Adorable child didn't say please once.

[Kingfisherfly]

I was out with a group yesterday. All adults I know by varying degrees, except for the 8yo of one couple who had her much later in life than the rest of us. Were all in our 50s/60s.

I've seen this child around but never really talked to her before. She's often at "adult" events and is generally smiley and well behaves, occupies herself with an ipad or talks to the adults.

During the course of the afternoon she was often asked would you like drink/ice cream/food and she'd answer the question politely enough, except she never said please. What would you like to drink...J2O.

For me the please is just a reflex and I had to bite my tongue not to add it for her! Do modern parents not do that? Even when speaking to her paremts she wasn't reminded. Her parents did largely leave her to it but she was a credit to them apart from that one thing, that really stood out in it's absence for me.

I don't get this obsession with please and thank yous.... It is performative and that trains children to say things they don't mean.

You are offering her a drink and she is saying what she wants, isn't that enough? You are only going to hand her a drink, not going to donate your kidney ?

I said she was beautifully behaved and a credit to her parents. I was interested that parents who clearly are raising her to behave well don't expect please.

Just because your children are impolite, doesn't mean we should all aim as low for our children.

My child says "J20, please" because she has manners.

I wasn't moaning at all. Everything I said about the child was complimentary. I was interested that this seems very different to when I was raising mine, when parents were always prompting young children for their pleases. No where have I said one way is better than the other.

In fact I have often felt that the rigid prescribed "manners" of me amd my parents may have done more harm than good, hence I was interested.

Yes, it may well be. It wouldn't have been when I was a child, which is why I was asking if expectations are different now.

No outrage whatsoever, just curiosity. You must be very bored indeed to bother responding though. I'd hazzard a guess most people on MN don't have anything particualrly pressing or exciting to be doing instead 🤣

How have you extrapolated from one child to make a judgement about "modern parents"?

I'm in my fifties and my dd is already an adult, but I know plenty of young children who know how to say please and thank you. It seems that this particular child hasn't been taught to do so, but that doesn't say anything about the rest of her generation.

I haven't made any judgement anywhere. I asked a question.

My parents are in their 60/70s and they were modern enough to teach me so that manners are a reflex for me, and I’ve taught my child the same, she’s 9

Missing a single word doesn’t mean children are impolite. If a child is constantly interrupting you with an “excuse me” does that make them polite? If they are otherwise well behaved, missing a please isn’t a problem.

But it's an odd question if it relates to an entire generation of children based on one child?

We all say things we don't mean, all the time. You meet a friend, she says she's just been to the hairdresser, privately you think it looks awful but out loud you say something polite. We all have to learn to do this kind of thing. It oils the wheels. Saying please, thank you, excuse me, sorry and so on acknowledges that you are intereacting with another human being who is doing you a favour. It shows you don't take that for granted. If you allow your children to grow up speaking in a way that many others will find rude, you are doing them a disservice.

Please and thank you are designed for the benefit of the person you are saying them to, not to gratify the person saying them. We say please and thank you for things we don't really care about nor are massively grateful for all the time. Its a very important part of functioning in society and costs absolutely nothing. This idea that we have to be true to our own thoughts and feelings at all times is the kind of philosophy that makes children think the world revolves around them. Children should have good manners drummed into them from a young age because it makes them more likeable, makes other people feel valued and keeps the cogs in polite society oiled up nicely. I couldn't give two hoots if my kids feel grateful for the 4p change they receive at the shop or the gift they already have, they say thank-you without thinking because it is the right thing to do.

I was forever telling mine, and now the Gdcs, ‘Yes please! Or No thank you.
My DF used to say, ‘Yes - what - who!’
We had to say yes please, Daddy, or whoever it was.
He was a stickler for manners, but I’d prefer that to the other way around.

When I was in primary school…. The few children with old age parents (50+), were not adequately parented. I remember my mum telling me it was the same when she was at school when I was asking why X, Y and Z don’t get told off for….
I know this post will ruffle some feathers…, but I still think this is generally true. I will add I know a lovely girl who is 10 with parents mid and late 50s, she always calls adults Mrs/Miss/Mr X and asks what their surname is if she doesn’t know and is very polite and lovely. So I’m not saying this is always true, but it has been a pattern for a long time….

Abso-bloody-lutely!

Your title is ‘adorable child didn’t say please once’…..you’re honestly saying that there is no judgement there??! You then go on to suggest it’s because of gentle parenting from an older parent….again - no judgement? Ok then.

Our DGS is now six and has never been taught any manners whatsoever. No please, thank you, hello, goodbye, ever. His DPs clearly don't think it's important. Sadly, we do and it makes things awkward.

It’s not performative it’s very basic manners. Extremely rude not to say please and thank you.

It's rude.

You carry on raising your children without manners. And I'll raise mine with them.

😆 Great idea for a present for her next birthday there! (Even if The Elephant and the Bad Baby is a bit young for a 9 year old)

Well I'm an "old age parent", and I can assure you that I've drummed good manners into my DC!

i once corrected a 65 year old man as he asked my colleague to do something and didn’t say please, it’s a default for me being a parent as we have instilled this in our child. There’s no reason not to say please and it would have annoyed me also.

I feel quite ragey if children don't say please and thank you. We share a lot of lifts for Scouts ( so 10-14 and old enough to know better.) All the boys are polite and say please and thank you, except one. I gave him a couple of chances, then he didn't get a lift again. My DS definitely has manners, my friend would definitely tell me and pull him up on it if he didn't.

I was about to suggest The Elephant the Bad Baby for her Christmas present!