If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

I would help but say nothing. I wouldn't reorganise cupboards though, my mum did that and it was blinking annoying.
Latterly she would moan about how untidy it was without helping. That's worse than nothing!

Yep. My version of mess is completely different to my mother's. She hoovers 3 times a day!

I had this issue and Im 52 and shes 76!!!! I tried everything - humour, gentle talk, going nuclear, a firm email, getting my DB to talk to her. The only thing that worked was recently I lost my shit and said she wasnt allowed at my house anymore. She doesnt do it with my DB's only to me. Its a boundary crossing thing, and I dont get why. I dont think they do either really. Anyway, recently she stopped and apologised. She said she is aware that Im right she doesnt do it with my DBs and she knows she mustn't do it but she finds it hard, because she is 'closer' to me (her words).

I think it is worth really having it out with her. Draw your line in the sand. Im not even going to ask you how old you are because its irrelevant. Just tell her, 'This is my home, how I live is not up for discussion, you will not be welcome here again if you speak to me that way'. Then step back.

Depends on the mess.
I would say something if it looked like they were struggling and needed my help
Otherwise, their mess, their problem.

Don't let her in your house again if that is how she behaves. My mum might think things were a mess but she wouldn't say it. She would just empty the dishwasher, or put the hoover round and I would be very grateful.

Your mum had no right speaking to you like that, and it shows that she still views you as a child to be told off for making a mess.

Even if it is a total shit pit, it is your house and your right to live as you choose whether she likes it or not.

Well I’ve gone over in the past and helped clean tidy but asked if that was ok and not overstepping as he has a partner so it’s tricky and I don’t want them to feel judged. Definitely we have different standards now and I recognise it’s there house and they have other priorities (I have encouraged them to get a cleaner). If I’m staying looking after the dog etc and they’re away I’ll do a deep clean of the kitchen mainly to avoid food poisoning😂. My DH refuses to stay with them now as he can’t stand it but to be honest it sounds way worse than you. Can you still meet but go from her place? I wouldn’t let it spoil your relationship it’s just different lifestyles and her letting go a bit but she shouldn’t be making you feel bad, maybe have a chat if you can.
Definitely no shouting!

It’s none of my business, I would only comment if a genuine heath hazard. I have been in one house in my life that was a health hazard, filthy floor water that had been left in a bucket for days, unwashed food plates everywhere, piles of stuff on the floor that you had to wade through, I always declined food there and would try and doge even a drink. It was a friend, she used to say it’s a mess. I always used to reply if you want a hand l can help. She used to say about getting rid of stuff and I used to say well I have a car so can take you to the charity shop or tip. She was a hoarder really.

My mother always brought cleaning clothes, brillo pads and her apron with her when she came to mine.

When I go to my son's I feel quite at home in his mess.

Yes, my mum constantly hoovers or gets her dustpan and brush out multiple times a day, it is just her and her husband, she doesn't have anything to clean.

She has always been like this it was quite stressful growing up in.

i would not react at all
apart from perhaps do the washing up if they wanted

I’d ask if they’re ok and I would get stuck in helping them. If this was out of the norm I’d be concerned and would want to sit them down and talk after we’d sorted it. If they have form for continuously living in a tip and I knew it was laziness and not something else going on then I’d be disappointed in them and encourage them to take pride in their home and how much better they’ll feel being in a clean and tidy space.

Sounds like my mother. In January she came to stay with me while I got a hip replaced. While I was in hospital, so one maybe two days post major surgery, she starts going on about how she's called some people to come and do my garden the following week when, you know, my movement still going to be majorly restricted... yes, garden needed doing. Pain had prevented me getting out there. It didn't need to be done right there and then - I was off work for another 6 weeks. Well, after decades of enduring what you had happen, I lost my shit - politely of course. I told her to stop criticising me and picking fault because things aren't the way she wants. Yes, garden needed to be done but it will be done when I'm good and ready. Gave it 10 minutes and apologised a little as I know she was trying to be helpful but it came across as criticism. She said she didn't know how to bring it up. I said she could have said "I know you've been struggling to get around and couldn't do the garden, would you like a hand organising someone to come and give it a tidy up while you're off work?" That's non judgemental. She said she didn't think of that...

I've lived by myself for years. I always got the snide comments on either yard needed mowing or inside wasn't perfectly spotless. Now she's by herself (dad passed away a few years back) she constantly goes on about how hard it is to maintain everything by yourself - inside, outside, car needs tyres etc etc I'm like yeah, tell me about it.

This. This morning's mess after getting the kids to school or last week's mess and a lack of hygiene? There's a big difference.

Offer to help but don't just wade in. Its their house. Berating them won't help, better to sit and have a coffee so they can tell you if there's a problem.

I could have written this.
Their mess, their problem.
I don't help with their housework. Not because I don't want to interfere, but because I don't want to.
I do know for a fact that if I commented, I'd be told to mind my own business. And rightly so.

I like to remind my mother that she didn't like it back when her own mother regularly (and MIL) commented on the 'state' of her house. Somehow she suddenly gets a lot more sympathetic and helpful!

Meet her at the park for a walk next time, don't let her in if the house is a mess, in her reality. I wouldn't say anything, but meetings would be more formal and prepared for in future. Treat her like a non related visitor that you have to impress, not your mother who should take you as she finds you.

Goodness knows what her reaction was about, but it was nothing to do with you.

If she can usually handle an adult conversation/feedback/your reality even if it differs from hers, I would perhaps bring it up on another walk.

If she's generally difficult, I just wouldn't bother, and manage your boundaries as you see fit in future.

I offer to help. Either by taking the dgc out or doing washing up/hoovering/washing etc.

If dc say no I do nothing. It’s not my home.

who the fuck has a basket of ironing these days !?!?

I love the sound of your garden nature reserve! Your home, your mess, your schedule for sorting it - an interfering and judgy mother would really rile me too.

It's just the way I prefer to do things. I can't garden constantly as sieving soil and breaking up ground makes my back ache after a while. So I have to take breaks. The laptop being open on the documents and pages I am working on means I could come in and spend 15-20 mins doing that, rather than sit in the garden doing nothing whenever I needed to break off.

If I had have got to a point with the garden where I was done for the day, I mightn't have felt like starting to cook, but the fact that I'd done everything that could be done (i/e the seitan was steeping, oven things were in oven, beans were soaking) I could then be free to get on with my other work and once I had come in from the garden, I had bits to finish off rather than having to start everything. So that's three jobs with a huge dent in them rather than one finished. The garden is right next to the kitchen where my cooking and laptop were, it may have not worked so well was the kitchen at the other end of the house, or my laptop in my office. If that makes any form of sense! 😆

I wouldn’t be able to tell you where my iron is - I think it was a Covid casualty.

I have visited my child when the place hasn’t been perfect and it makes me happy to gently help restoring some order and I remember my mum doing the same for me and I was very appreciative.

I would roll my eyes at the mess, but would not comment on the state of another person's home. Nor would I start doing housework. I have enough to do in my own home.

I would say to your Mum - I am an adult this is my home and I will live in it as I see fit. If you cannot respect it’s my home and my life then maybe you need to not visit until you can.

Your Mum was totally out of order.