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Original poster

He said my sister's name

233 replies

Zebrabottle · 28/04/2026 07:43

I can't believe that this happened. It's like a bad film cliche. But last night when DH and I were having sex, he said my sister's name!
I know it sounds like something out of EastEnders but it genuinely happened, and I have had a sleepless night as a result.
I challenged him on it, and then that made it worse because at first he denied it and then said it was a joke.
I thought our marriage was fine. I love my sister. I have a good relationship with her (I think). There has never been any suspicion of my DH in any way let alone with her.

I have changed my name for this thread because I know she uses Mumsnet sometimes. I don't know what to do. It could genuinely have been a joke of his. Or, horribly, a fantasy of some kind. Or obviously the worst possible scenario (which would ruin my life).

Should I mention it to my sister? Mention it to him again? Let it drop?

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 28/04/2026 09:47

It wasn't a joke. At the very least he's fantasising about your sister whilst having sex with you, and that's cringe. At this point I don't think it's wise to be telling your sister. Yes, she could be having a full blown affair with your husband but if you trust her, then there's no reason to believe she's doing this. I think the likely scenario is that your husband likes to fantasise about your sister, whilst he's 'taking care of himself' and whilst having sex with you. It was a slip of the tongue. Regardless, it's a slap in the face to you.

I'd be blunt with him...'Do you fantasise about my sister during sex? Think very carefully, on your answer, because I don't want stupid, lies from you, that insult my intelligence'.

MissyMooPoo2 · 28/04/2026 10:21

I'm sorry, OP, this is just horrible and you must be reeling with hurt and shock.

The problem is that accepting that the vast majority of men fantasise during sex is very different to having it so blatantly confirmed. And unfortunately, it can't be unheard.

I suppose the rational way forward is to try to work out whether you want this to be the end of the relationship or not. You now hold all the cards so please don't be gaslit into pretending to believe this was a joke just so normality can resume.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 28/04/2026 10:32

MissyMooPoo2 · 28/04/2026 10:21

I'm sorry, OP, this is just horrible and you must be reeling with hurt and shock.

The problem is that accepting that the vast majority of men fantasise during sex is very different to having it so blatantly confirmed. And unfortunately, it can't be unheard.

I suppose the rational way forward is to try to work out whether you want this to be the end of the relationship or not. You now hold all the cards so please don't be gaslit into pretending to believe this was a joke just so normality can resume.

I know men fantasising about other women during sex happens but how accurate is your assertion that it's the " vast majority"? Is that based on actual research?

Does the research differentiate between men in supposedly happy and intimate relationships and those having casual sex?

This idea that the vast majority of men in supposedly loving relationships are thinking about other women whilst being intimate with their partner actually is very depressing and really feeds into the narrative men are incapable of truly loving their partner.

MissyMooPoo2 · 28/04/2026 10:50

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 28/04/2026 10:32

I know men fantasising about other women during sex happens but how accurate is your assertion that it's the " vast majority"? Is that based on actual research?

Does the research differentiate between men in supposedly happy and intimate relationships and those having casual sex?

This idea that the vast majority of men in supposedly loving relationships are thinking about other women whilst being intimate with their partner actually is very depressing and really feeds into the narrative men are incapable of truly loving their partner.

Edited
Show quote history

Researchers Hicks and Leitenberg (2001; Journal of Sex Research) found that 98% of men in relationships reported fantasies about someone other than their partner within the past 2 months.

An accessible, lay article was pubished in a magazine in 2002 discussed the impact of this on relationships:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/202203/can-fantasizing-about-other-people-ruin-relationship

Another accessible, lay article specifically addressed the frequency of fantasing about others during sex: https://nypost.com/2023/09/08/almost-half-of-americans-think-about-someone-else-during-sex-study/
But bear in mind here issues such as social desirability bias in responding.

Can Fantasizing About Other People Ruin a Relationship?

Sexual fantasies about other people are common in many relationships; however, new research suggests the impact may be different depending on how sexually satisfied we already are.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/myths-desire/202203/can-fantasizing-about-other-people-ruin-relationship

FormerCautiousLurker · 28/04/2026 11:09

foxinasnowstorm · 28/04/2026 08:03

That would be it for me I’m afraid. Joke or not it would turn my stomach.

Me too, I’m afraid.

ginasevern · 28/04/2026 11:09

@Alwaysthesameoldstory "This idea that the vast majority of men in supposedly loving relationships are thinking about other women whilst being intimate with their partner actually is very depressing and really feeds into the narrative men are incapable of truly loving their partner."

Men compartmentalise their emotions in a way that women rarely understand, especially between love and sex. Sex is the most powerful driving force for men and they are able to very easily detach it from love or anything else for that matter. That's why when they say a one night stand meant nothing, they actually mean it. They basically had sex with a piece of meat that they liked the look of. Women can do this too but generally to a lesser extent and their feelings of guilt towards their husband or partner would be genuine. Men are usually only concerned about getting caught because they know they'll be in big trouble and not because they inherently think what they've done is morally wrong. I will of course end this with the Mumsnet caveat of "not all men" but it is a very high proportion of them.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 28/04/2026 11:14

Thanks very much for those links
@MissyMooPoo2

I'll read them later today although I find the subject extremely depressing and it makes me profoundly glad I'm not in a relationship with anyone. I don't have good self esteem and knowing there was a high chance my partner was thinking of someone else whilst supposedly being intimate with me would damage my self worth even more.

ClawedButler · 28/04/2026 11:16

Well if it was a joke, it was a deeply cruel and nasty joke, and I don't think I would want to be around someone who thought saying something so hurtful was funny.

And if it wasn't a joke (which of course it wasn't), then he fantasises about your sister when having sex with you, and I don't think I would want to be around someone who uses me that way.

Either way, it's a giant ick. I couldn't come back from that. Saying something stupid is sometimes forgiveable - lying about it is the dealbreaker for me. It's the contempt that would give me the ick.

Bringflowersofthefairest · 28/04/2026 11:39

Devastating for you OP. I couldn’t get past this.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/04/2026 13:45

Zebrabottle · 28/04/2026 09:28

Thank you all. It is a pretty common name, but he used a short version of it that he uses when he talks to her as well, which makes me doubt it's someone else with the same name (think Catherine/Kate).

He definitely wasn't joking. He said he was but that came after the original denial. He was clearly thinking about my sister or someone with the same shortened name. Urgh.

Or he just said the wrong name. I once called my boss Dad. Really wasn't thinking of my Dad at the time

ClawedButler · 28/04/2026 13:51

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I get what you're saying - we can all make mistakes and say the wrong word.

But we don't do is then lie about, and deny it happened, and then claim it was a joke.

catipuss · 28/04/2026 13:56

Could be another woman with the same name as your sister, an ex or someone he fantasies about. Or it could be your worst nightmare, you know your sister best.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/04/2026 13:56

ClawedButler · 28/04/2026 13:51

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I get what you're saying - we can all make mistakes and say the wrong word.

But we don't do is then lie about, and deny it happened, and then claim it was a joke.

You might if you did something that utterly idiotic and panicked. People do stupid stuff, and then compound it by doing something even stupider

MissyMooPoo2 · 28/04/2026 14:43

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/04/2026 13:45

Or he just said the wrong name. I once called my boss Dad. Really wasn't thinking of my Dad at the time

Show quote history

And were you having sex at the time?

Original poster
Zebrabottle · 28/04/2026 15:31

Thanks again everyone. I really don't know. I have been thinking about it all day. It was just so out of character and the more I think about it the worse I feel.
I wasn't totally clear earlier and I don't know if this makes a difference. Maybe I am overthinking it now. It actually happened immediately afterwards. He finished, and said (sorry for the language) 'Fucking hell sister's name, that felt good'. Saying something like that isn't out of character, but obviously the name was. Makes me think he thought he had just shagged her 😢

OP posts:
Nofeckingway · 28/04/2026 15:38

Oh your update is horrible . That is so upsetting for you . I know fantasy is often part of sex but when it seems to involve thoughts of your sister , it's awful . Even if he isn't having an affair with her he seems to be sexually attracted to her . And that is a horrible thought for you and quite possibly for her . Do you have any reason to think that they might be having an affair ?

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 28/04/2026 15:49

I would set some bate, and tell your sister that you’ve found out that your DH is having an affair. Not who with, just that he is.

Then watch and wait.

I would bet money that they’re having an affair tbh. You don’t mention someone’s name during sex unless you’ve had sex with them. Not someone you know anyway.

JustGiveMeTheNoodles · 28/04/2026 15:56

Do people actually use names when having sex

Northermcharn · 28/04/2026 15:58

There are 2 possible explanations within the realms of reality:

  1. He fantasises about her
  2. He's having an affair with her and they have had sex.

Both horrendous. I'm sorry op.

It's Probably 1). In which case - can you cope with it or is it a deal breaker? Do you have children?

HoppityBun · 28/04/2026 16:00

Ask him to explain things joke to you

Beachtastic · 28/04/2026 16:07

It actually happened immediately afterwards. He finished, and said (sorry for the language) 'Fucking hell sister's name, that felt good'.

Hmm I am not a suspicious type, but this sort of banter sounds like a moment of inattention rather than a deep absorption in some kind of fantasy. Sort of as though he forgot who he was with, rather than was imagining being with someone else. I hope I'm wrong OP. God knows what you do to work out what's going on, if anything!

Wynter25 · 28/04/2026 16:08

JustGiveMeTheNoodles · 28/04/2026 15:56

Do people actually use names when having sex

Yes

Lampzade · 28/04/2026 16:11

Zebrabottle · 28/04/2026 09:28

Thank you all. It is a pretty common name, but he used a short version of it that he uses when he talks to her as well, which makes me doubt it's someone else with the same name (think Catherine/Kate).

He definitely wasn't joking. He said he was but that came after the original denial. He was clearly thinking about my sister or someone with the same shortened name. Urgh.

Sorry Op
He was obviously fantasising about your sister during sex .
It would put me right off him tbh.
Just gross

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 28/04/2026 16:12

I'm sorry OP but your update makes it sound more than fantasy.
It makes it sound as though he actualky does have sex with her and momentarily forgot which one of you he was with.

Greenknightsuccess · 28/04/2026 16:18

I had a boyfriend (more than 30 years ago) and he once said his own twin sister’s name when we having sex. Now that was a turn off.