How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

If he's late 40s he could be 20 years plus off retirement! Why are you worrying about it now? Of all the things to worry about.
Have you asked him how he'll live? He could have decent pensions, keep working, or yes be relying on you taking him in.
Would that be so bad when you've been in a multi decade relationship? It seems odd that you're expecting to still be together in 20 years but still not wanting to share anything with him. Why are you with him?

O if he’s only late 50s you have to talk to him about it because if he’s got no proper pension and no property he honestly still has time. I was taking it you were both in 60s and you were panicking for sometime in the near future!!!

Ramp it up

because truly… worrying about you fairly short term boyfriend becoming homeless is really
not something to stew about

I don't think it's unusal for financially secure middle aged women to have taken the decision never to share that with a man. Especially ones who have children to think about.

If he hasn't saved for a retirement income beyond state pension and he doesn't own his home, it is a very valid concern! And I can't understand why you're posting here instead of taking to him

I think the catastrophising has gone a bit too far here OP.

If you’re in your 40s too and you’re together in 30 years time then surely your lives will become incredibly interwoven because you will want them to be, because you’ll be growing old together.

Fair enough decide if his approach to money doesn’t align with your values but it doesn’t sound like overall there have been any red flags. If you want to know if he’s got a pension ask him.

Why are you worrying about this now? He's only late 40s. None of us know what tomorrow may bring. Just enjoy life now if you're happy with him. When he retires which is not for at least another 18 years if he can't afford his rent on his state pension he will get housing benefit. I think you are worrying over nothing. Why do you think he will be homeless?

So is he working for the next 20 years? Time to build up a pension.

You are massively over thinking OP

There is no one more in love than a man who needs a home

Of course that is not unusual

You are worrying about your boyfriend becoming homeless!!

I suspect a large part of his lack planning of is around the value of his parents' very expensive house, that he's felt he can cover his costs now and that will look after him later, but obviously nothing is certain there.

Well, in reality, he'd have to be unlucky not to inherit a decent sum if they have a very valuable house. Most people who require care don't require it for so long that they spend the value of an expensive home. It could happen though (and relying on inheritance for financial planning is a bit.... grim, to be honest).

I would try to stop ruminating. You don't have all the information and you don't know what will happen anyway.

But this man has a home, his own that he rents.

I can guarantee a man would not ponder this type of thing. He wouldn't give it a second thought

I'd love to be renting now and not be responsible for the cracks that have appeared in my house during the hot weather!

Can you not discuss this sort of thing?

He doesn't need a home. He rents a home already. The same as millions of other people.

If you are so concerned about that then how can you be in any kind of meaningful romantic relationship/ be in love with someone?

There's always a chance that things will go very wrong for either of you and then you would presumably support the other.

Isn't that the whole idea of being in a meaningful relationship where you care about each other?

If that's not something you want to be in, then perhaps you shouldn't get into romantic relationships and should end it with him and look for something more casual.

Why would he be homeless? He probably has some kind of work pension and will probably qualify for state pension and pension credits if needed. He can downsize and live a frugal life and do enjoyable cheap things with you.

I'm sure we could, I was thinking it's time we do so, which was the reason for my question. Even if he gave me all the right answers, how would I "know"?

I know, I'm overthinking, but being a financially secure single woman with adult DC to think about in a world where we know men will take advantage of that makes you do that.

Obviously if I thought he was one of those I wouldn't be with him, but I don't want to be naive about it either.

@800wow you seem oddly defensive

I think you worry is very correct

And there isn't really anything attractive about a man who has this attitude
Does he have any savings?

And he doesn't own because he doesn't feel able to commit to even looking after a house or a flat

If that doesn't bother you fine, but I wonder if that's what it's really at the back of your mind

he's counting on inheritance that isn't guaranteed

I truly have never ever been concerned by the possibility that a boyfriend might be made homeless. Why? Because quite honestly it would have been as likely as seeing pigs fly

it doesn’t appear to be quite like that here if you are getting yourself concerned about it

If it's any consolation I am in similar circumstances to you OP. I am in my sixties and retired and so is my DP. We do not and won't live together. However after a few years together we gradually got to know all about each other's finances and what we wanted if we got ill/disabled etc. We are together over 20 years and living separately is the recipe for a fantastic relationship, well in our case anyway! We discussed it thoroughly, went through all the options and decided that we were more suited to independent living. We do share time at each other's houses, but we do not live together or share that aspect full time!

As pp said, we are in similar circumstances financially, and neither of us has children.

It is vital to find out how you both stand if you think the relationship will endure until his retirement/into your older years. That's the key so you need to do that at some point, preferably sooner rather than later. Or you will forever wonder and worry.

I get it op. I would be concerned about being stitched up. But mine is based upon actually being stitched up by an ex.

I would discuss retirement plans in general with him. What are his plans?

An ex friend of mine's plans was to fund her further extensive, expensive travel and lifestyle by moving in with one of us as a lodger after her avoiding having a mortgage for decades.

Is it unlikely?

I have three fairly close friends who have been persuaded it would be best for everyone that their BF, struggling for accomodation, moves in with them, much earlier than they would have chosen, and we see multiple threads on here about when that all goes wrong.