Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

@DBSFstupid or she is someone whose dad moved in with another woman who had 2 DDs, one of whom doesn’t get on with her and she is probably in the stressful time of revising for A-levels and facing the rather scary time of moving away from home to uni, and might not be thinking straight.

And why is it the mum who is always assumed to house the uni student and keep a room available for them and the dad could technically walk away and incur no expense

@LeavingForUni do you know what her mum is planning to do with her room at mum’s house?

She has got her own bedroom at her mother's and no other siblings there. Why should she have 2 bedrooms when she will hardly be at either? She is quite happy for a 14 and 16 year old to continue to share a room at an age when they absolutely need their space.

👏👏👏

Wait, it was always your home and DH moved in? His DD who stays EOW gets her own room while your DDs have to share full time. Come September, he expects his dd to have exclusive use of 3 bedrooms while your 2 DDs share. 2 teenage girls who have experienced the death of a parent and could probably really benefit from having their own space for their own studies. This is insane.

Wake up @LeavingForUnihe’s taking you for a fool. But worse, he’s treating your DD’s like shit in their own home.

Tell him that the rooms are being changed to provide appropriate spaces for the children that actually live in the house full time. A bed and storage will be available for his dd. If DH doesn’t like it, he has 2 options - find a 4 bed home for you all or move out. Problem solved.

I cannot believe you have added this man onto your tenancy.

That is yours and your daughters home, put them first. You shouldn’t even have to ask him, just move them into their own rooms and if he doesn’t like it, then he can leave.

This is why I will never move a man into my home.

It doesn’t matter what her mother is doing in her home. This is about 2 teenage DDs who live at home full time, have lost a parent and are being treated like shit by the man who has moved into their home.

Edited to add: It’s their home and he moves in, calling the shots. FFS. I’m raging on behalf of these 2 girls.

I think if you rent or own 50/50 then your DH has just as much right to a room for his child as you do to a room for your 2.

However, if it was your house to begin with or you stumped up more of the deposit or pay more of the rent, then you owe it to your children to give them their wish as your children shouldn’t be negatively impacted by you remarrying someone with a child.

Sorry - your dds should definitely have a room each, and dsd can either share or sleep on the sofa for the very small amount of time she comes. Maybe she won't want to come in that case, but that's what happens when kids turn in to actual adults. They go off and live their life and are generally quite selfish about things as that is the way of the world at that age. I am honestly agog at the number of posts that state she needs her own room for a tiny percent of the year when there are kids living there full time.

Only because she is the child of a father who had the audacity to remarry.

No one would be giving a shit otherwise.

I find some of these attitudes really odd.

This is supposed to be an exciting time for a young person, they should be excited about moving away, not thinking about the times when they'll be coming back. I know when I went to uni I voluntarily relinquished my bedroom because I recognised it wasn't fair for the people always living in that house to not have the use of it.

If she's not grown up enough to think the same, then honestly it sounds like she'll struggle at university, especially as this isn't even her base home!

Not in this case though - an exclusive bedroom awaiting their infrequent arrival, while two other people are crammed in together indefinitely!
Complete nonsense!

That's madness and totally unfair on your DDs.

You could have just told them he was there and not added him to the tenancy. It is ludicrous that your DDs are expected to keep sharing while a room stays empty most of the time.

You can disclose someone living there without adding them to the tenancy - presuming you mean that you are joint tenants now. He could have been listed as one of the occupants.

If she can’t be helped to understand that it’s not going to be possible to keep two bedrooms (one at mum’s one at dad’s) for her sole use when she’s away at university, I fear she might struggle with her course and her interpersonal relationships with flat mates.

Or life in general.

This just ridiculous, if you had said DD was leaving for uni not DSD, youd have probably had a unanimous board saying of course it makes sense..... fml.....

Her mothers home where she currently spends most of her time. She only spends a minimal amount of time at OP's house - 1-2 weekends a month.

If you just treat them all equally, then it is totally normal for the ‘oldest’ to have to vacate their room when they go to uni. This doesn’t mean that they have no room. But when the oldest goes the rest get to ‘move up the ladder’. In my case, the week I left my sister had swapped our rooms over! So in this case the 16 year old gets their own room, and the DSD gets to share with the 14 year old.

You don't have to add him to your tenancy, married or not. You have to declare he lives there and he has occupancy rights but your tenancy was yours and did not need to be joint.

Regardless, your girls need their own rooms now. They are too old to share and his daughter can sleep on a sofa bed when she visits or stay at her mum's and just visit. Or he can pay for a B&B out of his own money.

I think your DDs should get their own room and if SD comes then they could share again. I would be pretty pissed if your DH thought his daughter rated more consideration than yours. Surely if she’d only comes occasionally the room is hardly used which doesn’t make sense. Especially as she has a room at her mums to herself. Can you sound her out and see his she feels about it. Alternative is move to a bigger house but that seems drastic.

Can you not split the largest room into two ? With a stud wall ? Then all 3 girls would have a "box room" and be equal.

Having read the thread and seen that the house was yours originally I think you get the casting vote. I get that DSD may not be happy but neither are your DDs so some compromise is needed. If this is a pattern though of your husband thinking his DSDds needs out Trump your DDs I would be telling him to get his own house.

I’d give the room to whoever needs it most. It sounds like your daughters at home need the space more right now with exams coming up. Plus the 16yo will be starting to go out more, have friends back and maybe even boyfriends soon.

I had a similar situation in that my older daughter was staying at her boyfriends a lot and barely home but her sister at home was stuck in a really tiny box room at age 16. When the older one moved in to her own place we changed the rooms pretty quickly despite the daughter who had moved out feeling like she wasn’t ready to give up her room. I made it clear she could come home any time but she’d have the small room if she did. In smaller houses space is needed for those who use it.