Adorable child didn't say please once.

[Kingfisherfly]

I was out with a group yesterday. All adults I know by varying degrees, except for the 8yo of one couple who had her much later in life than the rest of us. Were all in our 50s/60s.

I've seen this child around but never really talked to her before. She's often at "adult" events and is generally smiley and well behaves, occupies herself with an ipad or talks to the adults.

During the course of the afternoon she was often asked would you like drink/ice cream/food and she'd answer the question politely enough, except she never said please. What would you like to drink...J2O.

For me the please is just a reflex and I had to bite my tongue not to add it for her! Do modern parents not do that? Even when speaking to her paremts she wasn't reminded. Her parents did largely leave her to it but she was a credit to them apart from that one thing, that really stood out in it's absence for me.

Just occurred to me, is this the same poster as the Howard's End AIBU the other day?

Gentle parenting has nothing to do with not instilling manners!

Yawn. She's 8 and was probably slightly overwhelmed with a load of adults. She was well behaved. I can imagine starting a thread micro analysing this.

I wondered the same! One of my kids’ faves years ago

children naturally say please when they're asking rather than being asked

I prompt my just turned 5 yo to say please and thank you literally every time he asks for or accepts something. I started as soon as he could talk. Maybe he’s a freak but he is 100% not saying please naturally (or at least not reliably every time) 😂

Get a grip honestly.

DGS is 2.5. He’s been taught to say please and thank you as a matter of course. If he gives me something and I say “thank you DGS” he says “lovely manners Granny…” it melts my heart.

I have a 2 and a 5 yo and there is very little ‘naturally saying please’ going on unfortunately 😂. I remind them Every. Single. Time. I drives me slightly mad and I can’t quite believe the older one doesn’t do it more without being reminded but I am 100% not raising rude children. Small things like saying please and thank you totally change your interaction with people. It’s the difference between a nice exchange which ends in a smile and pissing people off. I will not be worn down 😂

Thank you for your sensible comment.

This is exactly what I was trying to say .... Lack of a single "thank you" or "please" to someone they hardly know doesn't make a child rude or have no manners.

I think the replies from my comment is a real indication most people are obsessed with "please and thank yous" and value it more than actually someone being well behaved like this girl in the story.

They were happy to call me a bad parent and be judge a child they never ever met ??? And this entitlement and expectancy of "good manners" comes out in weird ways when they interact our children...

Once I was out with my 3 year old daughter in a shop and a staff member given my daughter a sticker with that shops name on it. It was out of a blue thing and she definitely didn't ask for a sticker.... My daughter didn't say "thank you" because that was a stranger to her and she was very shy at the time towards strangers.. And this person made some passive aggressive remark about her manners because of it. When I defended her, she muttered something about my parenting as well... That was so annoying, and damaging to my daughter's confidence.... we gave her the sticker back and left.

Adults shouldn't expect children to perform and act in a certain way and when they don't brand them as rude.

I don't think this is a judgey post at all.
The OP was complementary a couple of times to both the parents and the child on how well behaved and pleasant the child was.
I think the OP was just being curious, as she and her friends are a bit older than most parents of 8-year-olds, and wanted to know if it was usual these days for parents, generally speaking, not to teach their children to say please when stating a preference to something that was offered to them.
Like the OP, I too feel there is something missing when someone states a preference to something that was offered to them and doesn't add 'please'.
This likely speaks to the way the parent(s) were taught themselves.

OP i meet lots of children in my work and think that manners in general have gone downhill. Lots of them don’t say please or thank you and there are also lots of them who won’t even answer you if you as them a simple question like “ what would you like to drink?” They just look at the parent who answers for them!

This is bollocks.
Children don't get taught to say please or thankyou in school now.

For me the please is just a reflex

That’s because you’re a 50/60 year old woman and this was an 8yo child.

I’d much rather my child was well behaved rather than saying please and thank you.

I think manners cost nothing but I also don’t agree that saying please and thank you means that you’re well behaved or grateful.

That is beautiful and I am so very very jealous. My kids say please and thank you for almost everything and to other people for food but only once in a blue moon do they thank me for food

This .
This feels beyond petty the poor kid

Ah! Mine did that, always, until he reached about 4 and then it went out of the window (along with putting things in the bin when needed and tidying up). They go through phases don't they.

My children always said please and thank you . If they didn’t they were reminded!
As adults they always thank people for a meal and any kindness. It’s just normal behaviour in my circle.
I regularly remind my grandchildren about the magic word as their parents do.I judge parents who don’t teach their children manners …sorry!

I just don’t think please is always necessary in contexts like you have described. If someone is asking me what type of something I want, I don’t need to beg them and say please for it.
If someone asks if you want tea or coffee it’s perfectly reasonable and still polite to say ‘oh I would love a cup of tea!’
Expecting a child to be a preforming monkey saying please and thank you non stop in a way that adults don’t is weird.

If only we gave as much thought to creating a child-friendly society in this country, as we give to analysing the fine details of a child's behaviour within a set microcosm/moment of time. And if only we concentrated on valuing their overall character and the wider arc of their development, and seeing snapshots behaviour as a fairly limited indicator of where they are sitting on that arc at any one point in time (and if only we understood that behaviour in any given moment is extensively influenced by any number of factors).

Children can't always be expected to remember to say please and thank you, but parents can - when they were present, they should have reminded her. It's how we learn manners - imagine if you were at a meeting or in a cafe, or something similar, you were asked if you wanted tea or coffee, and you just said tea. No please, or thank you when you were given it, because no-one had taught you this basic social interaction.

Culturally British and other cultures too but not at all a thing in others - they have other cultural traditions and norms.

I taught my son please and thank you so that he would blend in and not be so judged for his social skills (or lack of them!).

I agree with this

I thought this. I saw a film set in India called Cup of Cha and the peo0le never seemed to say please or thank you.

I work in a school so it’s automatic that if a child doesn’t say please where it’s required I will remind them 😅. No one has ever complained. If you expect a obese and if doesn’t come then it’s ok to prompt

I don’t expect my child to say please. I don’t tell him to say it. Or thanks. He’s picked it up at school now, and says both a lot more. But it’s not a thing in our house, really.