'My ADHD brain'

[ForDucksSake]

I feel like I am hearing/reading this constantly now. It feels like the new anxiety. Why are people seemingly self-diagnosing themselves with ADHD now?

I work with children with autism and ADHD, so I know a fair bit about this disorder. It can be really difficult to manage for some people and it pisses me off that people I have known for years have suddenly decided that they have it because they did a fucking online quiz. It minimises the issues that some people who have ADHD really have.

A friend, who I have known for years announced last week that her 'ADHD brain' is the reason she forgets her purse every time we meet for lunch. When asked about this sudden diagnosis, she said that she had done a quiz and 'it all makes sense now'. I keep this online too, is it just me noticing this?

ADHD is massively under diagnosed in women, and middle aged women are right at the age where life gets more difficult, hormones go haywire, and they can no longer cope in the way they used to. Inattentive ADHD is much more common in women than men, and it therefore much less studied and known about.

I personally think it's a type of brain wiring, and much more common than previously thought. Much like autism, it's a spectrum - you can be hugely successful and autistic, or you can be unable to live independently and autistic, or you can be somewhere in the middle. Same with ADHD (but less pronounced, I think).

Middle aged women self-diagnosing with ADHD (and often eventually getting actual diagnosis either privately or via the NHS) are not just forgetting their purse. They're women who have feel like they're just shit at life their entire lives, clinging on by their fingernails to some semblance of coping. They're also looking at their families and seeing undiagnosed neurodivergence. I look at my 79 year old dad, and realise he's autistic despite having had a very successful career. I look at my uncle and see inattentive ADHD, very similar to me. It doesn't have to be life-limiting to be diagnosable.

In what way?
RtC can get you seen within 8 weeks in my area.

I completely agree OP and have a colleague who does exactly this.

One day, on the work team chat (with ~40 people), she wrote a message that began "Due to my ADHD brain," about how she had forgotten to post some trivial routine work message previously.

I didn't bring it up when we spoke next but she was very keen to tell me that she had "found out" that she had ADHD due to reading some things online. She wanted a long chat about how much she understood about herself now following her realisation. I politely nodded along.

I do believe ADHD exists, although I am somewhat skeptical that she has it. She is a lawyer and does not exhibit any behaviours that I would expect from someone with ADHD. I think a lawyer could have it, but it's going to be a bit unusual because they will have had to get through all the qualifications. There is another lawyer in the team who has an ADHD diagnosis and does exhibit typical symptoms. I know people will say "masking" but I am doubtful that one could successfully maintain a mask to that extent with ADHD. She has a toddler and the more likely explanation could be that she is just suffering with the lack of sleep etc. and also struggling at work because she says that she finds it dull. But I leave all it to the professionals to investigate it properly though and decide if a diagnosis is appropriate for her (if she ever does go for a diagnosis, which I don't believe she has yet done).

If she just said "I have been looking into ADHD and suspect that I might have it", I wouldn't really care either way. It's the public declaration that she has it when she has never spoken with a professional that rubs me up the wrong way.

She continues to mention it in passing every time that we meet and now also keeps bringing up that she is "almost definitely" autistic too. I like her otherwise so continue to keep the peace by nodding along and change the subject as soon as I can politely do so.

How my husband hasn't left me is a miracle.
Out of interest why do you say that? We are suspecting that DH has adhd and autism (ds also shows traits). I'll be honest he does drive me up the wall sometimes often and yet I do love him dearly. Key irritants are he doesn't answer the question I asked directly but something only loosely connected or 2 steps behind or ahead or sideways 😂. He is also super clever when he applies himself, genius level clever. A lovely but mixed and unusual for me experience.

She could have adhd and autism, symptoms often balance each other out until they don't.

oh wow.

It's annoying if people don't have it and use it to mean 'I forgot.' But I have a lot of sympathy with adults who have not been diagnosed. Lack of diagnosis doesn't mean they don't have it. Anyone who had it when I was growing up was labelled lazy, disorganised, messy, selfish, chaotic, over-emotional. There was no diagnosis other than being told to sort yourself out. It was not recognised that people desperately wanted to be productive, organised, a thoughtful friend, but failed because their brains simply could not process in a way that learned from their mistakes.

Having undiagnosed ADHD is very painful. Daily life is stressful because you lock yourself out every other day, forget your phone, or an essential work document, or the present for your friend's birthday party. You leave computers and coats on trains, washing turns rancid in the machine, your house is a tip. And you have a brain that just can't do anything about it. I swear if people could change, unmedicated, they would.

Diagnosis in school age children has only been common in the last decade or so, and the waiting list for diagnosis for adults is at about 5 years on NHS. Going private costs a fortune. And ironically ADHD sufferers are less likely to have stable well-paid jobs, however talented they are. So online quizzes may be the closest they come to diagnosis.

Said it before but I think it's become a bit of a Boy Who Cried Wolf phenomenon. I've sympathy with people have a real diagnosis saying it but not the one internet quiz folk.

Thank you. Good post.

She could do, that's why as I say I would prefer to leave her to pursue a diagnosis to get it properly determined.

I am just privately a bit skeptical because she seems very normal. Tired and bored at work, but normal. The things she attributes to her ADHD seem trivial ordinary experiences. I definitely get the feeling that she wants me to join in with her long conversations about how her brain works differently to everyone else, but I don't really have anything to say because her behaviour does not seem at all out of the ordinary.

I think you have explained your point really well. People are just choosing to misread it to be offended…

I mean you can always talk about the things your brain struggles without a label. For example my brain needs really clear and direct communication, that's true for me with or without any sort of diagnosis.

Maybe she has boring-self-centred personality disorder 😂
I can't imagine wanting to discuss at great length anyone's brain including mine. Poor you.

A diagnosis is needed, I agree. But I have it (confirmed by diagnosis) and it feels debilitating at times. Annoys me that someone would use it as an excuse to get out of paying for lunch

perhaps you could suggest to her some ADHD coping strategies 😉. Apple Pay on her phone eg. It’s a lifesaver (don’t ask me where a single one of my credit cards is. I stopped maintaining a purse / wallet because I kept losing it and then would lose everything all at once 😅)

it's a tricky issue and I have conflicting feelings about self diagnosis. It can take a long time to be assessed and get diagnosed but people may still need support in the meantime so I can understand why they might say they have x before an actual diagnosis has been confirmed . On the other hand I do think some people are flippant about it and I agree it can be similar to the 'oh I have ocd' 'I'm depressed' when people don't have it at all and have no idea what it's like to struggle with those conditions. That can potentially cause others to not to take those conditions seriously.

I dislike it when people self diagnose, announce it to the world at every opportunity and then demand things. I think it's fine to say I believe/i think I might have asd/adhd/etc and I find this hard could you do y to help me. I'm autistic myself and I didn't dare tell anyone I was autistic until it had been clinically confirmed in case I was wrong, so maybe that's just my own hang up. I do also wonder if it's my black and white thinking that makes me feel that way, that you can't say you're autistic/adhd unless you know you definitely are and self diagnosis is 'too grey'. I also think most people just want to quietly get on with life rather than draw attention to their challenges when it's genuine.

I don’t see a friend anymore because since her diagnosis it’s all she talks about. She is late all the time and never used to be. It’s just really annoying and it’s like she’s completely changed

I think we may have the same friend reading on further! It’s so annoying

And I too work with people who have adhd and can’t live normal lives because of it. She manages to have a very normal life

Oh except this friend does actually have a diagnosis, though she paid privately and I doubt she’d get it on the nhs

Even with a proper diagnosis people's patience can wear thin if it's talked about constantly.

To be honest I struggle with anyone that makes a single thing into their entire personality whether it's Disney, Harry Potter or ADHD.

The problem is that society has become absolutely obsessed with the "self".

Being your true self
Putting yourself first
Self-diagnosing
Self-identitying
Self care
Self love
Self bloody everything

People are so obsessed with themselves that it's actually becoming tragic.

Absolutely. My son was diagnosed at 20 after years of struggling. It’s not being a bit quirky, it genuinely negatively affects his life in so many ways.

It’s just a way of people having an excuse for their crappy behaviour. It couldn’t possibly be their fault that they forget their purse. Boils my piss.

Yes OP. I have a friend who has recently decided she has ADHD and every single thing she says is phrased in an “because I’m ADHD” way. It’s like she doesn’t have personality anymore.

Like you, I have worked and volunteered for a long time with people with ADHD, autism, LDs etc etc.

Not to mention it drives me batshit that she says “I’m ADHD” not “I have ADHD.”

You’ve misunderstood my post I think. I’m saying - or was trying to - that “struggle” means something entirely worse and debilitating to someone ND than the struggles of everyday life to someone NT.