How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

If you suspect this… it’s over anyway . Dead in the water.

He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

and presumably you responded

“pray tell why?”

If you love him, so what if you are his retirement plan? Would you rather live in your house alone in your old age?

All you need to do is make sure you don’t take any rent off him so he doesn’t get a claim on the house and your will states clearly who will receive the house (eg your kids/family members) on your death. Take some legal advice to ensure this is the case but I believe this is right. And stay unmarried of course…

If you think you're going to grow old together, then his lack of planning will impact you and his finances so far as retirement planning are your business. Talk to him

He never had anyone dependent on him for their home, preferred never having somewhere to maintain. Financially owning my home was the right decision but on a practical level I can see the appeal of not doing.

Do you have any idea how much he earns?

do you have children? If so, how old?

Does he have a private pension?

I don't really want to share my home with anyone. No.

If it came to it, I expect I would, but that's what concerns me..

How old is he?

No idea, but I have my doubts.

Late 40s. He's lived a really good life, with a couple of equally nomadic long term partners and no DC.

And you have children?

do you love him? Not clearly from your Op

Is he a player?

Pressume that he is privately renting? No council house or anything?

Did you discuss any financial stuff at all, like what will he do in retirement, and is he well set up for it? Do you actually KNOW how he is/will be fixed later in life?

You say his finances are are none of your business, but they will be if you stay together into retirement. I think you might have to ask him what his pension etc. will be and will he still be able to afford to rent on his own, things like that.

I don't think there's anything intrusive about that, provided you are upfront about your own circumstances also.

Or maybe just live for now and enjoy what you've got. If all your finances and homes will definitely remain separate, I don't see how you could be expected to take him in. Discuss it, we don't know.

But you have control over that, it is his responsibility to be able to house himself, you just say “no”.

He earns "enough" to cover his rent, run a nice car, eat out and have holidays etc. I don't know any numbers.

I have adult DC.

Of course I can but as PP says, am I going to see a (possibly) elderly man I love homeless?

No private rentals.

Ok so you have adult DC

For me, that would be enough for me not to be with someone who I suspect may become a financial weight to me in the future

although to be honest I’m really not clear what the issue is given you say you are 100% adamant you will never live with him

You see homelessness as being a possibility?

I honestly can’t see any of my past boyfriends as presenting the possibility of one day possibly being homeless!

He won't be homeless - the state would pay him pension credit if his state pension is not sufficient to cover his basic needs (which it's typically not if one is not a homeowner).

I always think it's best to date someone in your own income bracket.

Having said that, he does sound like a great person to date so why not just continue dating.

Apart from where he'll be able to afford to live in retirement, what will his lifestyle be? If you have a private pension, and a comfortable retirement income you'll be wanting to go places and do things, meals out, daytrips, minibreaks, long haul holidays etc etc. Will he be able to afford to join you? Or will you be covering his costs so you're able to share your life in retirement with the man you love?
If this relationship is going to last you have to talk about the future

I thought I'd tried to explain that. We are both clear we will never live together but if circumstances were such that one of us was homeless, I think it would be very hard to see that happen. I know he'd take me in, but that's less likely to be required.