Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

I wonder what @GlovedhandsCecilia makes of this?

So the father of the OP's two DDs is dead.

And it's a council tenancy

But it was never her room in the first place until her father moved in with you. Her room is at her mother's home.

Your girls get their own room. We swapped rooms once dd1 left. She does still have a room but it’s not the big one. She was upset at the thought before moving but once actually moved out..wasn’t. I’d just say this is what is happening then don’t talk about it till she’s moved and just do it.

I'm curious - and not a little suspicious - about your DH's living arrangements before he moved in with you. Parents/room in a shared house/grotty flat? Nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs a house when he meets a woman who's got one.

Your girls were sharing because of your husband's health needs. You didn't have the will to deal with things quickly after his death, which is perfectly understandable. So I wonder if you were vulnerable still when you met him and he saw that to his advantage?

No way should your two be sharing a room when the other is empty except for at most 48 nights a year (out of 365 - that's 13%).

What you've got yourself, OP, is a cuckoo in the nest. Actually a pair of cuckoos. For your girls' sake you need to make a stand here.

I'm not from the UK, but would she not have exams coming up soon?

After reading the updates, your DH and DSD have some cheek, she’s being whiney about she can’t share a room once a month that used to be hers??
She seems entitled and petulant, give your girls a room each, it was their home that DH and DSD came to, also you can declare him living there but no need for joint tenancy.

I think it’s fine. I’ve got SC but even my own DC now have to share when they are here as I’m not keeping a room like a shrine to them! There’s always room for everyone to have a bed, they can come and go when they please, they have keys etc, and that’s all that matters, that everyone is made to feel welcome.

In another few years we’ll lose another to uni and then finally I can turn a room into a home office! I need the space more than someone else needs it to sleep in a handful of times a year!

She also has a 16 year old. So two of them have major exams coming up soon unless the OP says otherwise?

I'd be telling your husband that this is no longer up for debate. His daughter has enjoyed her teenage years never having to share, and now it's your daughters' turn to enjoy that privilege. Why is their comfort less important than SD's?

Agree with this.

@LeavingForUni I can't believe you have allowed dd to be treated like this in her own home.
She will always remember that you prioritised your dh and his daughter who comes to stay infrequently, over her.

What about the relational concern regarding her own daughters, who share a room while another goes virtually unused? I don't think they feel very prioritised in this current setup. Nor have they for years.

I feel sorry that the OP lost her husband and her kids lost their dad, but it doesnt change things for me.

If I split with my husband, or he died, and I moved another man in our home and he had a child, then we have some responsibility as a couple to house that child appropriately. I personally do not think it is appropriate to assume they will be ok sharing with a stepsibling. So when the OP decided to move her husband in to this place she knows it will be hard to upsize, that to me would have been me committing to my bio children sharing for the long term.

We have 3 bedrooms and the step child ive agreed to house along with my now partner needs one of them as it isn't ok for us to give her no choice but to share with my kids. That is how I see it.

We discussed this again and dh says he will look into the garden room idea which he is prepared to fund. Not sure it will be possible we will have to contact the LA about planning permission but it’s for occasional use so might be allowed ? Either way he is going to let DSD know the room will be dd1 from beginning of the summer holidays. I showed him this thread and he did apologise to me

@LeavingForUni on a separate note is he helping fund his DD at uni?

Her mum's house where she spends the majority of her time and has her own room there?

What if you had a boy and a girl though? Would you be expecting them to share a bedroom indefinitely while the other girl had a room to herself?

@LeavingForUniI’m glad things have progressed. I would suggest that DSD is involved in coming up with solutions with the parameters that your 2 DDs cannot share any longer.

DSDay be agreeable to something neither of you have suggested yet.

Such as you & DH moving to the other large bedroom then DD2 & DSD sharing with a new layout they have planned together.

I wouldnt do it if I did have a boy and a girl..I wouldn't have done it with 2 daughters. But OP did. If I had made the decision to do it, I wouldnt expect the SD to share with one of my kids. I don't think that is right. So by default, my kids would be sharing the room.

Absolutely, I'm not discounting anyone, as I said, everyone needs to feel safe and wanted.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure there must have been some time between the loss of your previous DH and someone else moving in though? . Anyway it sounds like you
are figuring it out now which is great - best of luck with it! .

One thing to also remember, is that I don't think DSD and her dad have been living that long in the house. DSD is shortly going off to uni whilst her dad now has a family life with the other girls in the house. Siblings can struggle at uni whilst family life continues at home, that must be harder when the young people dad is having family life with aren't related to DSD. So she might be acting as spoilt brat or she might be struggling with the concept of dad having family life without her. And ad might also be feeling slightly guilty on this front too

Well there is a CoL crisis. Make them share and rent a room out, you're not made of bedrooms!

My brother was literally moving his crap into my room as I was packing up for going to university 🤣 there was always space/room/sofa bed for me to use if/when I came home for holidays, but it wasn’t “my room”, it was a room in my parents house, because “my room” was wherever I was living at Uni. I never felt pushed out, I chose to leave the house, I’d never have expected my brother to sleep in a small single room when there was a big double empty.

Younger daughters who live there full time get a room each. When DSD visits occasionally she gets small room on her own and the 2 daughters share big room. This seems the fairest and DSD not needing to share is best. She has her own room at her mum's too.

It’s really not a good idea to let DSD think she can’t come home cos someone else is sleeping in ‘her’ room.
could you talk to her? In her shoes, I’d be deeply hurt and she is after all, your husband’s daughter.