Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

I would politely and kindly ask for the receipt saying something like "This bag is gorgeous and I would love to use it but it is leather, I wondered if I could swap for a non leather version I can use"
Do you think it is signalling disapproval? If so be more bullish, it's ok to kindly push back and say "thanks for the thought, but no thanks"

They are taking the absolute piss not paying attention to this.

Any particular reason your partner can’t say something to them considering they are his parents?

i would be starting to think they are doing it on purpose now to be honest. Yes ask for receipts

Agree, I would do this.
Hopefully they will get the message if you keep doing this every time

I’d ask for the receipt and explain why - again and if they don’t have it just ask her if she would like the bag back to use as you won’t be doing so . You may as well mention the chocolate at the same time . Alternatively get your husband to deal with it maybe they will listen to him .

Wouldn't bother to mention the chocolates, just keep giving them away. Would maybe ask dh to politely mention the bag and explain that it was really thoughtful, but just the wrong material - he could ask if there is a vegan leather version.

How rude! They absolutely know. Is ask for the receipt and I wouldn’t be too grateful either.

Your partner should ask for the receipt so he can change it.

they may listen more coming from him.

I think it's extremely reasonable to ask for the receipts in this situation. You would hate for then to waste their money, right?!

I wouldn't even ask for the receipt. I'd just hand the gift back and say .... thanks but unfortunately I can't use this as I'm vegan ....and say no more.

He is very willing to say something. He has wanted to say something every time they have bought me chocolates but I just say it’s not worth the hassle. They know I’m vegan so must choosing to ignore it for some reason or just don’t think much at all.

If my partner speaks to them, he will tell them they are rude so it will cause an argument. I can’t be bothered with that and I’ll be made out to be ungrateful and fussy. They apologised for me in a restaurant once because I complained when I was given a non vegan dessert after ordering a vegan version of it.

I wonder if she wants the bag for her own use knowing fine that you can’t use it.

Give her vegan cheese for her birthday.

Its difficult to say whether they sre just being awkward, thoughtless or just plain stupid.

@SoFarFromHome , definitely your partner should explain (again) you can’t use either item and ask if it’s possible to return them. Maybe before Christmas he could offer to help them out with ideas for you.
I’m vegetarian and honestly you would think wouldn’t you that such basic information would lodge eventually in people’s heads but I think some people are so set in their ways they just don’t compute. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is so weird. They do UNDERSTAND that being vegan relates to things you wear, not just things you eat, don't they? I mean, I am grasping at straws here but do they just think 'vegan' is another way of saying 'vegetarian'? Doesn't explain the bag but it might explain why they think chocolates with milk in are suitable. Although you've told them, so I can only think that they just don't care.

Let your DH sort it. Otherwise they are wasting their money.

I would say rather than use the word ‘rude’, i would suggest he asks them why they have bought you those presents knowing you’re vegan, as he doesn’t want them to waste their money.

Don't say it's lovely! Tell her bluntly you won't be using a bag made from a dead animal.

You aren't being rude when she has ignored your beliefs for 2 decades.

If it causes an argument that's your partners problem, not yours. He can adopt a nicer tone like other people do!

If you keep putting him off because you're scared of them seeing you as fussy then you'll just seethe and be resentful. Why bother?

"Mum, i see you got SoFar a lovely and generous handbag and chocs. But have you kept the receipt for the handbag? SoFar doesn't use animal products and the handbag is unfortunately leather. Can you or SoFar swap it with the receipt for one just as nice made from faux leather? I know you wouldn't want to get her something she couldn't use xxx"

Sorry why on earth can’t you use the handbag? You won’t be eating it….? I think you’re being very ungrateful personally and should just say thank you and give the chocolates away if you don’t want to eat them. No big deal. I genuinely don’t get why the handbag being leather is an issue?

Let him speak to them.

They’re his parents and they’re being repeatedly rude to his partner of 20 odd years.

They may actually listen to him.

You can’t see why someone who doesn’t use animal products at all wouldn’t use a leather bag?

My DS's partner has Coeliacs. I wouldn't dream of giving her something with gluten in. Not only that I'll always check restaurants and pubs we eat out at have a good selection on offer and will buy Colin the Caterpillar (the GF tastes the same as their 'normal' one) cakes, so much so it's become a tradition for everyone.
I definitely think your in-laws are taking the piss. Start by buying yellow gold and everything you know they'll hate.
Edited to correct spelling mistakes because I'm an eejit.

Please don’t bother replying to posts like that. I deliberately didn’t post on AIBU to avoid those sorts of responses.

Have you seriously not heard of vegans not using leather before??

This is tricky but I'll always be reminded of an old neighbour of ours as this is VERY similar.

MIL didn't like DIL , in fact I'm sure of it. DIL was a well known and fully fledged vegan for 10 years and went to all the protests and whatnot. Do you know what MIL bought them for their 5th anniversary? A leg of lamb