Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

Obtuse, thoughtless, not thinking or trying to convert you.
Either way, sodding ridiculous

Husband to ask for receipts
If not forthcoming, he is to tell her she is to expect them to both be regifted at Xmas. And stick to it.

I am sorry this is happening to you repeatedly.

Apt username award goes to...

Probably all of the above.

🍿

Keep the leather bag and when she asks why you're not using it, remind her you're vegan and can't use it so have given it to a charity shop or re gifted or sold it . In reality Stick it in a box under the stairs and when she kicks up a fuss give it back to her. If she doesn't kick up a fuss then sell the bag and use the money to buy her a vegan bag for her birthday.

It's really not fair that you have to put up with their ignorance - because that is what it is.

I would let DH speak to them and return the bag and chocolates. If it causes an argument remember it is not you that has caused it but them - not DH or you.

No one can be that old and doddery to not understand after 20 years that their DIL is (still) vegan.

Just ask for the receipt for the bag and pass chocolates on to someone else - if their feelings get hurt then tough , they deserve it

Yes they are being ridiculous. I hate when people are 'generous' with something they know you don't want because they want to change you somehow, and then accuse you of being ungrateful if you speak up. You need to return it but to keep relationships happy I'd be thankful and apologetic for the inconvenience. Maybe 'I'm really surprised you forgot again!' could be thrown in the mix too.

They are rude people. Very passive aggressive. Say something politely. What a waste of money and you get no nice presents.

Return them with a card saying you are vegan so don’t eat milk nor wear leather. Don’t say anything else and if they don’t apologise of their own accord do allow dh to savage them if he feels like it.

20 years is an absolute piss take.

Next birthday just match her energy… some blingy yellow gold jewellery should do it.

I think your DH needs to offer to go with his mum to return the bag and find something you'd like.

I would pass both bag and chocolates to your partner and ask him to go to his parents, hand them back and explain yet again why they are so totally inappropriate as presents for a vegan. He might want to add that he's started to wonder whether they are doing it on purpose, as actually you are starting to get a bit upset that they keep on ignoring what they've been told.

Eta: sorry, for some reason I misread and thought you hadn't officially received it yet! Taken out the bits that were nonsense...

This is definitely the time for their child to say 'why on earth have you bought SoFar something made out of a dead animal?!' and I would put it exactly like that, I'd not say leather.

They sound like they're making a point tbh. No one consistently buys a vegan animal products by accident. Law of averages says they'd accidentally buy something vegan occasionally!

I think it depends on whether they are thoughtless/forgetful, or whether you think they are trying to make a point and 'catch you out'.

So a beautiful leather bag that you can't 'resist' using - and when they see you using it will believe you were not genuine all the other times you refused things?

Either way you shouldn't just ignore it.

If you think they are just clueless/forgetful then I suggest you be the one to approach it. I'd do a gentle ask for the option to change the bag and let them know you will give the chocolates to DH as you can't eat non-vegan sweets.

If you suspect the latter and they are trying to test you, then I would send DH to sort it.

You'd think, wouldn't you ..

They sound weird. Maybe they secretly hate you.

@Foolish1984 by name and by nature? 🤷‍♀️

@SoFarFromHome They're just wasting money.

Definitely have your husband explain...again.

They're either totally thick or dismissive. I would return both gifts to them and just explain you are unable to use them. Or sell the bag and donate the money to the Vegan Soc. and put the chocs in the foodbank collection.

Do you know what leather is?

I think they're regifting. Regift it back. Maybe you can have a leather handbag going between you for 20 years. That would be better for the environment than a new plastic one every year.

This.

It happens for me too OP. 25 years vegan and even before that I was 'vegetarian enough' to not use leather. It's horrible.

It's unfathomable really that they'd rather spend their money on things someone doesn't want and that goes against their ethical principles, when they could far more easily buy something that person would appreciate. You obviously spend time with the family so other than this issue, you like one another? Bonkers.

I was given a cashmere scarf once. Must've cost 100s of pounds. I'd have preferred they spent a fraction of that on something I'd actually appreciate and use. Depending on long term outcomes, I would sell the handbag. Perhaps donate some of the £ to an animal charity if it helps.

Sell it and buy yourself something you would actually like

their behaviour is so weird, honestly, I don’t get it

You don't understand why vegans don't want accessories made from dead animal skin? Really??

It's pure passive aggression. I wouldn't return the bag to them or say anything. Sell the bag and buy a vegan friendly one. If they ask about it, tell them why.