How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

He's never flirted with you? So are you just friends? FWB but no flirting? All sounds odd.

I'd say it's highely unlikely unless he has addiction problems or something. Most people can at least rent a room, or a share of a room, if push comes to shove. He also sounds like he's used to living quite nomadic so he probably isn't very high maintenance when it comes to accommodation.

And those saying he has 20 years left to earn a pension, that is absolutely no time to build up a proper pension and still have to pay for rent, bills etc. He has left it far too late!

Secondly, not being a homeowner could very much mean he does end up on the streets. Just because you are 60 does not guarantee you anything, and definitely won't in the future! When the housing crisis continues and worsens. An old bloke with no dependents is going to come nowhere on the housing lists and most people are aware of that. He could end up in a hostel or a bedsit is more likely. Less likely if he has the option of getting his feet under the table with a wealthy older woman.

Your poor children will have a fight on their hands of many years in the courts if he manages to win you over op. We have seen thread after thread of terrible outcomes like this.

Stay as you are! Don't, on any terms let him believe he can move in....Why spoil what you have? Living together is not the same as dating....

You need to have that conversation then.

If one looked at it in a purely financial, some might say ruthless way.
If he doesn't/hasn't make provisions for his retirement (and in his forties there's still time) and presumably you have saved or made some financial sacrifices to be able to retire early.... then that is quite an unequal situation to be in. ... if he has just spent now to have a good life now, with no thought for the future and just expects that he will be with someone who did have all the bother of home ownership compared to the freedom of renting. Then that is also unequal.

How you deal with that information, if the two options are as far apart as that, is up to you.

Hopefully he has made pension provisions... and still has time to improve them.

I'm guesing you are thinking of this in a good way, because you see yourself ending up together and growing old together.

OP I think you are worried that he has a plan - for both your futures, together in YOUR home when the time comes.

If that is your concern and it seems to be, then you really do need to sit down and discuss finances, pensions, the future, how he sees it, where he will live and so on.

It is basic stuff, and honestly if you are not comfortable about raising these things even gradually over time, well then how close are you both really? TBH his reaction to you asking about this will tell you a lot.

Well if he moves in and you die first will you have your will stating he can stay until he dies therefore delaying your children’s inheritance whist they still have to legally maintain the house? Bet they will be delighted.

He's not trying to win me over. Afaik he has no more intention of living together than I do. I'm doing the what if thing.

Why would my DC have a fight, even if he did live here? If we're not married he wouldn't be entitled to anything anyway.

Yes I missed that.

OP… it sounds like you might need to post on Relationships

Do you fancy him? Love him? You have avoided answering

Retirement is 20 years off for him. A lot can change in that time, whether in terms of his financial situation or your relationship. It makes sense to talk about long term plans if you see this as a long term relationship but I would avoid catastophising and assuming that a) he'll end up homeless, and b) you'll be the one to take him in.

I have said I love him and yes we have a nice active and satisfying sex life, if that's what you're asking.

Someone asked if he was a player. I've never met anyone less of a player is all.

He could try and make a claim op, despite what he says now and these legal battles are very costly and take years. In that time, he lives in your house rent free whilst the case is decided. If he is living in your house, and you die, he can most definitely stake a claim even if it is eventually refused by the courts. Then there is the small issue of actually having him removed. Squatters rights etc.

Does he work? Does he have a lucrative career? And you have checked that what he says is true in that regard. That would really be a deciding factor for me.

I never buy into the boho narrative that he hasn't bought a house because he doesn't want to be tied down, he could be spending his healthy inheritance now for all you know/we know. If something feels off, then it probably is.

Relying on inheritance for financial planning is also extremely foolish. Who knows what new IHT laws could come into place, even if only briefly, that could wipe out his inheritance? There are enough people not inheriting anything, and tax on school fees has shown the strength of envy politics. Counting any chickens is a fool's passtime.

He'd have a case to contest your will if you'd been financially supporting him in any way including providing free housing to him.

If you do end up living with him and want to exclude him from your estate, speak to a solicitor to get your will and letter of wishes as watertight as possible.

You don’t know.
You dint know if he has a pension and how good or not it is. You dint know if he has some savings or debts.
You say yourself you really know much about his financial situation oart from the fact he always pays his way

I really dint think that’s your issue.

I think your issue is that youre getting cold feet. You absolutely dint want to Luve with him but you’re also realising that it’s likely to happen if you carry in seeing him. Like, why are you thinking about him getting ill for example?

I think your issue is need a discussion with him about where he thinks your relationship is going. What is going to happen if ONE OF YOU is getting ill (it could be you!). Would you be moving in together? Would you just struggle on your own because he isn’t welcome? What about retirement (in 20 years time! A lot can happen between then)

If you don't want to be a provider, that's fine. Tell him. And if he ever does move in: get it in writing he is a lodger and stipulate how much rent / bills he has to pay and that he does not qualify for beneficial interest - needs legal advice. Ensure there is an end date to his lodger tenancy (not a tenant: a lodger). And that you renew each time. Insist on it.

Anything specific making you suspicious he might be using you? Or is it just paranoia?

Or just refuse to let him move in. But to be honest: if this were the other way around, I couldn't imagine wanting to be with a man who didn't care about me enough to 'want' to take care of me and provide for me.

Maybe it's biological but I'd never find a man attractive who refused to share his resources with me. Just go dry instantly. It's not an attractive quality in a man. But I don't date women so who knows if I'd feel the same about a woman behaving like that. I doubt feminism comes into it when talking about love and attraction. Just feel how you feel, don't you.

Anyway. What someone else said: either split or consider if it's okay to share some resources with a man you love and want around.

If you don't want to be his retirement plan then either end it or have a serious conversation with him now where you spell that out to him and see what he says. I agree that if you stay with him and he ends up losing his home then his expectation may well be that you will house him, being as he will be your long-term partner. I suspect most women in that position would expect the same. So bite the bullet and have that conversation - it's important.

As an aside, I have a good friend (a guy) who divorced his wife of 30 years a couple of years ago. He's in his 60s and has always had a steady income, has good savings for retirement, owns his own place, and he and his ex settled their finances and moved on. I asked him if he's seeing anyone and he answered that the difficulty is that a lot of women his age are looking for someone to look after them in their old age and he really isn't up for that. So do you love this man enough to not mind possibly being his Plan B? Or would you rather be single until or if you meet someone who's your financial equal?

So you love him
good sex life
zero intention of living together on both sides

just enjoy it
and get a job to fill your brain because you are bored and finding problems to worry about

I'm probably thinking about him getting ill because DH died at the age he is now (so it's real, not something that might happen in 20 years'time) and frankly nursing him was grueling and not something I'd volunteer for again.

But if I'm to have a meaningful relationship (with anyone) it's a possibility.

does be literally have no one close on his life other than you? No siblings?

Can you answer whether he works? And what does he do roughly?

A brother and his parents.

Yes he works. Something to do with marketing on a freelance basis.

I’m slightly confused as to why you are concerned that he’s going to be homeless in old age?
Lots of people aren’t home owners, pay private rental because they can’t get on the property ladder.
You don’t know about his pensions etc you’re assuming he has no savings?
If he knows he’ll never live with you and your finances will always be separate, I don’t understand what the issue is really.