Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

We had a move around just after Xmas this year. Our eldest is in his third year at uni, but only second year as changed course and had to resit year one. We had tried to keep his room for him etc, but his youngest brother was in a tiny bedroom and his room, the second biggest, was sitting empty most of the year. So I spoke to him and asked how he’s feel about his younger brother taking that room, and we’d either let him have the small room when he was back (but no space for a desk, tv etc) or we would convert the playroom into a space for him. He chose the playroom. We have a sofa bed with a proper mattress arriving this week (was supposed to be here 2 weeks ago so it should have been in time for when he got back), I’ve asked him about what colour he wants the room repainting, we have his desk set up and wall mounted the tv for him. It works out better when he goes out as he’s not crashing about up the stairs, and because it will be a sofa too, he’s got space to have guests.

Do you have anywhere else in the house you can use to convert into a bedroom for her when she is home? It could maybe be used for other purposes when she’s not home (eg a dining room) but is fully hers when she is back?

There are legitimate competing needs here. Ideally, with an 18yo going off to uni, I'd try hard to keep their room as is especially for the first year. BUT in this specific case there's a pre-existing problem which is that a 16yo and 14yo are sharing a bedroom when there is another bedroom in the house that is mainly used for storage. That has needed to be fixed for some time, as you say, and I can see why you think the transition to uni could smooth over the change and make it seem less upsetting or unfair.

Your house is your daughters' only home and will be until they are old enough to be on their own; their need is greater RIGHT NOW than DSDs, and will continue to be so unless something unexpected happens that causes DSD to live with you full time, in which case the situation can be reevaluated and rooms shuffled again.

There are replies claiming that it's not right for you to take away your husband's ability to give his daughter his own room just because YOU cannot afford to give your daughters their own rooms. But the reality is that you and your husband TOGETHER can't support a 4BR house where each of the three children could have their own room. His desire to keep his daughter comfortable and happy is commendable, but not at the expense of your daughters. The decision-making here is lopsided - why do the wishes of two people in the household matter so much more than those of the other three?

I had to move out of my bedroom when I went to Uni, as I had the only decent bedroom out of me and my siblings. So my sister moved in to mine and I had to move out into her room which was a shared room (sort of partitioned) with my brother. I never felt at home again to be honest and there was no blended family involved!
I think it's the right decision tbh it makes no sense to have a separate room that is not used regularly.

You have to I can’t just have someone living here and not disclose it you have to follow the tenancy conditions

Only on Mumsnet are stepchildren treated as if they are the second coming! The DSD has her own bedroom at her mother's house, but no, that isn't enough, she also has to have a second room held in reserve for the 12 nights a year that she deigns to use it. Meanwhile, the OP's daughters are squashed in together and the eldest one will likely never have the opportunity to enjoy having a room of her own as she will doubtless be going to Uni before the DSD finishes! For God's sake OP give your girls their own rooms and tell your DH to stop being ridiculous!

It's not fair for there to be an empty room set up for a person who's not there the majority of the time. While the two full time members of the household must share. I think it's fair she takes it in turns to share with the other two.

Absolutely this. You’ll probably be torn to shreds but FWIW I agree with you.

@Thebigarsedbitch they are not treated as the second coming, they are DC who have to cope with their parents no longer living together, then have to cope with at least one other adult in their lives and potentially a number of DC being added to the mix and then add in moving between houses so they can spend time with both of their parents. I think in most cases they get the shitty end of the stick.

@LeavingForUni can you not talk to his daughter directly and explain how unfair it must seem to the other two to have a room empty most of the time while they share - she has her own room at her Mum’s and now wants the same at yours while the two others have to share all the time? Speaking through a third party is always difficult.

You could agree that the two others will share when she comes home so she can have privacy then and your younger daughter and she could agree some ground rules about how the room is looked after when she is not there.

Otherwise I think you need to find a bigger place.

I’m also not sure about your DP. He sounds a bit cheeky to me and while I see where he is coming from he doesn’t seem to have tried any compromise but you have …

Is your marriage happy?

Only on Mumsnet are stepchildren treated as if they are the second coming!

Yes, so true - they are given way too much power

Op you shouldn’t have moved him in full stop is what I’m saying. Your daughters deserve their own space. I’m not being mean but I’m
being honest. It’s not fair on your girls. Council have you adequate space for your children and you put them second to your husband’s needs. If you wanted to move in with him then you should have for a bigger property.

Well this is only going to be the third time I say it but will do so again.

Her going to university can be a stressful time so it makes far more sense to make the change now if you're going to make it so she has a chance to settle into it being her space too rather than waiting till she's left for university.

Thing is you have 3 bedrooms and a need for 4. You have no way of squaring that circle and if you can afford a garden room I'd be surprised. Decent ones aren't cheap. By the time she finishes her course, one of your DD might be at uni.

You are never going to be able to make everyone happy in this situation and normally I'd advocate for keeping your child's room as is when they leave for uni until they've made the decision to move out. It's a good anchor. But this is not her only home and she's also had the benefit of a room to herself in two homes for a long time. It's time she gave a little and it's time your DH supported you in that.

I can see it 2 ways

1. You had enough room for your girls to each have their own rooms until DP moved in. This negatively impacted on them.

2. DP is now on the tenancy and presumably pays half I'd the rent and half of the bills? Surely is therefore entitled to half of the bedrooms e.g. you have one for your kids and he has one for his.

Can your girls shared the biggest room (probably yours and dp) with some sort of divide/partition, you and dp have the middle room and SD have the smallest room?

I agree that removing the ability for her to stay over wilould be pretty terrible but also your girls missing out on privacy is also a big deal.

Do you know how much it would cost to build a habitable garden room? Or convert an attic for that matter. Most people don't have a spare £30k hanging about, I'm sure OP would have thought of that already if it were possible.

I think it’s ridiculous she’s had her own room when she only stays once or twice a month.
Well overdue to have your DDs have their own room. What a bonkers situation you’ve put your DDs into. I can’t help but think you really like DSD and feel the opposite towards your own daughters? This is very unusual - step kids only usually have own room if there 50/50 or there is enough room without putting someone out. And dynamic changes again once an adult. It’s just strange and I feel a bit sad for your DDs. Rectify the situation, and try to bond with them a bit.
DSD can share with one of her half sisters or on air mattress in living room when visiting.

Absolutely ridiculous to keep a room empty for an adult that will visit a couple of times a year while two other teenagers share.

This is a reasonable request and she will have to come to terms with it.
I'm sure your own children will be even more upset if they never get their own rooms.

I'd give it until after Christmas in case it turns out to be a disaster at uni, and at least allow the first one to be the same as before.

After that, seems perfectly reasonable.

You don't have to actually add them to the tenancy, you could have had him as a permitted cohabitee and not married him, and kept the security of your home.

I think letting your 2dds have a room each but letting dad know that the daughter in the room that has been hers in her dad's home ...her second home ...will still be available to her when she comes back to visit is the best solution. The two full sisters have shared before so temporary sharing when older dad comes home shouldn't be too hard for them. The dad knows that her second home is still that with no seeming eagerness for he to fly the nest. The two sisters get their own room most of the time and probably the dad will come home less and less in these years so that the DD in that room will have it most of the time. Moving to uni is a massive transition and the security of knowledge things are still the same at home will give DSD more confidence in flying the nest.

The fact that it was your house originally changes things massively.

it was an odd choice to move your then boyfriend and his dd who came with him in. Was that borne of grief? Financial necessity for paying the bills?

Sorry I think thats a bit ridiculous from an 18 year old moving to uni.

Of course your DDs should get their own rooms. A reshuffle once one child has moved out is standard isn't it? Yes they do still need to feel welcome at their parents' home, but a bed to sleep in will do! As others have said I'm not sure why she needs three bedrooms to herself. Team OP!

So, no different to the OP’s children then.

Who are also stepchildren.

And have had the shitty end of this particular family’s stick for years in that they have had to share a room. Even though stepdaufhter’s room is empty most of the time.

Even in intact families, there is no way to keep everyone happy and at some point, each person will have their turn of the shitty end of the stick.

In intact families though, children’s expectations are managed. You don’t usually have to warn a child years in advance (as someone mentioned upthread should have been done to get the SD used to it), that when they move out, their bedroom will be repurposed to suit the needs of the household. It’s just expected.

Stepchildren (and it’s usually always the father’s child) are given way too much power and control.