Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

What are the origins of the 3 bed house?

as in was it yours or his, do you pay equal amounts, did you buy it together etc?

if you pay equal, I can see his thinking that he gets a room for his dc, you get a room for yours.

yes, that’s transactional, but that’s what happens when you blend families and the unconditional love isn’t there.

Absolutely logically the children who live there full time get a room each; with the one who has the bigger room sharing with DSD when she visits.
Practically, however, it is very likely to put DSD off visiting.
IME going to uni was a tricky and vulnerable time for my DD. There was pressure to always be ‘on’, fun, the most exciting version of herself. Sometimes she needed to come home and sit in her room and be quiet. There is no way she’ll do that at yours if she has to share.

My daughter will lose her room when she goes to university. She's always had the biggest, it's her turn for less now.

Well it sounds like you have made up your mind. But as PP have pointed out - family dynamics in be blended families are complicated.
Think about the long term implications of taking away her room- how might that impact upon her future relationship with her father, your other children and her sense of belonging?
Your children are used to sharing a room surely they can manage for a little longer? Why don’t you wait to decide until after Christmas?

I think it would be a bit bonkers for your two girls to share a room when there is a room free 99% of the time.

Totally agree with you.

Also, just to add, chances are your step daughter might want to spend more time with her father in his house after she starts university.
Im glad he is insisting that his DD gets to keep her room. It’s not her fault you promised it to your DD.

I wouldn't keep a bedroom empty most of the time for one child meanwhile two children's have to share 100% of the time unless they are 10 or younger. Regardless of they being my children my step children or my siblings. Makes no sense empty space that can be use in my head.

First I’d explore whether there is any chance of creating an extra bedroom. Splitting the biggest bedroom - even if that’s yours. Giving up a dining room for a while, an attic conversion etc. A garden cabin.

If there’s anyway to create an extra space you will minimize hurt feelings all around.

If not then I think you have to get all three girls together and talk about it.

I’d lay it out like this:

The issue is DD1 needs her own space for the next two years to concentrate on her A-levels.

So for the next two years she gets her own room, and the other two girls share. And an equal share - not it’s DD2’s room and DSD can sleep in there occasionally.

Then in two years time DD2 gets her own room to concentrate on her A-Levels and the older two both now at university share the other room when they are back home.

Two years after that SDS is going to be 24 and both DD1&2 will be at university - and you can reassess the room situation.

How long have you been married? Was this your DSD's home and bedroom before you moved in?

When I was growing up this always was the norm. When a kid moved out for any reason whatsoever, the rooms were rejigged. Sharing rooms was much more common then. Absolutely no chance would a bedroom be lying empty.

So if this was a nuclear family it would be so obvious but with blended families it becomes so triggering. Who owns the house?

You think the adults should sleep in the attic or garden so that the 19 year old can have a third bedroom empty 97% of the time?

Make it a temporary arrangement. Tell Dsd that once dd1 heads off to Uni, she'll get her room back. There's no need for your dds to have their own rooms at that point.

Give your girls a room each, why share when a room is lying empty 95% of the month.
DSD can bunk in with one of them if and when she visits.

Hi OP,

How often will your SD be staying at yours when she leaves for uni?

Assuming she's at uni for at least 30 weeks and still stays with you once or twice a month then it's likely to be 6 times per year. Of course it's lunacy that your 2 teenagers should continue to share while her room lays empty.

Classic stepfamily issue though, in a first family this wouldn't even be an issue.

It will need sensitive handling as with most stepfamily issues but you are being entirely logical and fair.

I’m genuinely curious. Why do you people put your children through this? Why do you move your kids into a home at the expense of their wellbeing forcing them to live with people they’d rather not? You ought to have your own home, for your daughters, a safe space for them with their own rooms. As for your DH he can come and visit/stay nights etc but then that would require a selfless act, to put your daughters first until they were old enough.

You chose to blend your families and your DH doesn’t want to lose his connection with his daughter and that’s why ensuring she always has a room at her dad’s house (assuming it is his house too) is him looking after his child’s emotional and physical wellbeing. Op have you done the same for your daughters ?

OP, when my DD went off to uni, she told her sister (who had previously shared a room with her twin) that henceforth, the room was hers, and she’d fit in as and when. It left her free to visit friends during the holidays, and when she was home, she often shared a room with the other twin (who had the larger room). It seems ridiculous to me that two DC should be sharing a room while a “shrine” is maintained for a DSD more often away than she is at home.

That’s an odd take - I asked was there was a way of creating an extra bedroom. I mentioned the parents’ bedroom because it’s often the biggest in the house so might be more easily split into two separate spaces.

Or alternatively create a new bedroom by an attic conversion which any of the girls could then have, or a garden cabin bedroom which I think many 18 year olds would jump at having the privacy of their own private ‘tiny house’ with their own front door to come and go from.

If SD has a real aversion to sharing with them then maybe on the nights she does visit your girls could share... would that be an option?

This 🖕

No this was my house (council) originally and dh added to the tenancy when he moved in

It’s your house and your kids have to share?? Why did you agree to him moving in if there wasn’t enough space?

DSD doesn’t want to sleep in a room that was hers and then is clearly someone else’s she said that will upset her

Urgh just gets worse.