Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

It does seem like they're doing it on purpose now. Your dh needs to have a word with them. If they insist on buying you leather then I would just sell them on. Even if they don't agree, they should be buying you gifts YOU want, not gifts they think you should want.

Just says it’s not to your taste and ask for the receipt so you can exchange it for something that you’ll use. Also return the chocolates with a polite “I can’t eat these as I’m vegan and chocolate contains cows milk but if you’d like to get me chocolates another time then my favourite one is ….” And rinse and repeat every time.

Either get DP to give it back but explain to him emphatically that he's to do it politely and not make a row.

Or

Say absolutely nothing and give it away, but take up buying MIL gold coloured (not gold) jewellery from Argos for every gift and find a similar unwanted gift for FIL.

I am very sure they know by this point after 20 years. There will be a reason. It'll either be to make a point about veganism, or just general spite. How's your relationship with them more broadly?

who cares if it does cause an argument? What's the worst that could happen?

it's good your husband is on board, often on here the DH's are terrified of upsetting their parents and urge their wife to let it go, so it's good to read of a DH with a spine! As long as he's happy to I'd thankfully let him address it with them however they choose - sounds like he could even say honestly that you wanted to let it go but HE is unhappy at the rudeness and lack of respect and consideration, so they can't call you ungrateful or whatever.

It's all very well to not want to make a fuss but this has been going on for TWENTY YEARS - if you don't say something you'll have to just accept that you will keep on getting unusable presents and funny looks in restaurants until all his family are dead, which could be another thirty years! Which is your decision but I think you have to accept that it IS a decision and therefore let it go from now on - no comments to your partner or moaning or anything. It's not fair to him to complain about it but also not let him take any action.

Perhaps your husband needs to be more proactive and suggest some more suitable gifts , nice vegan sweets , toiletries and handbags . They might be better with specific gift suggestions .

I don’t believe they are forgetful so I suppose they are either rude and dismissive of my choices, trying to catch me out or don’t like me as people here have said.

I will talk to my partner and see if he will explain and ask for the receipt without calling them rude.

I wonder whether the fact that they've given you chocolate many times and you haven't said anything means they think you've eaten them and you're not that bothered?

Your husband needs to ask them why they hate his wife

What a waste of an opportunity to buy Monty Bojangles. Those things are lush. I'm not vegan!

You know them. Are they like someone who just genuinely doesn't get it-if it's not meat it's fine? Being stupid isn't a crime, and if they're otherwise loving, don't let it upset you.
If not, say Maggie and Alf, don't you remember me saying I'm vegan? And that you can check labels if in doubt before buying me a gift? I don't want to seem ungrateful, but how would you feel if I got you....

This is deliberate. I think your partner should speak to them and be blunt about it too.

Can you say something like "I really like the bag, but it's a little bit too big for me to use everyday. It's also leather which I don't use as I'm vegan. Do you have the receipt so I can exchange it?". I think if they did have a 'gift receipt' they would have put it inside the bag, so it's unlikely they have it - BUT at least you've made the point again and hopefully you can give them the bag back. You could also add in "I know it's quite difficult to find vegan products, so if it's easier, I could let you know an item that I like?".

Or, how would they take the idea of a joint gift card between you and your Partner? Then you sort something between yourselves.

This reminds me of someone I used to work with, her Parents bought a leather sofa so she fell out with them over it. I never found out what happened next.

They are intelligent people and it’s been talked about when they’ve offered me chocolate and sweets many times so I’m sure that they get it.

I would have just handed them right back. "thank you, you have obviously spent a lot of money on these, but i can't use them. Did you keep the receipt"

It sounds like they are being very deliberately nasty. They cannot possibly not know that milk chocolate/leather isn’t ok with you. I’d let your husband have a word. It doesn’t even need to be anything about you - it’s clearly very antagonistic/disrespectful to give this sort of stuff to a long time vegan.

have they handed the stuff over to you already? He could give it all back to them.

and probably adopt a no gift policy in the future. Sounds like an expensive and wasteful process.

Either a) she is rude and doing it deliberately b) doesn’t actually know what vegan means c) has dementia and can’t remember you’re vegan

I think they are rude as fuck tbh.

I think it is time to take a hard line, this is really passive aggressive. They cannot possibly have forgotten and must be doing it on purpose at this point.

I'd hand it back and ask for a token, if they want to gift you something in future.

I think you need to let DH stand up for you. You keep being very passive about it, but they’re being extremely rude and obviously think your views are silly or something to keep ignoring your wishes.

I would ask him to have a calm conversation with them. I put a lot of thought into presents and genuinely can’t understand people who gift presents for the sake of it.

It's about time he told them to stop being passive aggressive and deliberately rude tbh.

No one is this stupid by accident.

They don't like you.

OP you can’t control how other people behave so, if they harp on that you’re u grateful let them, and you just say it’s a shame you feel that way but I’ve said many times I am vegan.

I think they’re being extremely rude and disrespectful of your views and therefore if your DH does want to say something and it causes an argument so be it!

I’d get my husband to ask for the receipt to change for something vegan.

Incredibly rude. I would let your DH deal with it. I'm surprised at your passivity tbh. I think the argument needs to be had. Who ignores someone's wishes for 20 years and deliberately buys you things they know you won't need? Very passive aggressive. Let the argument happen

I’m gluten free as it my my rheumatoid arthritis flare. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been glutened by people or been given chocolates as gifts with gluten in them. I just don’t eat them.

Dc had a friend with a dairy allergy. Yes they were given cakes and chocolates. Sometimes you have to realise people aren’t that bright.

Youngest partner is coeliac, their mum said she was so happy that they were coming to a house that understood all about cross contamination and had gluten free products in the house.

Honestly I’d let it go. It’s not going to kill you unlike an allergy. Give the chocolates away and for the receipt for the bag.

I used to be vegan many years ago (over 40) but vegan and gluten free in them days wasn’t so easy. Easier now and a lot of my diet now is vegan. but obviously not always! But actually has been gf & vegan today :)))