If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

Ignore, their house, their rules, they can tidy as and when they choose

Sorry, this is excuses. It takes no effort to put a arts & crafts mat down to cover any spillages. A nice apron to cover the child. Things can be done at the table or outside in the sun.

If your house is a shithole its because you dont tidy up. Not because you have children.

Where did I say I was methodical and practical ? I wouldn’t say I was.

Try not to insult people just because the person is trying to see things from another’s point of view.

Did your mum ever say anything like my house my rules to you? I would repeat that sort of thing and remind her you are adult and if she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t have to come round.

Your Mum was very rude and completely out of order. You don’t live in squalor, you aren’t hoarding. You don’t having DC that you are forcing to live inappropriately so she needs to keep her mouth shut.

You need to say something assertive. Perhaps “I’m very disappointed that you felt your comments yesterday were acceptable just because you’re my Mum. If you disrespect my choices in my life or home again you won’t be welcome inside my home”.

None of your business … not your house.

My adult child is generally tidier and cleaner than me (or rather her Dad who is a nightmare) but when I visit friends and I see mess I look at the person and judge is they are in overwhelm. I might say shall we wash up while the kettle boils and then it becomes a joint thing in the kitchen while the kettle is boiling (feels like a short time) and the kitchen sink is then clear. I wouldn't generally raid the hoover or Mop but when I go to the bathroom I might give everything a once over for them if there are cleaning things around. I think I wld be same with DD if that were the case with her too

Depends on the amount of mess ans wether i thought my DD was comfortable with the mess or struggling/unwell and would appreciate some practical support.
In the situation you describe i know it would be out of the norm for my DD(her personality is meticulous and methodical and she wouldnt be doing multiple tasks at once) so id say ,would you like me to help tidy/clean?
i wouldn't berate her though.
Have you communicated to your DM that you are happy with the degree of mess and that its your way of doing things in your own home?

I would have the house locked so nobody could pop in spying unannounced. You cannot relax if you feel someone will just pop in. For family I try to keep them to the hall and sitting room which is always tidy.

In your case I would ignore all phone messages and doorbells, and pretend I didn't hear.

Ignore post.

As the mother of adult children, I'd say the state of their home is not my business. Houses are for living in. Your mum should be glad you have a busy life with lots of interests. If she has a habit of overstepping your boundaries, might be best to meet up elsewhere.

I would say do you want me to do anything to help you.

well she wouldn't be being invited over again for a while......is she always like this or was it a one off?
Always "Mum this is my place and I will have it how I want it"
One off "Mum you seem on edge, its there anything wrong?"

You've said that it would "drive you a bit off the hinge to see someone doing more things at once". And than compared "methodical and practical" with "appear chaotic".

Your post implies you are on the side of doing things one by one.
And it implies that the one-by-one doers would consider they way methodical and practical.

True, you haven't explicitly connected those two points about yourself.
Anyway, my point is that words like "methodical and practical" in this context are often used more as judgmental than factual, because if you look into it practically, smart interlacing can be more practical and using more method than finishing one thing before starting the next one.

OP, I do the same. As I look around now, I have got a pile of laundry waiting to go upstairs when I go, a kitchen full of houseplants awaiting the delivery of a new windowsill drip tray tomorrow, I am doing life admin on my laptop and answering emails and a few other odd bits waiting to be done like bringing recycling downstairs to put in the wheely for collection tomorrow...oh and some ironing which I will do as last job of the day before I shower.
personally I don't think it matters how she treats others, that's up to them to deal with, but you are not a child and she isn't allowed to dictate how you run your life or your home. If she doesn't like it, she needn't visit.

I would think "oh dear, like mother, like daughter".😂

I would want to know if she was OK or getting a bit overwhelmed with stuff, and depending on her responses, I would want to find out if there was anything I could do to help.

No judgement and no shaming. But we both have adhd and struggle with that kind of shit, so it would be wildly hypocritical for me to be anything other than supportive.

OP you have my sympathies. My lovely mum has passed away but she would forever pick up on the smallest things, like the fact that no one had hoovered the communal stairs in our flat or whether the front of the microwave had smudges on it.

She was a cleaner so her attention to detail was incredible. My partner and old housemates would be bemused at me frantically hoovering and scrubbing before her arrival, hoping to evade some comment (there was ALWAYS a comment).

My daughter lives in basically a mess, l say nothing just clear a chair and have a chat, she dosent care about cleaning really, its very messy, however not filthy, she does clean bathroom, wipe workspaces, but maybe just when she knows I'm coming. but no children to be worried about so l ignore it, l cant be cleaning for her , l spent years sorting out her room and cleaning, no idea why shes like this, her brother total opposite, his place always clean and tidy.

You've done a massive post here justifying your 'mess', and missing the very crucial point that its your fucking house and if you wanted to live in filth (which you're clearly not!) then thats your choice.

I've carefully trained my DM out of this over the years, but she does still slip back occasionally. I would push back every time -

There's washing in your conservatory! Yup, thats where i put it. MY washing is in MY conservatory.

Your laptop is on the table!
Yup, I'm using MY laptop on MY table.

You have flies in the house!
Lucky its my house not yours then.

All need to be said in an emotionless voice with full eye contact. You may wish to twitch an eyebrow to convey she's stating the bleeding obvious.

However i feel youre not ready for that level of rebellion, so really you just need to know -
Mum, can i just have you pop round to visit, or do i need to drop everything I'm doing and get the house pristine before you get here? Because if so I'll have to invite you much less and i dont want to do that.

I'm a mum with recently adult children who are at home and I would not say ONE WORD if their home was mildly messy like this. I don't believe in saying anything about their messy bedrooms either - although I sometimes can't help myself from raising my eyebrows in a pointed fashion...
Set boundries. If it happens again, cut her off straight away. "My house, my rules...not interested in your opinion thanks..."

My mother is exactly like this, on top of my step-fathers bizarre and narcissistic behaviours. It's very controlling, dictating, aggressive, and OCD behaviour when it comes to cleaning...amongst other aspects of my life. I'd had enough this once, during a time when I was ill I went no-contact for a very long time. I finally stood up for myself.

Taking the first step to a boundary is the hardest part, but it becomes easier once you do finally stand up for yourself, you start to do it more often. It's almost like they feel embarrassed for some future fantasy situation where someone might see your home and associate you with your parents. It's bizarre behaviour! This is what the Mrs Hinch society has turned people into. People need to relax and stop looking for rich show homes, wherever they go.

Don't feel the need to justify yourself, just tell her she is more than welcome to not come to your home.

Truth is OP, you are not going to stand up for yourself, because even if you half heartedly argue back, you always let her win, the time to effectively handle it is in the moment, and instead your relationship immediately reverted back to mum and little girl needing to be told off, if that is the norm, nothing you can say now will get her to see your point of view.. in fact your silence this morning means to her that you have reflected on your behaviour and learned from it, it is obviously a pattern, which will be very hard for you to break out of unfortunately.

IMO the only solution would be to cancel your walk together and immediately ask her to leave, no arguments, no getting into it, no 'who is right about the mess and who is wrong' as it is completely and utterly irrelevant, it's your mess, not hers. Just a simple, "I'm not in the mood for your criticism so you may as well go home". Then just keep saying no, or ignore her until she leaves.

As an adult you need to train her now, not the other way around, if she wants to keep your company she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut about things which are none of her business.

My DD was living alone in uni accommodation one summer. It was a thundering mess. I helped her clean up and took her laundry because I could obviously see she was overwhelmed and needed a dig out.

I have ADHD and at 52 have had a life long experience of my mum berating me over my chronic inability to tidy up/keep tidy. Her last visit was the first time she actually retained from making snarky comments or offer to help/start tidying even though the house was definitely not tidy (I had done my best but I'm drowning at the moment) and it was the first time I did not feel horrendously stressed. Let adult children be. They don't need the extra stress of knowing they are judged. Trust me we know our place is a mess and that we could do better but for some of us the mountain is too big to climb... If we want help we will ask for it 🫂

I think it depends if you think it’s a problem. My house is never 100% tidy. There is normally some dishes waiting to go in the dishwasher. Some washing around. Kids toys out. But I have a cleaner and it’s always clean. My brother also has a cleaner but his house is a total mess. It’s always been like that and it’s just the way he lives. I don’t think our mum would say anything as she knows it’s just how he is. But if it was a health hazard then she would.