How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

There is always a risk that an impecunious older man is looking for a Nurse With A Purse.

As long as you don't ever let him move in, you can continue with a modern Situationship, if you enjoy his companionship at this point in your life, which presumably means on a non living together arrangement by agreement.

That said, I had a friend in similar situationship with a working male friend living in tied accommodation, who just announced to her that he expected to move in with her when he retired. So it can happen. I think it depends on whether you love him and want to make future provision for him in your life , or not.

Personally I'd keep emphasizing the situationship arrangements and reinforcing my requirements for complete independence. If he is unhappy that the furtherance relationship is going nowhere, he is free to make his own choices.

I am contemplating ending, or at least recalibrating, a situationship myself , mainly because the very comfortably off man, has a far too frequent tendancy to be overly frugal, he is a bit of a hoarder with accumulated collections of stuff, and expects to hosted by friends and family to save money on holidays meals and accommodation, and had a growing time bandit tendency to boot, stealing more and more of my free time.. I want to some weekends to myself going my garden and other hobbies, and to spend other weekends with my family and my friends, I don't want or need to see him that often. I enjoy his company in dilutable form, and he's moving towards permanent relationship status far more than is to my liking. I don't think it's fair to string him along thinking I'm going to mellow, hence the big conversation is now overdue.

You can’t be sure. You can only stick to what you’ve said. If he needs social or health care, he may get help if he has nobody willing or able to offer it for free. A recently retired friend of mine refused to get married again as she “ doesn’t want an old man to look after!”

Yes, I agree. Be careful you don’t slip
into him taking advantage of you. It can happen gradually - staying one night at yours, then two, then four etc, just because…

He is paying his way while working.

OPs worry is that he might not be able to when he retires. Perhaps he does have a good pension from an earlier career or is banking on a huge inheritance from his parents, we just don't know and nor does OP , hence her concerns about the long term future together..

It’s a tricky one, OP.

Does he enjoy his work? I guess you could ask him about his eventual retirement plans - more in the sense of when he sees himself retiring rather than the size of the pension pot. That might flush out some indication of his future plans without having to be too direct.

Im a worrier so I can understand your concerns. But, remember, you are not tied to this man. Youre free to walk away at any point - so if things are working just now, I might just live in the moment. You know your boundaries in that you dont want to live with him. This is really reasonable especially given your DC - and if he’s a decent man (which he sounds like), he’ll have realised this already. A green flag is it doesnt sound like he selected previous partners based on their financial security.

Well maybe but I can’t imagine paying rent in retirement!

If you’re already talking future plans why not just ask him what his retirement plans are?

as for housing, if you’re in the uk there is no reason for him to ever be homeless, if he’s only got state pension to rely on, and no house, then he’ll get benefits to cover his outgoings and add to his state pension.

Can you not simply ask?
”as you may know my husband died at a similar age to the one you are now, and it’s bringing up some some complicated feelings for me. I know we agreed that we would be completely separate financially, and I’m not wanting to change that but I am really worried about your plans post retirement. For a bit of peace of mind for me could you walk me through your retirement plan?”

you aren’t asking the exact number in his band account just to know that he has some sort of plan

I never cease to be amazed by the number of people who think that if you don't 'own' a house by a certain age there must be something wrong with you.

Firstly, as long as you have a mortgage the bank owns the house, not you.

Secondly, if you don't have kids it really isn't a concern.

People are individuals, and it's often the nomadic types, used to turning on a sixpence, who are better able to deal with crises that can and do happen in life, and as such tend to be more self sufficient.

This man sounds like he has the life he wants and is able to pay for it. There is no evidence at all that he has nefarious plans. OP has known him for years before dating him and reckons he's a good man.

Honestly OP, I don't think you have anything to worry about. His retirement is a long way off and anything could happen in the meantime. Enjoy the relationship and deal with any problems as they arise. You seem more than capable.

Really?

I've been retired since my mid 50s and have been renting a flat for the last year, after I left my DH due to his drinking. Actually, I find it quite nice. I'm in a secure gated community. I have the use of a gym and a pool. There's even a dog park. If I need something fixed or just a lightbulb changed, a phone call sends maintenance to me to take care of it within 24 hours, sooner if it's an emergency. And I never have to pay for any repairs. And lovely landscaped grounds to stroll around in.

Is there insecurity in renting? I suppose so as there's always a chance that rents will increase. But that's a chance I have to take. Even once our marital home is sold and divided I most likely still won't have enough to purchase a home. Property values here have skyrocketed completely out of control since Covid, and this is where my sons and my friends are so I'm not moving to a 'cheaper' area. But you know, even if I did have enough I'm not sure I'd buy whilst I can afford the rent. They take awful good care of their tenants here.

And this is NOT a 'retirement community'.

Oh lord, wishing you luck, @Seajaye. That’s really sad but you are very astute.

He might gain rights in respect of a shared home if he moves in with you, and if the law changes to give live in partners rights , particularly if it's over 3 years living together and he can show a degree of dependency.on you. Take care. I'm sure there will be cohabitation agreements drawn up to cover this risk but keep alert to the issue so you are fully informed, and also not to alarm your adult children. Lots of cases where wills have been changed that has caused upset.

There is a long running thread where a will is being contested by the bf of the lady who had passed away, he's claiming the house should pass to him iirc.
If this proposed living together rights law is brought in no-one will want to risk co-habiting!

The Co-habitation Rights Consultation closes today (Friday 14th) btw.

Please object to this terrible ‘by default’ idea. You can simply email the government office responsible at [email protected]

and say No, not in my name, thanks. The vast majority of women it would affect are in the dark about it.

The OP @800wow says she is aware, but what further government shenanigans lie in store for female homeowners?

He’s 20 years off retirement!
A lot could happen
Stop fretting

That is a super-scary idea. What's the next step - that these rights come into play at some point simply for being in a relationship for long enough? And what defines living together? What about couples who have separate homes but spend more nights together than apart?

I notice there's another scary part of the bill that says just having a child together is enough to force you into all these rights, even if you don't live together.

People should retain the right to begin or end these rights at dates of their choosing by getting married/divorced. Not just slip into it because a certain amount of time has passed.

This Consultation appears really bad news. If couples want shared finances, they have the choice to marry or have a civil partnership. If they dont, the State should assume that they want to keep them separate.

I could have had understood it more in the pre-civil partnership days where some may have been put off marriage by the religious connotations - but that’s been resolved by civil partnerships.

At least the OP here sounds clued up on this proposal from the government, which is heartening.

I’ve seen too many good women getting ripped off by blokes who used them as shaggable cut-price landladies.

I think though the situation for long term unmarried carers who have looked after their partners for years in their shared home is a very difficult one when their home owning partner dies, even if the property is left to them in a will, if the deceased total estate is worth more than £325k, there could be 40% inheritance tax to be paid, which if there are no other realisable assets, means the bereavement partner has not option other than to sell their long term home and downsize. I don't see any harm can come from allowing long term partners in this vulnerable situation the same inheritance tax benefits as legally married or civil partnership couples.

So either you love each other enough that you can have a simple honest conversation with him, ask questions and get/expect honest answers, or you don't. There is nothing to suggest that he will be homeless, but if you honestly think that's apossibility, just ask him. Tell him that you want to stay living separately no matter what, and you are assuming that just like you, he has made arrangments/ will make arrangements for his future and when he retires.

As he's only late 40's he probably won't retire until he is 67 so that's about 17 years. Don't worry about it now and spoil your time together.

I'm struggling to understand your problem. You are not going to live together, you are financially independent....why are you letting your unfounded (so far) suspicion spoil a nice fun relationship.
You are overthinking in my opinion. Just chill and enjoy life. If he's a great guy, good for you. Have fun and maybe treat him occasionally. It's 2026 and caring is sometimes going to mean parting with a bit of cash, but what the heck. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you be on here at all.

Absent the op he might be content to not retire until he is 67. In a relationship with a woman who's already retired and lives a life of leisure whilst he still has to work for a living. You don't think he might start to feel resentful, might start to look for a way to get some of that life of leisure for himself?

Plenty of couples retire at different ages without issues.
For people my parent's age it was the norm - 60 for women, 65 for men.

In that case they would be cohabiting and the man would have benefited from the fact that the woman is at home providing free domestic services for him whilst he is at work.
In this situation the man is not getting any such benefits she's enjoying her retirement, he's having to work for a living and not benefiting at all from her greater financial means or larger amount of free time.
Men are very prone to looking for ways in which they can get the woman to do the work while they get the credit, this man will get resentful and will start pushing so that he gets some of the benefits of her greater income and free time.