How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

I'm already (early) retired. I live the retirement life I would have led without him, including travel, and see him when he's not working.

And when he retires in the future... what happens then?

Given he is late 40's, you have a long way to go before he is old and [potentially] homeless. However, I have just seen your update - clearly he won't be able to maintain your standard of living in his retirement on pension credit. How do you feel about that?

I can’t say I plan for the possibility of a boyfriend being homeless!!

You are in your mid fifties and retired. You must be very comfortably off…..?

how old are your adult kids?

No. Not at all. I knew him as a friend for a long time and beyond the long term partners who he was compeltely faithful to to my knowledge have hardly known him have a GF. I've never seen him flirt with anyone, including me.

It is frankly bizarre to be wondering about your boyfriend maybe becoming homeless in the future

I don't know. That's the reason for my post.

Well good becuase finding something to worry about is a particualr strength of mine!
If it's not a valid concern that would be good news.

Maybe early retirement has given you too much time to think and ponder

He's in his 40s? Are you a lot older?

I would think a first step is talking about it openly?

You don't know if he has a private pension, for all you know he could have been building one for well over 20 years, prehaps he's funnelling a large portion of his salary in there monthly? It doesn't sound like you know anything about his finances, so you're writing a story from your own made up - and quite possibly incorrect - theories.

Well we don’t know his finances Op!!

HIS responsibility NOT yours! You aren’t his mother he’s a grown adult! If you feel like this then there’s a reason for it. Very convenient he’s found a woman who has her own home and whole would pic up waifs and strays and let him live with her if he lost his job/gave up his job etc and had no money! He can manage like the rest of us do on benefits!

I will never understand the long term renting idea tbh.
If he has no pension as well that’s concerning.
it’s a no from me.

I think you have enough time to get to know him, while he is working and paying his way, to decide how much you like him. In 10- 15 years, if you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him then you will have to either lead very different lives, which would be a little odd, or you would need to subsidise him to be able to share experiences in his retirement.

That's a long way off though...You sound like a massive worrier OP (the worrying kind, not the fighting kind)

At some point in this relationship (and this is true of pretty much all of them) you are going to have to decide what happens next. Nothing just stays the same forever, time passes and feelings / situations change. So at some point you will have to confront this and make a decision, one way or the other.

If you are at the stage of saying ‘we will never live together…except when XYZ happens’ then you are already more than half way to deciding to live together. If you love him, don’t you want to share your life with him?

Have you spoken to him about the future? Because whether you do or not things will change.

I think you should take the fact you are worrying about your boyfriend of 2 years being homeless as a sign you should get a part time
Job to preoccupy you more

Was this the man who is self employed and got pulled over and worried he was going to lose his license and the impact that would have on you?

As things stand we'd carry on and I'd do things in my budget and he'd do things in his.

But, if he lived with me, his state pension would go a reasonable way. When I or we travel I do it on a budget anyway because that's the way I prefer it.

I suspect a large part of his lack planning of is around the value of his parents' very expensive house, that he's felt he can cover his costs now and that will look after him later, but obviously nothing is certain there.

i would not be concerned about this, if you are happy with the relationship you both have then simply enjoy what you have. your life could change in an instant....if and when changes happen you will adapt...Its a waste of energy worrying about those possibilities right now....

No sorry, don't know what that is.

Well we don't know either! He knows though! And you'll know if you have a conversation! Talk to the man than has been your friend for a long time and is now your partner who you love! Ask him what his plans are for retirement? Will he be going on 4 holidays a year, theatre trips every month, meals out every week? Or will he be eating cold baked beans and wearing thermals and a coat indoors so he doesn't need the heating on?

That is actually possibly a good point. I do do a bit of ad hoc work in term time.

Wow very similar
also middle aged retired adult dc comfortably off with a partner no intention of living with and she has no idea about his finances.

So there are more of you on Mumsnet in the same boat!

7 years