Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

Yeah. Your life will be so much easier without having to tiptoe around intolerant people like this.
I understand your reluctance to confront or challenge them..but seriously, you wouldn't take this shit from anyone else. They've confirmed they did it deliberately. Shame is on them, nothing you did
You're with their son, not them.
Good luck

They sound like the sort of twats who think that people with allergies are just being fussy and dramatic and will deliberately risk the lives of their grandchildren by ignoring the parents' instructions and feeding them food that could kill them to prove a point.

This!

Totally agree, we all said they knew, it will be a huge jolt now their son has really made the point in no uncertain terms, you have been so tolerant, my ex m in law always bought me coffee themed gifts she knew I hated coffee, turned out she was a bitter old fart who couldn't stand seeing her son happy, ...fast forwards we divorced and the best part was I didn't have to look at her sour face again, I dont suggest that for you of course but not seeing her or putting up with her being totally disrespectful is well worth the fall out!! Enjoy your life, you soooo deserve it , woo hoo!!! X

Yes, definitely premeditated and deliberate. The BBQ I can sort of see, if they're intolerant and arrogant people who see it that a BBQ is sausages and burgers and that's that; but there are so many different things that they could have bought as a present, happening to unthinkingly choose a leather bag would be very unlikely.

What horrid people and now they have chosen to create a massive rift. Intentionally buying things for someone which goes against their values, bloody awful. So disrespectful and shows how little they think of you.

You do realise you can get veggie burgers & sausages & equivalents?

Really, take a look at yourself, you are being very offensive.

I know all about coercive control, and domestic abuse, don;t your dare tell me to expand my knowledge, I have lived my knowledge and getting a non vegan handbag is not abuse, neither is receiving unwanted gifts for years. It is annoying, it is passive aggressive, it is rude,but Op does not live with these people she has options to avoid them she has CHOSEN not to address the situation until now, she is not stuck in a dangerous environment with them. She wont be scarred for life from this event and she won't struggle to trust anyone in the future. She won;t feel trapped and desperate, she isn't fearing for her life or her sanity. Abuse victims have very little choice, \op has many options open to her and is supported by her DH, she is not alone and frightened.

They don't like her veganism, and have said so and demonstrated this, I sympathise, it's rude and unpleasant, but it's not gaslighting, it's not coercive control and it is not abuse,

I could say you are being abusive because you are diminishing the experience of those who have truly been abused, you are gaslighting by insisting that OP's troubles, unpleasant though they are, are a form of abuse, but I won't because words by an entrenched keyboard warrior are something I can easily avoid by hiding the thread, and you are of no importance to me whatsoever. And it is all because rather than being sensible enough to admit you used a totally inappropriate word, you have doubled down, dug your heels in and insisted you are right, even though you are causing distress to an actual abuse victim.

Of course there are different types of abuse, unwanted gifts and no vegan burgers at the barbecue are not one of them. I will not engage with you any longer, it is not worth me reliving my trauma in order to try to persuade a total stranger to have empathy. It is also derailing OP's thread when I fully sympathise with her tricky situation with her in laws.

Thoughts and prayers that you never have to go through the trauma of getting a handbag you don't want.

I think it is a type of emotional abuse. They’ve done things deliberately over a number of years to try to cause me distress and disrespect my boundaries. Knowing these gifts have been given to me deliberately has made me think of other things they’ve done which have been cruel and singled me out, all due to me choosing to be vegan. I’ve let a lot go.

I’d appreciate if you stopped now please. You are being derailing the thread and being unpleasant and I think there has been enough of that already. Thanks.

Some huge rows need to be had, sadly.

I had been going to agree with another poster that from now on you buy her yellow gold jewellery (although I was going to suggest yellow metal-that-is-not-gold), but now it's no-present-at-all-you-twats.

my only question and I mean this nicely but what took you so long?

I'm one of the people who thought it was being done due to ignorance, but I'm afraid the update is really quite upsetting for you OP, and I'm sorry for that. It's controlling and cruel. I'm glad you have a DH who will fight your corner though.

It's so nice to read about a DH behaving this way :-)

My fil threw a hot frying pan at me to wash when I asked my vegi sausage not be cooked after their meat ones...
When I had dd (the first girl after 6 dgs's) mil eagerly told me my gift was in the car.

It was a Tefal frying pan.