Adorable child didn't say please once.

[Kingfisherfly]

I was out with a group yesterday. All adults I know by varying degrees, except for the 8yo of one couple who had her much later in life than the rest of us. Were all in our 50s/60s.

I've seen this child around but never really talked to her before. She's often at "adult" events and is generally smiley and well behaves, occupies herself with an ipad or talks to the adults.

During the course of the afternoon she was often asked would you like drink/ice cream/food and she'd answer the question politely enough, except she never said please. What would you like to drink...J2O.

For me the please is just a reflex and I had to bite my tongue not to add it for her! Do modern parents not do that? Even when speaking to her paremts she wasn't reminded. Her parents did largely leave her to it but she was a credit to them apart from that one thing, that really stood out in it's absence for me.

That was totally my first thought too! ‘But he never once said please!’…

Using older parents as examples is a weird way to try and put down modern parents. I'm probably in the actual age range for a 'modern' parent. My children say please.

I’m nit sure having good manners is going through a phase tbh. Our two, now grown up, sons wouldn’t have been given a drink, or anything else, if they’d not said please and thank you. Teaching good manners is just the basics imo.

Yanbu

Saying 'coffee please' is not begging, don't be ridiculous!

I don't think it's a generational thing. My MIL is in her 80s and fixates on children saying please and thank you from an early age.

DH and I are younger than our 50s and we prompt the DC consistently when they don't say it. They are 6 and 8 and still need prompting an awful lot though, it hasn't yet become automatic for them!

And I would have told you to fuck off away from my child. Don't push your own standards on to others.

I was crossing the road whilst pushing a toddler in a pram and holding a baby. A car stopped for me, I crossed the road. She drove further and drove over a zebra crossing I was just crossing on the next road. She stopped her car on the crossing and shouted 'Well You should have said thank you!!' Good job she's got great manners with all her please and thank yous never mind she tries to run people over for not thanking her.

This is the kind of person I think of when I think about Ps and Q's pendants. People who are actually really fucking rude and petty.

Children at this age can feel a bit overwhelmed by a bunch of adults. They are often focusing hard on the question and forget to say please or thank you. Some of them are quite shy and use as few words as possible. When I was this age I remember one women saying that she called all boys Tiger and all girls Daisy. I thought she was rather rude for not bothering to use our proper names and I also thought I would much rather be a tiger than a daisy. I also remember the adults who would interrogate you on something that they thought you should have learnt and try to catch you out. Dickens described this type of adult perfectly in one of his books.

But presumably you're bringing your kids up to say please and thank you?

Ds (7) got school points this week for being the only one to say please and thank you for his food at after school club, whilst I was pleased he hadn't forgotten his manners it surprised me that the others don't say it!

You would've told someone to fuck off for reminding your child to say please?..... Do you not say please when asking for something or at least thank you if offered?

I notice please/thank you is becoming non-standard when I'm shopping, for example.
Other customers don't say it to the clerks, clerks don't say it reflexively to customers. It really stands out to me! And I've had more than one awkward interaction not knowing if the transaction was complete as the clerk said nothing after I swiped my card. 😵‍💫
I had to ask, Is it done? And a shocked reply, Oh, uh, yeah. It was like, oh, are you still here?

Oh this really winds me up. I can just about being told the price (as if I didn't already know) without a please, but when they can't be arsed to thank the customers who have just spent their hard earned cash in their shop (the thing that literally keeps them afloat and in jobs) then that really ticks me off. So rude.

Do the parents say please? I noticed my friend’s kids never say please or thank you and then I realized my friend never does either - she is otherwise polite.

Just a random thought- what does performative politeness teach kids? That they should just accept and be grateful. How would this help them protect themselves from all sorts of risks out there such as grooming, being taken advantage of etc.

Eh? They are modern parents in that they are parents in the present day. Age has nothing to do with it.

This.

It's quite common for kids not to add a please when they are asked like this rather than asking themselves. It's a different context linguistically.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill - sounds like she's generally a delightful kid who copes really well at a lot of adult events!

Why don't you just tell her to say please if it bothers you?

I disagree with this. Raising kids is a community effort. I don't think the kid did anything wrong and wouldn't have cared about whether she said please. But I also would have been happy for another adult to model it if they care about it. It is how kids learn and it's fine that people have different standards to me. It's not realistic that no other adults will have an influence on your precious child.

If my child came and spoke to me about it after I would tell her that I wouldn't have made her say please, but some adults care about it, so she can decide whether she wants to start doing it or not.

I've heard it all now. FFS.

I believe she means that it’s not anyone else’s job to correct or instruct her child. It’s up to her if chooses to.

Please and thank you are indeed very much reflexes that are embedded by parental reinforcement. Say something to the parents, not the child - saying something to the child is about as useful as giving children dietary advice when they are being fed by other people!

🙄 I suppose you think 50 year olds share their values with Victorians.

Honestly, one transaction in particular, per my post, left me at first wondering what was taking so long for my receipt. Did the transaction not go through? iyswim. So, I asked, and she turned and looked at me it really was a, You're still here? kind of look.
Not only did she not indicate the transaction was complete, with a simple, Yes, Thanks, she was astonished I wanted a receipt. It was all so weird and awkward.
Another time I was in line watching the interactions in front of me and several customers didn't say, Thanks, when the clerk packed their groceries. They just waited, swiped and left after the clerk told them their card was Ok. That kind of wound me up, tbh. I even asked the clerk if it is common that people don't acknowledge her and say Thanks. She said, All day long. And she was super pleasant as well, so no reason whatsoever to just brush her off.

You sound charming!

As your child's teacher would you also tell me the same thing if I did it in school? No wonder our schools and streets are full of unruly children with parents like you around.