Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

Well I for one had no idea about this! Thank you for bring this to my attention.
Do you have a website?

You clearly don’t understand her point of view.

I wouldn't bother. I just wouldn't respond at all, wouldn't thank them or acknowledge the "gift".

Two possiblities, they're thick and can't manage to get it through their head what vegan is, or they're doing it on purpose.

If the first, they will ask about the bag and you can shrug and say "Yeah, can't use it as I am a vegan" and they will say oh dear, so sorry, happily ask for the receipt to exchange it. If the second they will ask about it and you can shrug and say "Yeah, can't use it as I am a vegan" and they will have a shrieking melt down and you can just ignore them.

And if it never comes up you can bin the bag or give it to someone else.

There is a very slim chance they just don't think about it. I had to give up dairy completely for a while and my mum kept on buying me gluten free food, thinking it was the same (she has 2 degrees). Or organic.

When she orders me a coffee she says "decaf oatmilk" over and over as if I have asked her to order in Greek and she is just sounding it out phonetically. I have been like this for 15+ years.

In general don't ascribe to malice what is more likely to be incompetence. Or ignorance.

But for an expensive handbag it is worth at least handing it back.

Why are you pretending not to know the answer to this? You don't really think anybody believes this is a genuine question, surely?

Because as a vegan you don't consume or use anything that involves the pain, suffering, exploitation and slaughter of animals. Leather is made from animal skin. It's not just about food.

You must know that vegans dont use animal-derived products, whether it’s eating them or wearing or using them, such as leather shoes or bags,

I think you do have to let them know. They need to be called out their deliberate passive aggressive anti vegan stance . If they don't want to buy vegan suitable products themselves, then they could give you a voucher instead . Or simply not bother getting you a gift at all if they can't bring themselves to accept your vegan principles, rather wasting their money.

I think you should definitely ask for the receipts because the bag and chocolates obviously hadn't been chosen with you in mind. Hopefully the store will exchange for vegan friendly versions or give you a voucher to spend elsewhere in the shop. . I don't think you can return chocolates , but still with a try . Alternatively you could give them back to them and ask them nicely to exchange them for vegan ones . If they don't have the receipts or are unwilling to deal with exchange themselves , you could try selling the bag on Vinted or use a specialised reseller.

Oh hell yeah I would say something. It is passive aggressive behaviour. They clearly do not agree with veganism. I would ask for the gift receipt for the handbag and ask if they would like the chocolates back. I would also have your husband speak to them. 20 years! Really! Yeah nah

Always one

The bag I understand I wouldn't know what a bag was made off. The chocolates is just rude

They are being dismissive and disrespectful towards you op. Let your dh have a word with them and put a stop to this.

How much did the bag cost, i would exchange it. Keep the chocolates bring them.out at Cheisrmas or donate them to a community raffle. Uf you don't need a new bag give it back to them and tell them again you dont wear or use leather

This^

Your partner is right. This is rude, passive aggressive and almost certainly deliberate. Don’t worry about being polite, grateful or apologetic. Give it back and say ‘you know I am vegan, I can’t accept this, i hope you can get your money back, please don’t buy me non vegan gifts again’. Or better yet, get OH to do it as he seems really supportive.

I’d be tempted to give the chocolates back to them saying I couldn’t eat them as they aren’t vegan….

Sometimes I think people being vegan is about what you eat and it about what you wear, it maybe a lot for them to understand especially if they are getting on a little.

I like someone’s comment to thank them but could you have a receipt to swap for a non animal fabric alternative. I would even suggest things you like and show pictures and importantly brand names that are safe and leave the magazine page open for them to digest and remember.

It can happen with people with lifelong allergies and they get gifts with them.

You dont need your husband to say anything. The gift isfor you. Please may i have the receipt to get something i would use.

I’d expect my partner to have a quiet word.

Do you think they actually know what vegan is . It might be they just see it as an airy fairy word , smile , and carry on as normal . The only other thing I can think is if the gifts are unwanted gifts given to them or reduced or raffle prizes . I can’t think why else this would be ignored .

I would get him to approach it as you are quite hurt they would get you non vegan gifts when they have known you are vegan since they met you

Maybe give them this list to get it into their heads?!
https://viva.org.uk/materials/a-z-of-hidden-nasties-factsheet/

I think if you’re asking the receipt for the bag or giving it back now’s the time to mention the chocolates too. Just give them back or get your partner to say ‘and by the way I eat all the chocolates every boat and Christmas as she can’t eat them!’

They are being rude to you so I wouldn't worry about being rude back.

Did you think they get the leather for bags and shoes without animals dying? How does the process work exactly in your brain?

Apt username.