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Original poster

He said my sister's name

34 replies

Zebrabottle · Today 07:43

I can't believe that this happened. It's like a bad film cliche. But last night when DH and I were having sex, he said my sister's name!
I know it sounds like something out of EastEnders but it genuinely happened, and I have had a sleepless night as a result.
I challenged him on it, and then that made it worse because at first he denied it and then said it was a joke.
I thought our marriage was fine. I love my sister. I have a good relationship with her (I think). There has never been any suspicion of my DH in any way let alone with her.

I have changed my name for this thread because I know she uses Mumsnet sometimes. I don't know what to do. It could genuinely have been a joke of his. Or, horribly, a fantasy of some kind. Or obviously the worst possible scenario (which would ruin my life).

Should I mention it to my sister? Mention it to him again? Let it drop?

OP posts:
Delici · Today 07:46

I wouldn’t mention it to your sister (because why?) but would discuss how it’s made you feel with your Dh.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · Today 07:53

Sorry OP but your DH would have to be a pretty sick or cruel man to do this as a joke.
It really sounds as though he fantasises about her.
You really need a serious discussion with your H about this because it's not something that can be forgotten.

I 'm afraid I would also be watching closely the way he and her interact with with each other.

PashaMinaMio · Today 07:57

Let it drop but maybe keep your antenna up?
Maybe he just had a fantasy moment? Try not to get too het up. It will cloud your judgement.

It’s not very flattering for you but if you start banging on about it to him too much you might blow it out of proportion and then find yourself dealing with stuff you don’t want to?

Only you know what’s best.

As for your sister, she’s powerless to do anything about it.

It’s a challenge but I’m sure others will come along with better advice.

matchaleaf · Today 07:58

Is your sister's name a common name? Could he have been referring to someone else with the same name (also awful but different kind of awful!)?

peonysinthesun · Today 07:58

I would be doing some serious digging, especially checking his phone.

MNLurker1345 · Today 07:58

OP it wasn’t a joke and it is not funny. I couldn’t mention it to my sister if it was me.

You have to get to the bottom of this with your DH. Don’t let it go. I bet he wants to move on, but what is going on in his head?

RS1987 · Today 08:01

No reason to mention it to sister

foxinasnowstorm · Today 08:03

That would be it for me I’m afraid. Joke or not it would turn my stomach.

coolwind · Today 08:28

Not good Angry

Doggodoggo · Today 08:32

Ask to see his phone. You will probably be able to tell if anything dodgy is going on by his reaction.

Owenspannas · Today 08:34

My DH said his ex’s name in bed once. I read some bullcrap about it being because we are both stored in the “lover” part of his brain. I don’t know if I believe that but if it’s true, it’s not great he said your sister’s name and would suggest he thinks about her in that way.

cheesepasties · Today 08:34

Gosh. Is it definitely your sister and not just a randomer with the same name?

BiddlyBipBipBeeBop · Today 08:36

It wasn’t a joke, that is just backpedaling. She was in his mind in that moment. Whether that’s just fantasy on his part or because something is happening is difficult to say, but if you’ve no reason to distrust your sister I wouldn’t mention it to her. She’d most likely be rightfully horrified. I would be looking at my husband in a very different light though if it were me. I’d be wondering what he was thinking every time we had sex. I don’t think I could get past that.

OuijaBoard · Today 08:37

Not a joke; denying he said it as soon as you asked defeats the very purpose of making a joke. I would ask him again but avoid accusing him of anything specific; just tell him that the subject isn't closed, it's bothering you, and an explanation is needed.

A lot depends on how common your sister's name is; if it's not rare, it seems fairly likely that he's fantasising about someone with the same name. Could be an affair, or a crush, or maybe a celeb, etc. (pure fantasy). It's not pleasant for you, but it's not super unusual either. There are a lot of possibilities but of course you're going to think the worst if he refuses immediately to even consider being honest with you.

hollyreccos · Today 08:38

I wouldn’t leap to an affair with your sister, but I would assume he was fantasising either about her or someone with the same name.

shockthemonkey · Today 08:40

“As for your sister, she’s powerless to do anything about it.”

Unless, of course, she is having an affair with your DH.

Very sorry OP. I’d be watching carefully. I do hope it’s not as bad as you fear…

TheBrynGhost · Today 08:55

Unless your sister's name is unique in the world, it will be someone else with that name that is occupying his thoughts.

Sorry you have this in your life.

Whyaremyradiatorsgreen · Today 08:57

Oh god, how awful for you op. I mean, at the start of my current relationship I slipped up a couple of times and called my now DH by exes name, he did the same with me, but not during sex.
Is it a common name? I think you have to discuss this with him further. And no, unless you have any suspicion that there is actually something going on with your sister (I want to say surely not! Because….it is your SISTER!) I wouldn’t say anything to her. I’d be utterly mortified if my sister told me her husband did that!

Backawayfromthesausage · Today 08:58

Don’t tell your sister, it’s not fair to bring her into this. What the hell does she do with that info.

if you think he’s that sick of a fuck he’s joke like that in sex then end it, the other alternate is he’s fantasising about her. And well, that’s an end it scenario too.

DurinsBane · Today 08:59

Delici · Today 07:46

I wouldn’t mention it to your sister (because why?) but would discuss how it’s made you feel with your Dh.

Because now the op is worried they could be having an affair

asdbaybeeee · Today 09:01

He needs to give a better explanation it’s not a joke and it’s not funny. I wonder what his reaction would be if you said another man’s name??

it’s not random he’s either thinking about your sister (or another women with same name) or he’s having a affair with your sister or another women with same name.

FartSock5000 · Today 09:04

@Zebrabottle so he's thinking about your poor sister when he's having sex with you?

Wow. This would be a deal breaker for me.

If you can manage not to be imagining Jason Momoa or Tom Hardy when he's giving you his 2 pump chump efforts then he should be able to not be pretending he's with your sister.

You are worth more, you deserve more and there are other men out there who would be very happy to be with you because clearly this man isn't.

AnotherOneDown · Today 09:05

Concerning he said another's name during sex.

Please don't tell your sister. Unless your sister's name is Trixie-Ophelia, I would go with the starting point that it is another woman with the same name because that will do your head in less and frankly, this is enough on its own to be a major deal.

And yes, antenna and guard up. Someone else's name during sex is MASSIVELY problematic.

Original poster
Zebrabottle · Today 09:28

Thank you all. It is a pretty common name, but he used a short version of it that he uses when he talks to her as well, which makes me doubt it's someone else with the same name (think Catherine/Kate).

He definitely wasn't joking. He said he was but that came after the original denial. He was clearly thinking about my sister or someone with the same shortened name. Urgh.

OP posts:
Alwaysthesameoldstory · Today 09:34

Sorry OP but your update definitely seems to confirn that he was fantasising about your sister.
Do you and he have a lot of contact with your sister? Would you have described them as having a close relationship?