If you have adult children, how would you react if you went over to their house and it was a mess?

[Sherryandbright]

Would you ignore, none of your business, or start shouting and berating them and refusing to do the activity you'd planned until you'd tidied things up?

Or say 'Bloody Hell, It's a mess in here,do you want some help?

Or something else?

I am just trying to gauge what is within the realms of 'normal' in this situation!

I dont go to my DD's house because it is a shithole. I have told her, she isnt bothered. C'est la vie.

Honestly? If you know she is likely to react like this, it might have been better to say you were too busy to go for a walk with her in the middle of the day.
Of course YANBU - it’s your house and you can do as you please, possibly excepting living in dangerous squalor, which you are clearly not. It actually sounds as if you were having a very productive day getting on with various tasks. I think you need to set a boundary with your mother as she doesn’t have any right to criticise you in your own home.

I knew after reading the OP that it would be the DD with an overbearing mother.

You're not in the wrong OP, the way she behaved is completely unacceptable.

I get it, as I have relations who are similarly OCD about cleaning and I hate having them over. I'm not a slob by any means but I don't have the place absolutely pristine 100% of the time as I have a life. It's clean and reasonably tidy and that's good enough.

YADNBU.

"Mum, you were really rude the other day. It's none of your business if I have the laptop in the kitchen, and if you want to come over on a casual basis, the house is not going to be guest-ready. It's not rational to see that I'm in the middle of several messy tasks and then complain about the mess. If you expect me to have everything perfect and pristine for you, I'll plan for that and you can come over on days when I'm not doing anything else."

My family has a policy of just helping out with anything that needs doing, whether you ask for it or not! We are not the type of people to shout at each other, either.

I personally would hate for guests to see my house dirty, so I do frantic cleans before people come over, no matter how awful I'm feeling. My mother has said, "I come to see you, not how clean your house is, so don't worry about it", but... I can't let it go! It has to be immaculate if I'm expecting guests. Admittedly, this can be tricky as I have pets!

I wouldn’t. They’ll come to expect it

Nah. @Sherryandbright
I wouldn't be having any of that!
Its beyond rude of your Mum to go off like that. I'd not be having her round again.
If your home is so unsatisfactory to her I'd just meet up in the park.
(The arriving early is a weird power play also... 5mims is fine. 20mins is a dick move meant to put you on the back foot)

Perhaps she was more disturbed by your doing several things all at once. Rather than doing one thing at a time and completing it.

You will always be a child to your parent. And strangely they find it hard to let you age. I guess because it ages them if they do. So they might relate to you as if you are younger than you really are. And that you might need help. Which is very irritating.

But rather than berating you I think I would have been astonished that you were trying to do many things all at once. That would drive me a bit off the hinge, as I think it may have done your mother. But it has come out all as berating. If she is the sort of person who is methodical and practical seeing someone who by comparison appears chaotic can be a bit disturbing.

Who the hell would start "shouting and berating"? That's nuts and I would expect to get kicked out for that totally controlling and ridiculous behaviour.

My son is in a shared house right now, so not ideal, but the area is perfect for his job. The bathroom gave me the heebie jeebies so I casually said I can bring round my lovely new Method cleaning stuff next time I come round.

Mother is that you?

My house is usually unacceptable. Im a disabled single parent to a disabled child. No other parent involvement and recently lost all respite.
I find it adds to my shame and inadequacy when my mother or friends do this sort of thing. I actually need proper sustainable support and understanding not that sort of intervention.

I would ask if they needed any help and also start cleaning. Already did this with DS at uni.

“If I do say something to her, I don't really know what, or how to say it.”

you tell her that if she speaks to you like that again, she’s not coming round again.

I’ve had to have words with my parents when I was younger. They need telling. it wasn’t a tidy house issue, it was that they came round and I told them about my new job, and they told me a whole list of problems they could see (but then later admitted it was the best job for me and actually what they were saying was total shit).

My mum still requires a lot of management at fucking 87. If you don’t tell your mum now, she’ll get worse and worse.

Depends why. My youngest DS is mid 20s. His house is often a bit of a mess when we go round. That being said he is busy either enjoying life or working. No big deal. If you have a DD or DIL who is struggling with DC and sleepless nights I would turn up with two casseroles (one for the freezer one to eat when she is ready). I would also (if allowed do the washing, ironing and some cleaning.

My dad comes in takes the piss out of how much of a mess it is tidies up and rearranges everything (not a fan of the rearranging i can never find anything). The other day he found the carnage under the sofa which was the one place i didnt want him to see 😂 but he was at home looking after my youngest so just finds it 😂

Help them if thry wanted it or Ignore.
Worse when they come to yours and say its a mess!

This is how I see it, but I was fine to go for a walk and it is more pleasant with company sometimes. It was only to be a short walk nearby. I was happily being productive yes, and I do need to set a boundary as I do not want this happening again.

To those who've said has it happened before, sort of but only small comments, nothing near what happened yesterday. I was okay with her saying the odd thing but yesterday crossed a line and I feel that I need to say something. I did say something along the lines of 'You wouldn't do this to anyone else!' and she said that she didn't have to as nobody's home was as bad. My Sister is much tidier than me but she also hasn't worked full time for decades and has a husband and a much larger house. I've always been on my own and always worked full time which I do think makes a difference.

I wouldn't berate anybody. Life is hard these days and people get overwhelmed. I would try to help if I could. Just as I help my mum to sort and clean sometimes.

I’d get stuck in to whatever needed done and I’d also ask if they were struggling and needed a help regularly.

This is a regular occurrence for me. My husband and I never comment and just carry on regardless. It is absolutely none of our business. If there was something we saw which we thought was a safety issue for one of our grandchildren (I can’t imagine this BTW) then we’d have a quiet word with our son. There is a line over which one should never cross, if I did cross it I’d expect to be put firmly in my place and I rather think that I would cease to be quite so welcome in my son and DIL’s home.

Just read your updates, op. Most of us learn over the years that our adult children have boundaries over which you do not step. It’s difficult, sometimes, to let go of the ‘I’m the adult’ mindset, when your dc grow up, but absolutely essential. Your Mum evidently still hasn’t been able to move on. What is the dynamic of your relationship? She sounds quite controlling, actually. Did you get used to her being dictatorial during your childhood? Do you find it hard to confront or contradict or argue with her? What about your teenage years - no kicking against the traces?

in the end I said ‘Fine, if it makes you happy I will never work from my OWN kitchen table ever again!'
I don't normally snap but I was quite upset by this point.

If that’s you snapping, op, I don’t think your Mum is going to take the hint. I think you’re going to have to be more robust in your response to this kind of behaviour, especially if it happens regularly. If it was out of the blue, and she’s not normally like that, I’d be wondering why…

I always help my s who is autistic to clean up his flat when I visit. He admits he's a slob, but he does try to do things himself just not very well. He organises his own financals etc but he's no house keeper. 😀

I'm the parent here. Unless she seemed particularly stressed, I'd just accept that was the situation.

Works the other way as well. DD and BF often turn up without letting us know - washing might be on floor waiting to be split into two loads, dirty cat bowls in sink, washing up hasn't been done, paperwork out on table and settee, carpets are due a hoover and bathroom due a clean. If they arrived a couple of hours later, everything (other than paperwork) would probably be sorted and we both realise that.

My kids live the way they want to live. It is absolutely none of my business if I think their house is 'a mess' that's on me. I loathe the way one of my kids hangs out their washing (in my opinion it's thrown at the line and pegged where it falls, and will therefore take twice as long to dry) but I keep my own counsel. I tried to get them to do it properly when they lived at home, they clearly didn't find it necessary.

I do have to bite my lip sometimes, but it's their house, their mess and their choice.

I’d probably just start helping them out by doing a kitchen clean up and general tidy. Then maybe have a word with them over whether they need any help/systems in place. But mine are AuDHD so I accept they may need extra help.

Unless s/he was ill, I wouldn't do anything.
Their home, their problem.