Adorable child didn't say please once.

[Kingfisherfly]

I was out with a group yesterday. All adults I know by varying degrees, except for the 8yo of one couple who had her much later in life than the rest of us. Were all in our 50s/60s.

I've seen this child around but never really talked to her before. She's often at "adult" events and is generally smiley and well behaves, occupies herself with an ipad or talks to the adults.

During the course of the afternoon she was often asked would you like drink/ice cream/food and she'd answer the question politely enough, except she never said please. What would you like to drink...J2O.

For me the please is just a reflex and I had to bite my tongue not to add it for her! Do modern parents not do that? Even when speaking to her paremts she wasn't reminded. Her parents did largely leave her to it but she was a credit to them apart from that one thing, that really stood out in it's absence for me.

I blame Alexa!

She didn't seem outraged to me, just observant.

I have toddlers and I’m definitely raising them to say please, as are other parents I know.

So there are some modern parenting counter examples.

I will say though, as a teacher, I have definitely noticed that “please” seems less ingrained than it once was. Children who are otherwise perfectly nice, polite children often still being prompted (at school) at 7 or 8. On the other hand, a lot of languages use “please” far less than British English, so it clearly is a quirk of our cultural etiquette rather than some universal principle.

I read all the gentle parenting books when I was a new parent (read lots of others too!), and you are correct that the advice in those (and other similar approaches) is to model saying please and thank you yourself, but not continually tell the child to do so. The idea being they will come to it naturally themselves rather than be forced into saying it. Same with saying ‘sorry’.

I think it does a huge disservice to kids, and whilst there were elements of those techniques I did like, this is one I really think lets kids down. Like it or not, your child will go out into the world and other adults will make quick judgments based on things like politeness. Maybe they shouldn’t, but everyone does. It’s such a short hand social currency that your child is missing the benefits from if they don’t learn to say it automatically.

The argument ‘well they’re not truly grateful so shouldn’t be made to say it’ always seems so bizarre to me- if I’m handed my change in a shop I’m not filled with gratitude either- it’s my money that I overpaid after all- but I still say thank you, it’s just a quick way of demonstrating being a decent person to a stranger!

The idea that ‘they will come to it in their own time’ or start to copy you if you do it in the front of them has never been borne out with the teens I now know whose parents adopted this method.

What a crock of shit.

Saying please and thank you does not prepare a child for a lifetime of abuse.

It has zero to do with accepting and being grateful, it has nothing to do with how you as a person feel about asking for a drink. It's a commonplace and important aspect of good manners in the UK.
In the space between the mechanical please, there is space for real and deserved gratitude to emerge. It oils the machinery of social intercourse.

I'd expect please and thank eat her age too op

I work with secondary age students and have noticed a lack of please and thank yous. I ask them for the magic word every time. They find it annoying which I enjoy 😀.

Many parents of all ages dont bother to teach there child to say pleaee and thanks
It is bad manners but given the child is well behaved and plesant ir seems the focused more on ensuring she was both which is to there credit.

They sure do! If a child doesn't add a please before a request the teacher will add it for them. If a child doesn't say thank you when given something the teacher will ask "what do we say?".

It shouldn't be a teacher's job- at best they should just have to remind the children who foreget. But it's very useful for the children who don't get taught manners at home to have them reinforced in school. It helps them to socialise in a polite way in a society which is bebeficial to all involved.

Autistic DD has had please and thankyou rrummed into her since the year dot. Will she say please? No she will not!

Don't judge, OP.It'd bug me, as does my daughter, but we are where we are with it (i still nag DD).

In my view, pleasantries such as “please” and “sorry” can my meaningless if they are over-used, and parroted. We Brits are obsessed with manners. There’s a saying “the Europeans have good food; the British have good table manners”. I’ve noticed that “please” appears a lot more in signs giving orders than it used to, such as “please keep off the grass”. What’s the difference between that, and “Keep off the grass!”? Yes, children need to be taught it because it what we do. I say please and thank you because it’s what we do; but then, how do you show genuine gratitude when someone has gone out of their way to help you? For this, I often add “I really appreciate that”.

So often, people say these things while being extremely unreasonable, because they think it will get them off the hook. Did the bankers in 2008 mean it when they parroted “sorry”, quietly pocketing their bonuses after causing havoc?
Did Boris Johnson mean it when he said “sorry” for Partygate? Indeed, he actually retracted his apology later, after he had been ousted, and practically said that people were stupid to take the roolz so literally.

I was taught to say please and thank you from a young age. But I think it can go too far the other way: I wish had also been taught not to be a people pleaser, and when it’s acceptable to say a flat “no” - and I don’t mean “no thank you”, and when it’s appropriate to put myself first. I didn’t learn this until well into my adult life.

My 2.5 year old gets nothing if he doesn't say please and thank you. It takes reminding sometimes as I don't think it's enforced at nursery but when he's with family he must say please and thank you.

I also think it’s quite ironic that some of those on this thread who insist on “please” are swearing in the same sentence. 😀

Do you? I think it's perfectly possible to recognise that there are some situations where a swear word is perfectly OK, and others where they're not. That doesn't mean please and thank you should fall from your vocabulary.

I think it’s good to be aware of the difference between “thank you” being a pleasantry, and genuine gratitude.

Saying thank you when a plate of dinner is put in front of you: pleasantry.
Saying thank you to the person who made the dinner, after eating it: genuine gratitude.

This scene in Matilda makes me smile: after Miss Trunchbull has berated Bruce Bogtrotter for stealing her cake like a thief from the Mafia, she then says “you like my cake, don’t you? When a gentleman has had a good meal, he sends his compliments to the chef. You didn’t know that, did you, Bogtrotter? It is true that members of the Mafia are not noted for their good manners.”

On another thread about another pleasantry that gets people hot and bothered: “how are you today”? I mentioned how I asked this of a 90-year-old gentleman at church, his reply was a gruff “never ask an elderly person how they are”. One poster said “I hope you told him to fuck off for being so rude”. Again, can nobody see the irony?

We have 3 children and have drummed in to them from day dot please and thank you.
our oldest is 16 and still never says it and we pull her up on it every single time, doesn’t make a jot of difference. The other 2 will say it like you say as a natural reflex.
Explain that one 🤦🏼‍♀️

The child was stuck with boring adults and their whole demenour suggests a well behaved child their actions are screaming , well behaved but that wasnt good enough for op.she would have preferred a child racing around, complaining of being bored etc but saying the word please ! It doesn't make sense

My child is 6, has ADHD and was stuck in a garden on Sunday with about 35 adults all over the age of 70 for about and hour and a half. She sat and chatted to them, engaged with strangers, walked about and looked at the flowers, played quietly with her cuddly cat toy.

She still said "orange juice please" when asked what she would like,and said "thank you Bruce" etc.

Stop making excuses for ill mannered children.

I agree it’s performative. Actually this thread is sort of proving the ones who are overly obsessed with please and thank yous are rude.
Often it’s just an excuse to belittle other people, often children and feel better.

Thank you! 😀I completely agree. I think also it teaches children, especially girls, to be become subservient and people pleasers. I wonder if OP would have felt the same if it was a 8 year old boy rather than a girl.

I'd say the 'gentle parenting' isn't the current trend. It was a big thing about 10 years ago but I think too many people merged into permissive parenting so gentle parenting isn't as popular now.

To answer your question, no this isn't normal among my circles. I always encourage please and thank you

And is it good manners to say What a crock of shit.

You kind of just proved my point. So Thank You!

So rude. I hate it when children don't say please and thank you too OP. It stands out very obviously to me. I'm late 30s for what it's worth.

It's rather rude to say FFS to a poster just having another perspective. You did however prove my point- so THANK YOU!