Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

Start buying MIL yellow gold everything and buy FIL nothing but alcohol. Maybe they will think twice or saying something and give your DH the chance to be as rude as they have been for 20 years.

They sound like they would give you chocolates without checking after being told you're allergic to nuts. You could have a dairy allergy for all they know.

This. Twenty years. Clearly a close relationship. Shopping etc.

Not ok. Just unkind.

So by not making a fuss of prior chocolate gifts they probably think that chocs are fine or that you dont care. So I'd drop the chocolate issue.
On the leather, maybe they thought it was vegan leather or maybe they ddidnt quite absorb what vegan means. Either way I think graciously returning it to say "I am at grateful for this gift but cannot use it due to leather, would it be possible to get a gift receipt to exchange for a vegan one" would be fine

I agree.

Hi OP’s DMIL 👋🏼

Genuinely? Really? Goady? More likely

They know what they are doing. I would let your partner deal with his crazy family. If there is an argument, it’s of their own making. Your partner is right, they are rude.

Sometimes a poster’s username is just so perfect for them.

Let your partner deal with his horrible parents. He should give them back the bag and the chocolates and tell them why, and tell them that it would be better to not give you anything at all than to give you things that clash with your veganism like this. Let him stand up for you and let him choose to go no contact with them if they persist in this insulting behaviour towards his life partner. I can't believe this is accidental, they actively want to communicate to you how irrelevant and unimportant everything about you is to them.

Let your partner sort out his rude mum. She knows exactly what she is doing.

I can only assume you’re joking. The alternative is that you’re stupid.
I eat meat, wear leather and drink milk. My best friend doesn’t. She’s vegan, so I wouldn’t expect her to.

Let your partner tell them they’re rude because they are.

There is no way I would say thank you.

I was going to say the same thing, they live among us!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One of the most stupid comments I've come across on here. Sorry OP I know you don't want people to reply to them, but wtf.

To be honest as they’ve spent a lot of money I would assume they just don’t get it. Why would they spend that much just to be awkward?
Ive been teetotal for 30 years and my husband has a cheese allergy and a dairy intolerance and the amount of people who have known us for years who buy us things like that as presents is quite frankly ridiculous and that includes family. I think a lot of people just don’t take that much notice of other people. I know my mother in law just buys her daughters and daughter in laws exactly the same thing in different colours.
i would just give it away or stick it on Vinted.

Oh dear...you could look to understand what being a vegan means ...you are already on the Internet

To be fair some people eat a vegan diet to exclude meat and dairy but aren’t doing it for ethical reasons so still eat honey, wear leather, cashmere etc.

After 20 years? Its no longer a mistake, its an active choice to give shitty gifts.

But if she’d read the OP, she would see that OP said she didn’t use leather. The poster was being goady and made themselves looks foolish, like their username.

I think you've already worked out they are doing it on purpose. The question is how to deal with it.

Personally I'd want to reduce contact to the bare minimum, and let your partner tell them why. Accept and give no gifts either. Appreciate its not always that easy though.

You sound like a lovely person. No way would I have your tolerance for their BS!

Then you don’t understand what being vegan is

Your husband seems to have an opinion on this, so maybe he should be the one to speak to them. If I thought my parents were being rude to my partner then I'd say something. Less awkward for partner if it comes from their own child.

Surely they are doing this on purpose? Regardless your husband should be the one who says something in my opinion especially if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.

I was diagnosed with dairy allergy and lactose intolerance as a teenager when living with my Mum. Later in life I married someone with a nut allergy.

My father continued to serve up or gift dairy and nuts with a 'surely you can just...' attitude for decades. It wasn't until I started throwing stuff straight in the bin with an over-dramatic flourish, right in front of him, that he finally got the message.

Veganism isn’t just about food and diet. It’s a lifestyle.