Adorable child didn't say please once.

[Kingfisherfly]

I was out with a group yesterday. All adults I know by varying degrees, except for the 8yo of one couple who had her much later in life than the rest of us. Were all in our 50s/60s.

I've seen this child around but never really talked to her before. She's often at "adult" events and is generally smiley and well behaves, occupies herself with an ipad or talks to the adults.

During the course of the afternoon she was often asked would you like drink/ice cream/food and she'd answer the question politely enough, except she never said please. What would you like to drink...J2O.

For me the please is just a reflex and I had to bite my tongue not to add it for her! Do modern parents not do that? Even when speaking to her paremts she wasn't reminded. Her parents did largely leave her to it but she was a credit to them apart from that one thing, that really stood out in it's absence for me.

I think we say please and sorry more than necessary.

I would argue the sort of ‘politeness’ posters are obsessed with is actually a very English thing and even within the UK English customs are not the be all and end all.
Many times the response here would be ‘grand’ with takes the place of thank you and is not culturally rude at all, but again Little Englander strikes again.

It doesn't preclude her being a lovely person. It's a word. One word.
Actions speak far louder than words.

Conversely I've encountered loads of people who genuinely believe that as long as they give a "please" or "thankyou" they are bulletproofed against anyone seeing them as horrible.

It's cultural. And it's bollocks.

I’d have said ‘what’s the magic word’ and made a point that I expect manner when offered a drink.

What's the magic word?

I've noticed on Mumsnet that a person will have one perceived negative interaction with an individual and attribute their behaviours to an entire generation or parenting style (and often gentle parenting).

As a parent and a friend of other parents, this isn't "modern parenting."

This is one child who is otherwise well behaved but for whatever reason when you interacted with her didn't say please. Perhaps she was nervous. Perhaps her parents don't pick her up on it. Perhaps they do but she forgets. There could be a number of reasons that don't involve extrapolating the behaviours of one child to an entire population.

Just politely remind her next time.

was there also an elephant aiding and abetting her in her pursuit of snacks?
😆😆

Agreed.

As if a woman being beaten by her partner is because they said please and thank you as child when offered a drink...

Sounds like victim blaming to me

I'm not british and I find the word please redundant is most instances. I accept that I need to remember to say it (i forget sometimes cause it doesn't come naturally) but there are so many ways to be polite without saying it.

I think you are doing him a disservice then because he’ll be seen as rude and possibly ungrateful and disrespectful in some situations.
What are your reasons for not wanting him to be well mannered and respectful of people?

Whether you like or agree with it manners matter in this country and are expected and people respond better to someone polite then someone who doesn’t bother with them.

If your son received a present would he not say thank you? Or if someone says “would you like a a piece of cake or biscuit” would he just answer “cake” and nothing else?
It’s quite jarring when you offer someone something and they don’t say please.

I used to buy my best friends kids Christmas presents and spent lots of time choosing them and a fair bit of money and they would take the gifts and open them in front of me without a please or thank you.
My friend didn’t remind them and makes me cringe when we go out because of her own poor manners. She never says please or thank you and is rude in other ways like answering her phone on loudspeaker in a restaurant and talking loudly. She’s a good friend but it puts me off going anywhere with her.

It takes a few seconds to say and can completely alter someone’s opinion of you. I wouldn’t want people thinking badly of my kids and even if I disagreed with it in principle I’d still encourage it so my children weren’t judged!

Sorry but it's nonsense to say please and thank you doesn't matter. It's a normal aspect of manners and uk culture. It's not about the individual saying thank you and how they feel about it but a necessary part of interacting with others in a social group. Just because it's "performative" or she's well mannered in other ways doesn't mean this isn't required. We don't all exist in a vacuum. Like it or not we have to comply with social rules to at least some extent to be successful in life in our relationships and friendships. It's not always about us as an individual- it's about how we make others feel. Please and thank you is part of that.

Out of interest is it ok to tell an 8 year old that she can tell her parents friend to fuck off next time she tries to correct her!

Yanbu, I can’t stand it either.

I still remind my teenagers when they forget to say please/thank you (annoying as they’ve been reminded every time throughout their entire lives).

This thread title just reminds me of ‘The elephant and the bad baby’ book - “he never once said please!”

I'm not English. Perhaps you mean British.

I agree what is the 8 year old girl was up and down the restaurant, making funny faces at the other patrons, blowing raspberries at passerby's, telling OP that she stinks- you got the gist. However said Please and Thank you when she was asked if she wanted food or select a drink!

I work with younger kids 4 and 5 and they rarely say please. I always make a point of it. What gives me the rage is declaring something and expecting people to pander to it without being specific. Eg 'I'm thirsty'. They expect me to then say ok darling I'll get you a drink of water and then they drink it and shove the empty cup at me and walk off, maybe saying thanks. Or 'I'm hot' expecting me to offer to help them take off a layer. I make sure they learn early on that general statements like that (especially when spoken loudly in an aggressive tone) are to be ignored. If they want or need something they have to ask for it and I will oblige. I don't know if it's just that age group, I'm aware they are very young or is it parents these days. I hope that when they move on to the next stage they at least have learned some manners from me

@JohnnieFedora adults should not judge small DC like this and be able to look at the larger pic. Maybe ops manners were not that great staring at and watching a small child all day.

Agree. I would not bother buying presents for adults and children who do not show any gratitude.

I'm sure she would have been thinking of a magic word that would make her disappear from a boring lunch with old people.

With the ice cream man, the butcher, the baker and the lady from the sweet shop all running after…

The larger picture here is that either the child has not picked up an important lesson about how British people communicate with each other or her parents have failed to try to teach her this lesson. The result is that other people are going to notice it. Noticing things about other people is part of the human condition.

Yes a cultural thing. I live in a country that doesn't even have a word for please, so even though I've drummed it into my children to say please in English if they've been speaking the other language they'll often forget when they switch back to English.

Also been trying to drum it into my colleagues, with moderate success...

Are they Victorians?

You have misunderstood "modern". 😂😂

I agree. I teach my DC that manners is a about actions not just what you say.