How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

So self employed?

Do you two ever actually talk? You seem to know very little about him

Maybe it's because in my world people do own their homes, but private renting with no or very reduced income? How does that work?

I think most men want someone who will look after them when they are old. If this is something you don’t want to do break up with him. I would look after my husband but if he died I would never take on caring responsibilities for another man.

What else should I know about his work?

Yes. And that's what I said for a long time....

Personally, I’d be asking him outright what his long term security plans are. Questions to consider are:-

Does he have a funeral plan
Who has he nominated to receive his survivor pension - this will reveal if he has a private pension
What plans does he have for future proofing in the event of poor mobility

I'm sure there’s more to add to the list

These might sound morbid or irrelevant to some but both OH and myself have discussed these at length early in our relationship.

You are hopefully making it very clear to him right now that you want to continue to live independently, which gives him plenty of time to sort his finances out so that he is able to continue the way he is at the moment in terms of maintaining himself.

Feeling pressured into having someone to live with you will almost certainly end badly as you will resent him. You may love him now but living with someone when you have reservations about doing so is a dangerous thing.

But that’s what I mean.
You want the meaningful relationship wo the ties that come with it - supporting someone who might have got ill, who has just a state pension to live on etc….

Thats why I’m saying you’re getting cold feet. It’s getting too serious for you. A place where the relationship is serious enough that you’ll be expected to support him (and the other way around).

And all the while you’re not looking at the fact that, being older, you’re statistically more likeky to need support/be ill sooner than him. How would you feel then? Would you prefer to stay independent, alone in your house despite struggling or woukd you prefer to see him move in to support you?

Being together apart works well when both partners are fully independent.
What you’re describing is a situation where one of you (you think him, I’m thinking it could be either if you really) won’t be easily fully independent anymore. Then how would you navigate the situation?
Id also note that he is clear he doesn’t want to move in with you. He might well want that more than you!

You don’t know how much he earns or any idea, never spoken about savings, pensions.

No detail about this work.

2 years

Why on earth are you getting worked up about this now? He won't be homeless and as long as you make it very clear you never want to live with anyone I'm not sure what the problem is. Just carry on like you are. You might not even be with him by retirement age.

That definitely does not sound like a professional career or anything like it, and certainly isn't going to provide a healthy pension.

'Freelance' is often shorthand for occasional work and marketing is not lucrative at all these days. Does he have any professional qualifications at all?

Do you believe he is even funding his own life at the moment? Perhaps his parents are paying a salary to him to avoid IHT, and he is going to end up with very little or nothing in 30 years time when they have used all of their assets to fund his current lifestyle and care home fees etc. It sounds precarious.

The problem with nomadic middle class men op is that they always have someone to bail them out, they never need to actually work or do very much, because someone always ends up footing the bill.

I would be very concerned that the next person earmarked is going to be you.

Yes 2 years with no plans to combine finances. I (quite deliberately) havent told him anything about my income or assets either.

He's definitely working.

Something in marketing on a freelance basis?

I reckon he doesn’t own a property because not a cat’s chance in hell he ever could afford to

I find it extraordinary that you have been togetherr for years and have never sat down and actually talked through finances, pensions, retirement plans, end of life choices etc etc. It is staggering.

You should know every last detail at this point in your relationship. How do you know he isn't sitting under a mountain of debt? After his nomadic life? No one lives for free.

You don't want to disclose your own financial details because you don't trust him.

When I was looking for husband no 2 I definitely wanted someone on the same income level as me. I know you don't want to marry/live with him but how much money he has in later life will impact your plans.

Marketing is a minimum wage job. The reason he doesn't own a house is because he will never be able to afford a mortgage. His parents house could be in an equity agreement, and not even be owned by them.

You really do not know this man, or anywhere near enough about him.

I would want to know more about that

Is possible that he has a trust fund or something

But yeah, you sound weirdly defensive where you have a legitimate worry and you’re not replying to a lot of us so I’m just leaving now

If it's weighing on your mind then you should confront it, have the conversation. But since you're not living together and not pooling resources he has no reason to divulge any of it to you. You aren't making a commitment so it's truly none of your business. Yet. So maybe you need to bite your tongue until it becomes relevant.

I always find it interesting that if it was a man in this position (and often the woman has a smaller pension pot) they tend not to dwell on the financials.

This is something I wouldn't even be thinking about for another 5 years. From mid 50s I would expect him to have a plan for retirement but right now it's probably too soon for someone who has the type of life you describe. Maybe he will come to the conclusion that he needs to buy something if he wants security in old age and the problem is solved. He may decide to move to a cheaper area/country for retirement.aybe you aren't together in 5 years time.

But his housing situation isn't something for you to worry about, especially not now while he is reasonably young and healthy. He needs to make his own plans as he sees fit.

If you've been in a good relationship for 2 years and get on well surely you can just ask him directly?

"Dave, this is a bit random but I was actually thinking about plans for the future. With the economy and everything.

How is your retirement planning going? Does X employer give a company pension? ".

I agree it seems a bit odd you don't know more about his work and finances to guesstimate a bit.

If he's got an ok job and doesn't live above his means with the big expenses like rent and cars and holidays (especially in lower cost of living areas) he could be saving £1000 a month with no children. A lot of people are quite frugal, don't buy extras like clothes or expensive hobbies.

If that's been going on for some time and he likes his job and is not planning on retiring early that could be a good chunk to buy a good annuity at retirement. He'll be able to live wherever he wants.

Owning isn't relevant as he doesn't need something to pass down to children.

Alternatively he could be renting for £2000 a month and living payday to payday.

But he's never flirted with you? You've obviously had relationships before, don't you find that odd?

How has he got to late 40s, with no house, no savings you know of, no pension that you know of and be hoping his parents leave him a house you have no idea they even own?

Walk away or stay with him and be very prepared for the next stage to be extremely challenging.

You are playing a dangerous game allowing someone you know almost nothing about occupy so much of your life. He could literally be anyone.

Np doubt this is why you have been chosen op, you ask no questions at all, not even basic safe guarding and he can spin you line after line about nomadic roots.

How unromantic . Just live in the moment and enjoy the relationship. I know it's important to plan a bit for the future but he is nearly 20 years from retirement. You are way overthinking this . Noone has any idea what the future holds . He could equally be thinking that he doesnt want to live with you and be your caregiver . Do you really think he targeted you for a roof over his head .

You sound very happy together , just savour the good times .