He said my sister's name

[Zebrabottle]

I can't believe that this happened. It's like a bad film cliche. But last night when DH and I were having sex, he said my sister's name!
I know it sounds like something out of EastEnders but it genuinely happened, and I have had a sleepless night as a result.
I challenged him on it, and then that made it worse because at first he denied it and then said it was a joke.
I thought our marriage was fine. I love my sister. I have a good relationship with her (I think). There has never been any suspicion of my DH in any way let alone with her.

I have changed my name for this thread because I know she uses Mumsnet sometimes. I don't know what to do. It could genuinely have been a joke of his. Or, horribly, a fantasy of some kind. Or obviously the worst possible scenario (which would ruin my life).

Should I mention it to my sister? Mention it to him again? Let it drop?

It wasn't a joke. At the very least he's fantasising about your sister whilst having sex with you, and that's cringe. At this point I don't think it's wise to be telling your sister. Yes, she could be having a full blown affair with your husband but if you trust her, then there's no reason to believe she's doing this. I think the likely scenario is that your husband likes to fantasise about your sister, whilst he's 'taking care of himself' and whilst having sex with you. It was a slip of the tongue. Regardless, it's a slap in the face to you.

I'd be blunt with him...'Do you fantasise about my sister during sex? Think very carefully, on your answer, because I don't want stupid, lies from you, that insult my intelligence'.

I'm sorry, OP, this is just horrible and you must be reeling with hurt and shock.

The problem is that accepting that the vast majority of men fantasise during sex is very different to having it so blatantly confirmed. And unfortunately, it can't be unheard.

I suppose the rational way forward is to try to work out whether you want this to be the end of the relationship or not. You now hold all the cards so please don't be gaslit into pretending to believe this was a joke just so normality can resume.

I know men fantasising about other women during sex happens but how accurate is your assertion that it's the " vast majority"? Is that based on actual research?

Does the research differentiate between men in supposedly happy and intimate relationships and those having casual sex?

This idea that the vast majority of men in supposedly loving relationships are thinking about other women whilst being intimate with their partner actually is very depressing and really feeds into the narrative men are incapable of truly loving their partner.

Researchers Hicks and Leitenberg (2001; Journal of Sex Research) found that 98% of men in relationships reported fantasies about someone other than their partner within the past 2 months.

An accessible, lay article was pubished in a magazine in 2002 discussed the impact of this on relationships:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/202203/can-fantasizing-about-other-people-ruin-relationship

Another accessible, lay article specifically addressed the frequency of fantasing about others during sex: https://nypost.com/2023/09/08/almost-half-of-americans-think-about-someone-else-during-sex-study/
But bear in mind here issues such as social desirability bias in responding.

Me too, I’m afraid.

@Alwaysthesameoldstory "This idea that the vast majority of men in supposedly loving relationships are thinking about other women whilst being intimate with their partner actually is very depressing and really feeds into the narrative men are incapable of truly loving their partner."

Men compartmentalise their emotions in a way that women rarely understand, especially between love and sex. Sex is the most powerful driving force for men and they are able to very easily detach it from love or anything else for that matter. That's why when they say a one night stand meant nothing, they actually mean it. They basically had sex with a piece of meat that they liked the look of. Women can do this too but generally to a lesser extent and their feelings of guilt towards their husband or partner would be genuine. Men are usually only concerned about getting caught because they know they'll be in big trouble and not because they inherently think what they've done is morally wrong. I will of course end this with the Mumsnet caveat of "not all men" but it is a very high proportion of them.

Thanks very much for those links
@MissyMooPoo2

I'll read them later today although I find the subject extremely depressing and it makes me profoundly glad I'm not in a relationship with anyone. I don't have good self esteem and knowing there was a high chance my partner was thinking of someone else whilst supposedly being intimate with me would damage my self worth even more.

Well if it was a joke, it was a deeply cruel and nasty joke, and I don't think I would want to be around someone who thought saying something so hurtful was funny.

And if it wasn't a joke (which of course it wasn't), then he fantasises about your sister when having sex with you, and I don't think I would want to be around someone who uses me that way.

Either way, it's a giant ick. I couldn't come back from that. Saying something stupid is sometimes forgiveable - lying about it is the dealbreaker for me. It's the contempt that would give me the ick.

Devastating for you OP. I couldn’t get past this.

Or he just said the wrong name. I once called my boss Dad. Really wasn't thinking of my Dad at the time

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I get what you're saying - we can all make mistakes and say the wrong word.

But we don't do is then lie about, and deny it happened, and then claim it was a joke.

Could be another woman with the same name as your sister, an ex or someone he fantasies about. Or it could be your worst nightmare, you know your sister best.

You might if you did something that utterly idiotic and panicked. People do stupid stuff, and then compound it by doing something even stupider