How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

So here is your answer - he expects to inherit well?!

I think it would only become an issue if you let it. If he couldn’t live alone in old age there are sheltered housing options etc. I know of a few older couples that are still private renting in their 70s. Just stand strong and don’t let him move in. I would also ask him the question, what does he intend to do? I’m not sure the private renting is a huge issue. If anyone in any kind of property can’t be cared for at home they often go into some kind of care home.

Maybe you need to look for someone more asset rich then, if it is bothering you that much. But just think, if you chuck him and then he inherits a million pound house which he would have left to you in his will, having no kids of his own, how would you feel? Maybe you should hang in there.

@2dogsandabudgiesi if he has no pension or income then he can’t pay rent… which is why the op started this thread

I would just say enjoy it now for what it's worth. If late 40's, retirement is a long way away. You say he's not in private rental, so he's in social housing? Why would be then become homeless? He'd get help with that if he has no savings or private pension. You've told him no way he will live with you - so that's not an issue is it?

You're talking 20+ years away. There's no promises in life and there's no way to know what is around the corner. Neither of you may life to old old age (not being depressing, just nothing is given), but if the here and now is good and you guys are having fun, why not just have fun?

Perhaps that's my concern. I'm unlikely to learn anything good!

He's an eternal optimist (unlike me) so his plan is likely to be along the lines of something will come up it always does.

All being well we'll continue forever in our seperate homes being together when it suits us, but old age is going to happen (if we're lucky)

He will have a state pension, even minimum. And, although not exactly an expert in benefits, I don't think he'd be without council help with his rent if in council property. In some cases it can be covered 100% by benefits.

Sorry. edited to add, he's private renting.

I think I missed a comma from that post. He's privately renting.

Ah, ok! yeah, changes things a little. But if you're having fun, I still think it's worth sticking around for a while.

Is he employed or self Employed ?

Yes, well certainly highly unlikely amongst my friends and past boyfriends!

Do you love him?

Then he would get pension credit and housing benefit.

He has years before hes retiring. Anything could happen. If you worry that a man will live off you then date more strategically.

"I suspect a large part of his lack of planning of is around the value of his parents' very expensive house"

@800wow Well that might be his Plan A, but if that doesn't come to fruition I think we can all see that Plan B is him knowing full well that you'd never let the person you love become homeless.

Then he, with no income other than a state pension, would be living in your home and be supported by you. And if the worst happens and you die, and he has nowhere to go because you have been supporting him... he'll contest your will (in which you leave everything to your dc), and demand to remain in the house for the remainder of his lifetime. Because by then, he will be your dependent.

Stay in the relationship by all means, but don't move him in with you.

Well he’s got nearly 20 years before state pension age, to work and pay into a pension.

Discuss with him and make sure he’s paying quite a bit into a pension to ease his retirement and do you can do things together then. If and when he retires, I’d he hasn’t done anything in that 20 years then you can refuse to help on the basis that he hasn’t helped himself since you met.

Like all married couples you both have to plan for your retirement, you can tell him kindly that you won’t be his fallback plan so he needs to start planning now. In other words communicate, including your fears. You never know he might have a brilliant pension and he can reassure you.

There’s usually a bit of a build up before homelessness OP

Wow, I thought I was a worrier.
Did you say you don't know if he has a private pension? Everyone is assuming he doesn't, but he works, so likely to have NEST at minimum if not a company scheme.
He's late 40s, got 20 working years ahead of him and you are worrying about him being made homeless?
My parents had some feckless friends but I never heard of any of them being made homeless in their 60s.

Op, I think your instincts are spot on. I am not sure he is solvent.

You are too polite to ask him directly, and he certainly isn't offering you any information - but your financial means can not have been lost on him. He is not living in a secure home, nor he appear to have anything beyond the bare basics (car and spare money) You have no idea whether he has a pension, but suspect not. I personally think you are in a very dangerous position.

It is likely if he loses his rental, becomes ill or suggests closer ties you may find him moving in temporarily, with no real intention on his part to leave.

Whilst on paper his sunny disposition is appealing and his nomadic past interesting, it is very likely this is just short hand for irresponsibility and a complete lack of planning and maturity - even he can't have failed to have noticed the kind of retirement and old age awaiting him (in poverty)

I would be taking a very big step back op. I would be very nervous about continuing this relationship. I think he is playing the long game, and you and your dc have worked hard to be in your comfortable position. I think you should find a companion much closer to your own financial status at this point in your life.

Does he work?

You’ll just have to say “no” if the time comes and he wants to move in. Not even for one night or until he gets back on his feet.
It might be helpful to find a way of making that clear to him now so that both of you know where you stand.

Added to this ....if he doesn't have full state pension, then your income will be taken into account for pension credit.

And, with the new rules the govt is looking to bring in, if you live with someone for 3 years (I think?) then they are entitled to a share of your assets- more akin to marriage.

You need to put this in the section for relationships

The answers will be very different

Even if that law ever happens (which it won't) there is an opt out

But why would he be homeless? Plenty of retired people remain in rental accommodation for life. They may have to downsize or move somewhere cheaper, but retirement doesn't automatically put them on the streets. When their earned income stops they will have their state pension, any private pension if applicable, and universal credit to help pay the rent if necessary.

He's not even 50 yet, he has a long way to go before he needs to worry about that, although if he's earning well enough to support a great lifestyle now then I hope he's sensible enough to be saving something and having a plan for his old age.

If you start to sense that he's lining you up as a back-up plan then you need to put him straight immediately and reiterate that you will NEVER allow anyone to move in with you.

If he lost his job and is renting he would be able to claim universal credit and find a private rented place suited to his income if he has a deposit saved for example. He might have income protection insurance with work , mine does for example. I think it’s worth discussing these things with him. Outline your concerns, ie if one of you got sick. But to be honest if ten years down the line one of you was ill wouldn’t the other one want to live with the partner to help care for them. Either one of you could lose your job or get sick.

I would say worrying about his homelessness is not a valid concern. From the way you describe him it sounds incredibly unlikely.