Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

188 replies

Sherryandbright · Yesterday 09:35

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

OP posts:
Divinedownload · Yesterday 13:27

I certainly wouldn’t just get stuck in and start cleaning my adult child’s house. Talk about a boundary cross. Some of you are going to be seriously hated as mother in laws and I can see why. If my mother in law came in and just started to clean I would tell her to fuck right off thank you very much.

Anyway what I would do, is diplomatically offer to help my son or daughter IF they wanted me too. If they didn’t, then that’s that. It’s not my house is it? Some of you really need to learn boundaries.

Monty36 · Yesterday 13:29

FourSevenFive · Yesterday 13:02

You've said that it would "drive you a bit off the hinge to see someone doing more things at once". And than compared "methodical and practical" with "appear chaotic".

Your post implies you are on the side of doing things one by one.
And it implies that the one-by-one doers would consider they way methodical and practical.

True, you haven't explicitly connected those two points about yourself.
Anyway, my point is that words like "methodical and practical" in this context are often used more as judgmental than factual, because if you look into it practically, smart interlacing can be more practical and using more method than finishing one thing before starting the next one.

Well, I wish I was more methodical and practical. I suspect the mother is anyway.
And if she is she would probably view it as disorganised. And not smart. Which is perhaps why she reacted as she did.

CatA27 · Yesterday 13:30

I wouldnt say or do anything! My house is often messy and there is only me and my husband here. Depending on the situation, for example if we were going out and they said I'll just wash the pots first or peg the washing out then Id help them do it 😍

BirthdayTrash · Yesterday 13:47

Monty36 · Yesterday 10:19

Perhaps she was more disturbed by your doing several things all at once. Rather than doing one thing at a time and completing it.

You will always be a child to your parent. And strangely they find it hard to let you age. I guess because it ages them if they do. So they might relate to you as if you are younger than you really are. And that you might need help. Which is very irritating.

But rather than berating you I think I would have been astonished that you were trying to do many things all at once. That would drive me a bit off the hinge, as I think it may have done your mother. But it has come out all as berating. If she is the sort of person who is methodical and practical seeing someone who by comparison appears chaotic can be a bit disturbing.

You clearly don’t know any ADHDers. I constantly have at least 20 things on the go at once. One thing at a time seems utterly boring to me.

Neverstopwondering · Yesterday 14:04

When they don't have partner I would roll up sleeves and make it reasonable again. Make them help me and moan a fair amount at them about not being a child and that they need to keep up with it once I am done. The level of the nagging depends on what is going on in their life to make them live like that.

If they have partner then I would not mention it or touch a thing. That is unless they have a child or children then I may do something in a low key way.

Jane143 · Yesterday 14:05

This sounds like a very normal house, just like mine and my daughter’s homes. If she’s not going to help then she shouldn’t comment

Tulipsriver · Yesterday 14:17

My mum would politely ask if I wanted some help, my dad would ignore it and tell me he hadn't noticed if I brought it up.

Being your mum doesn't excuse rudeness. If one of my parents spoke to me like that I would very clearly tell them that my house was my business and I won't be spoken to like that by anyone, regardless to whether they gave birth to me (but I appreciate this may be harder to do if you have a complicated relationship).

Monty36 · Yesterday 14:17

BirthdayTrash · Yesterday 13:47

You clearly don’t know any ADHDers. I constantly have at least 20 things on the go at once. One thing at a time seems utterly boring to me.

I do apologise.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 14:24

I would say nothing as it is absolutely NONE of my business how my adult children live in their own homes. If I really thought they were struggling because of mental health or whattever or it was dangerous or unsanitary I would aks if they wanted me to help with anything. But otherwise it´s nothing to do with me.

I have a very difficult mother who quite probably has a ersonality disorder and I haven´t spoken to her in years. She would have done this kind of thing.

Is your mother overbearing in other ways?

In your position I would tell her to wind her neck in and not to speak to me like that again.

Morepositivemum · Yesterday 14:26

I think we’d all hope not to/ try not to be like your mum, but I can imagine me ranting away as I helped because I was stressed for you and worried things weren’t ok for you s as nd that’s what I do when I’m stressed. I’d have apologised so much after though!!

Showdogworkingdog · Yesterday 14:33

I just get stuck in, load the dishwasher or empty it so that it can be reloaded, usually while making myself a cup of tea. I don’t berate or say anything really, I’m not fussed and it’s none of my business. I have more time on my hands now to tidy up after myself, but that definitely wasn’t the case when the kids were younger, it’s really not that important. I’m there to see them, not to carry out an inspection.

Howmanycatsistoomany · Yesterday 14:34

'Fine, if it makes you happy I will never work from my OWN kitchen table ever again!'

Why on earth did you say this? You need to woman up and tell her to mind her beeswax - it's your house and you can keep it as clean and tidy (or not) as you bloody well want!

My mother once told me off for having some dust on the top edge of the door to my ensuite - that's how hard she had to look to find dust in my house. I did not take it well, not least because I grew up in a shithole that only got cleaned if I cleaned it, while she sat on her arse drinking herself into oblivion. She's not been in my house since.

pinkfondu · Yesterday 14:36

I certainly wouldn’t shout or stop an activity because of it

BirthdayTrash · Yesterday 14:37

I’m messy. Anyone commenting on it wouldn’t be crossing the threshold again. I don’t care who they are.

BugJuice · Yesterday 14:41

If my mum mentioned anything about mess in my house I’d mutter something about pots and kettles.

Laurmolonlabe · Yesterday 14:43

My mother's approach was to relentlessly criticise,when that didn't work she never visited again- which suited me well TBH.

TheSmellOfSea · Yesterday 14:49

No I wouldn't say anything. I'd maybe ask if there's anything that they want me to help with? Unless it was in a dangerous state. But I'd be more concerned about their mental health then not bullying towards them.

I'm sorry your dm did this to you. 💐

HylianShroom · Yesterday 14:49

Nah, fuck that. Your house, your rules. She’s a cheeky mare. Grow a spine and tell her to mind her own business.

mixedpeel · Yesterday 14:51

BirthdayTrash · Yesterday 14:37

I’m messy. Anyone commenting on it wouldn’t be crossing the threshold again. I don’t care who they are.

This, I’m frankly staggered by how many people in the thread talk about ‘getting stuck in’ when at someone else’s house. I would hate this.

MyMilchick · Yesterday 14:51

I would just be happy it wasn't my house they were messing up anymore 😂

TheSmellOfSea · Yesterday 14:51

HylianShroom · Yesterday 14:49

Nah, fuck that. Your house, your rules. She’s a cheeky mare. Grow a spine and tell her to mind her own business.

😅

Yes I agree. Depends if dm is a moody mare though? My late dm wouldn't have cared. She was so laid back.

HouseBee · Yesterday 14:52

Your mum would have a heart attack coming to my house 😁😁😁

And she was very wrong to tell off that way. It’s your house, your life, you can do whatever you want.
Id have told her that this is what works for you. It doesn’t have to work fur her.
If she had insisted, I’d have told her that how you live isn’t up to negotiation and change subject

Rhaidimiddim · Yesterday 14:54

Sherryandbright · Yesterday 09:54

Okay thank you.

ETA I live on my own.

Well I am the adult child in this situation. And I am still a bit annoyed with my Mum.

I've been busy recently and not had much time at home, so yesterday I was flitting between doing my garden (which I am totally renovating from a paved patio to a mini nature-reserve, so I'm pulling up flags, putting things in rubble sacks, sieving soil etc etc) and doing paperwork. I had tidied and cleaned the kitchen that morning but then began batch-cooking, so I had things on the stove, some kitchen equipment out, the table had my laptop on it (on a box so that I don't hunch over it!) and the back door was open where I'd been in and out of the garden all afternoon. There was also washing out in my conservatory.

My Mum rang and asked if I was walking my dog anytime soon as she'd like to come for a walk. When she arrived she was a bit early so I came in from the garden only as she got there. She was livid with me about 'all the mess in the conservatory' (It's only a small one) she gestured with her arm over the table that was 'full of stuff' (when she arrived, I came inside and put my tablet on the table as well as I had been listening to a podcast on it while gardening, while she arrived). The floor needed doing again as although I had taken my boots off, inevitably some bits had come off me from the garden, and some bits from my cooking prep. I argued back with her, said that I had been working from the laptop in between gardening and she said I should have done it in my office, I did tell her that on days off, if I have bits of work to do I don't like to do it in my office, it makes me feel like I am at work! She did labour the point with this and in the end I said 'Fine, if it makes you happy I will never work from my OWN kitchen table ever again!'

I don't normally snap but I was quite upset by this point. She'd also mentioned the tablet and I said that I had literally just put it there right now, I was outside using it, it doesn't live there.

She said I 'had loads of flies and would become ill' Now, there weren't loads of flies, but my patio and conservatory doors had been open most of the day so I guess one or two may have come in. Then she told me off about the laptop being on a box as it looked a mess... and there was a small towel on the floor as I had made seitan and some water had gone on the floor (if you've ever made that stuff you'll know how easy it is for water to end up on the floor). The worktops needed wiping (I hadn't long since done them but she didn't believe me that I had done them but then began cooking various things for the week...).

There was more but I am struggling to remember specifics.

I have seen her this morning and didn't say anything, but I really want to stand up for myself here. I was in a good mood yesterday, had finally got some time ot myself at home and got a lot done. Everything would've been tidied away in due course but I was right in the middle of doing several things. I also tend to think that this is my house, I live on my own and if I wanted to live in a midden it isn't anyone else's business (I don't mean if I had a real issue or was a hoarder etc of course).

She stayed for a while, cleaned the kitchen while having a go at me all the way through it, eventually I went outside and carried on with the garden then we went for our walk. Once I got back the garden things were put away, the washing was brought in and put away, laptop is now back in my office, food is prepped and frozen, all is fine. I don't leave things lying about or surfaces cluttered as a rule, I was just in the middle of doing several things yesterday.

If I do say something to her, I don't really know what, or how to say it.

Edited

She was way out of line. Livid? Having a go at you? I'm livid on your behalf.

You really need to find your anger. She is treating you like a child. You are her child, but you are an adult and she needs to lose the assumption that she can tell you off.

I have grown kids, whose houses are often messy when I go round. I don't give AF, its them I've come to see.

TheSmellOfSea · Yesterday 14:54

mixedpeel · Yesterday 14:51

This, I’m frankly staggered by how many people in the thread talk about ‘getting stuck in’ when at someone else’s house. I would hate this.

I would too. Unless I was ill and it was my close family or friends. But they'd ask first.

momtoboys · Yesterday 14:54

I had this exact situation a few months ago with one of my sons and his partners place. It is a tiny place so its not surprising it is messy because there is so little space to have anything, but it was filthy. Dirty plates on counter because sink was full, etc. I said nothing and did nothing because we were only there on our way to an event. My son must have been embarrassed though because he at least mentions he is cleaning when I speak to him and when he is home he keeps his childhood room spotless. :)