything I can do to help but if the answer was “no thanks, it’s all under control”, then that’s it. I’d sit and wait until you were ready.
We do keep a relatively clean and tidy house as I hate clutter and mess but you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs and sometimes mess needs to be made.

This is very much not a hypothetical question for me 😆 My adult dd has a very different tolerance for mess than I do, but I absolutely don’t comment on it or attempt to do anything about it. If she asked for my help them I’d willing give it, but how she lives in her own house is none of my business.

Ah now this makes sense. My mum didn't have a MIL. My step grandmother never came to visit but my DM hated how she was always "in charge" at her house (i.e. nobody could do things right but apparently nobody helped either - I either just ignored this or did what step GM needed).
My own grandma didn't come to visit that often (large ocean and large continent in the way).

Your mum sounds like a PITA tell her to stop moaning about nothing..life is too short

Id never shout its their home if it was my sons id help with washing dishes etc if they wanted help that is.

I have two adult DC.
DC1's home is tidy but not very clean and DC2's is like a bomb site. I know DC2 dislikes this but their partner is just naturally untidy and has always been the same.
I would NEVER say a word to either of them. I might have done if they were teenagers or newly living on their own but definitely not now.
If asked I would love to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in but I would never do so otherwise

Wtf?

You use words like "methodical amd practical" as if it was some virtue of your approach, but isn't it more practical and using more of the method to smartly interlace stuff?

Depends on what messy means, toys on the floor, piles on surfaces but clean is one thing, dirty kitchen and loos are another. Also depends on stage of life, babies and toddlers take a lot of energy. Also depends on how normal this is and how openly you discuss things generally. I would ask if they wanted help, if I would be of more use minding kids or making a meal while they tackled tidying up or whether I could help tidy, I might ask what area was bothering them most so concentrate on that. I realise that I am answering this as the mother of daughters at a stage where they are more the ones running the house.

If they had young children I would offer to wash up or another small task because there is always so much to do when the kids are small. In fact I have done this for a friend whose house was chaotic by my standards and who had a lot going on in her life but I never made a single comment about my feelings about the state of her home because it was none of my business. If adult child did not have children and things had gone from being clean and organised to being a mess I would ask if things were ok and ask if they needed help. However if it always a tip I'd say and do nothing, its their choice and tbh I have enough to do with my own housework. As for berating them! bloody hell, no, no, no

Mine does this. Ridiculous comments over nothing

If it’s not her way then it’s wrong. Ignore and just let it go over your head because they don’t change

I'd tell her that she has a choice.

Either she wants to be treated as a special guest and will be invited only if you have the time and capacity to make all the arrangements for her visit.

Or, she is close to you and you both want to meet in a more adhoc way, including times when you are middle of a thing or two.

If she tries "you should always keep clean and tidy" - yes, after I finish things. The choice is...

My mum when she was able to visit my house never commented on it at all, she was here to see me and the children, she has come into some right states in the past and she knows that it will get cleaned up, I've got 4 children and don't live in a show home if I wanted to live like that then the kids would suffer because they'd never be allowed to do anything messy, I've known people like that who don't let their kids draw or paint because they're too worried about the carpet, not in my home mine will be allowed to play and if there is mess then so be it, if people want to judge then they aren't welcome

This.

And I have done. Many times.

I have a saying in my house

If you see it and feel the need to say it, then sort it.

We have a young family, both work pretty much full time - can spend the entire week cleaning for it to be destroyed in minutes.

My folks are still working (60s) but its an adult household, so yes it can be kept cleaner. And actually they work part time anyway.

Society seems to have two levels of cleanliness now. Of course there are upper and lower limits but it seem to fall into two categories'

Clean & Tidy
Fucking disgusting pigs

I wont mince my words. There are people among us who are dirty bastards. Gardens unkept. Rubbish in the streets. Houses that you wouldnt put criminals in. Animal poo, dirty nappies, food boxes etc etc. I know this because one of my adult children has to go in some of these houses through work and they are a disgrace.

My own house is immaculate and yes i dont think this is the standard that should be kept but if i walked into one of my own childrens homes and they were treating it like a pigsty i would come out and say it. I am all for helping and getting stuck in but it starts from the house owner. If they cant be bothered then they are fucking pigs.

I keep my own home pretty pristine most of the time. That’s just how I like it. My kids don’t. I say nothing and don’t clean anything in their homes. They all live in share houses.

If they had young kids and the set up was different of course I’d help out. They are late teens/early 20s. Their standards are different. As mine were at that age.

I wouldn’t come to expect it because I’d hate it! I don’t want anyone else interfering with my house. Sometimes my in laws wash up (no reason to, we have a dishwasher) and they’ll either not wash something properly or put stuff back in the wrong place.